Bad Timing and Making a Mess of Things

[slow_it_down]

Where is that crystal ball we are all looking for to know where to go next - ha!

For the past 4 years I've waited and made career/job choices around my H. He's been looking to move up in his career and we anticipated this would mean a move to a new area. I've sat tight in a job that I don't love with limited opportunity for me to advance to be available to move for him when the time came. I've been commuting an ungodly long distance to keep my current job and I know it won't be feasible to keep working at this particular company for long after I have the baby with no support at home. If I get a call to pick up a sick baby there is no way I can get home in time to pick him up. I'm also not sure I can support all the new expenses, even with support, on my current income.

So now I find myself in one of those 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' type of situations. I have a company very eager for me to pursue a big job with them that would be a step forward in my career, pay my bills and finally allow me to live close to my job (by moving)... but the job is 2 hours away from where H currently lives. The chances of me being able to find a comparable position closer to home are slim to none and especially on short notice.

Part of me knows that formally being offered the job is a long shot and might not even be something I have to make a decision about. Part of me is so excited to have something like this cross my lap. Part of me thinks I'm crazy for even considering it. Needless to say I'm all over the place!

My worst fear is that I'll forego the job to try to stay here and work things out, only to have H finally find the job he's been looking for and move away from us anyways in a few months leaving me to scramble and just take something local that isn't what I want to do with my life. If his past decisions are any indication I see no reason why he wouldn't just up and move away.

I've been doing a good job of leaving him alone since we separated. (We haven't talked on the phone in over a month). I have no idea what he's thinking or planning for himself in terms of pursuing out of state jobs. After debating I did end up emailing him to tell him I'm interviewing for the role since I've experienced things moving very quickly when a company is very eager to bring someone on quickly and didn't want to completely sideswipe him with this news. I didn't ask for feedback I just explained the situation, the location and said if he had questions he could contact me.

Am I crazy for even considering a life change like this right now? Is getting my ducks in order planning for my future without him detaching or just giving up on him and not giving things a chance?

Also, any advice for the convo I'll have with my H this week? H said that since I brought this up he does think we should talk. I thought I'd be excited at the chance to finally talk to him again but I'm really dreading this. He wouldn't be calling me to talk if he were considering a job and wouldn't be seeking my input. I don't want him to think that I'm asking him if he thinks I should go for it. I'm interested to hear if he plans to apply for out of state jobs but I don't want him making the decision on where I live in the future if we aren't M.

If I knew he'd be a reliable back-up when I go back to work after maternity leave I wouldn't pursue the job and would continue with my forever long current commute. If he's thinking of moving this year or is planning to let work take priority over helping with our S I really have to go for this job despite the difficulties the distance will create.