The funny thing is sometime's I'm not upset, I just want out of here! When I'm upset I'm more likely to want him, talk to him, get attention any way I can. When I'm cool like this I want to move on and leave everything about him behind!
It was the friend who asked if I love him! I am still DBing and making efforts, but can I say it's out of love, and the hope he will come back to me? It's easier to say its out of some responsibility to do everything I could do before it's over. When I say over, I'm saying because I believe he will not return, so it's a resposibility to the M I thought I had.
He has become the person I'm stuck w I'm not letting love factor in. Did I love him before MLC...w all my heart!
I can't get past putting someone else between us, I think I'm so infuriated at that one act, that I am willing to WAW from him totally. Sometimes I wish he slept around for a few months and never created an emotional tie, that bond is soo dependent, and deep that I believe it's deeper than w ever experienced being M. I actually think he likes EA more than he ever liked me, if only she wasn't an alcoholic, bi polar, scitsilfranact, he takes the time to see the person behind all that, and he says there's a good person there.
Being M was about working, kids, house, all that stuff that kept us moving. He was always a workaholic and didn't take the time to grow w me or be w the kids. Now he's giving her his ear and understanding during his night job when the world is quiet and there is time to listen.
I hope I'm not affending anyone, this is purely me and my thoughts. Should I think different, I think so, I wish I was strong to face this with the part of my brain that understands he's sick. I'm sure I'm wrong here!
If I sound upset I must always be upset, I still wonder if its my defensive shield, I had a horrible childhood, I thought this M was my grace.
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
