Figured I might as well add the latest about my relationship too since this is DB and not parenting.com. At the encouragement of my IC I texted H a request that he include me in the loop when he makes plans directly with S15 and S13 because I may already have plans.
This was because he's been walking in unannounced and saying he texted S15 about mowing his friend's lawn. I like to at least know when he's coming and what they have planned.
H replied OK and told me what time he'd be coming the next day for the lawn mowing activity.
H had said he wanted to install a lock I had ordered for the workroom door (kids use the tools in there to make bongs, so I decided to put a combo lock on it). So I texted him that the lock arrived and he said he'd come over Sunday. I said we'll be around in the afternoon. I marked the door and taped on the template and started cleaning up the basement, pulled the furniture apart and vacuumed it inside and out, mopped the floor, dusted everything, really really cleaned it thoroughly. Repaired two broken pieces of furniture. H arrived at about 5 as I was finishing mopping, and got to work without much conversation, other than that he didn't like the lock I chose, he thought I should have gotten a regular doorknob and a regular deadbolt because that would be harder to break open. I said "Ok, well, I chose this one." Later he said again that he thought if there was enough give in the door someone could still break through the lock. I agreed but said that was ok because by breaking it I would know they went in there. I feel pretty sure they aren't going to try that hard to break in. Anyway, the kind of lock H wanted isn't what I had, and I'm fine with what I had. I knew he was going to criticize what I chose.
Earlier in the weekend I left him a voicemail. He had just texted me so I thought we'd talk in person but he didn't answer. I wanted to let him know, verbally, that I had just received S15's grades and had discussed them with him. I was not happy about the Cs and D although he did get a couple of A's and a B. I said in our house there was going to be a restriction on driving unless he has As and Bs in the future, and it would be up to H if he wanted to have that rule in his house too but I was letting him know. Also that I had told S15 to show dad his report card when they got together on Saturday. I didn't hear anything back about this, no text or voicemail, and nothing when I saw H Sunday.
H didn't talk about anything, just the inadequacy of the lock. He did the work and was gone when I got home from the movies with S13.
It was nice of him to save me the handyman money. I took one look at the unfinished door and knew it was a job that I did not want to tackle myself.
I was also supposed to, at the encouragement of IC, tell H that he needs to get involved with S15. That S15 may need to go live with H for a couple of weeks, or that H may need to pay for a camp for him. I laughed inside at that. The last time H "got involved" it was primarily yelling at me for trying to [sarcasm]be S15's best friend[/sarcasm] and talking about military school. H doesn't have a home and can't take S15 for a couple of weeks, the idea is ridiculous. And H doesn't pay for camps. And H doesn't like these talks and avoids them like the plague. I don't feel like I have a coparent at all.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
AD- Wow, I am always amazed by your strength! It must be so difficult to deal with your H. I can't imagine having to deal with that, you are awesome!!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Wireless webcams with night vision have really come down in price. I've often thought that if I were having problems with kids at my house, I'd install a ceiling-mounted one in our basement. You can set them up to motion detect and e-mail you pictures, or you can view and control it at any time from your smart phone. It can "see" with the lights on or off, and can pan, tilt, swivel and zoom.
Even if you never looked at it, just having it hanging from the ceiling might be enough to encourage the kids not to misbehave in your basement.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I have spent a few hours looking online at webcams, wireless, wired, infrared, solar ones, ones with spotlights, ones with sound, motion activated. Price runs the gamut. Install looks sort of easy but then probably to do it right I'd want to hire someone. I get to that point and need to get back to work, so there I am.
I actually decided that bending my mind back toward loving my kids and away from implementing more and tighter security measures was the way I needed to head, so I implemented Families Anonymous before security cameras. In the escalating war of distrust and ill will between myself and my s15, the cameras might win a battle but not the war. He's got to decide for himself that he doesn't want this stuff in our house. Right now he's resisting my insistence that *I* don't want it in *my* house. Which makes me the enemy. He'll find it, and he'll do it, even if I have cameras all over the place, if he's angry enough.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
OK I have to laugh. I went down at 3:30 am the other night because I woke up and couldn't find him in his room, so I checked the basement, nope, and all the bathrooms, nope, so I called him. No answer. Called again, got him. Said he was out in the backyard. So I unlocked the door I had just locked and let him in, and he said...he was bored of xbox so he went outside to look for lacrosse balls in the yard. In pitch darkness? Amid piles of dog poop? I questioned that. He held up his phone to show me he was lighting his way with it and was frankly outraged that I suggested he wasn't telling the God's honest truth. Ugh. 2 minutes later a truck goes by with music on and makes the turn away from our house at our corner, and I didn't think quite fast enough but only glimpsed it as it sped away. So I told him his friend was waking up the neighborhood when he left. More outrage, shock, what friend am I talking about? He was all by himself picking up lacrosse balls. Oh, and no, the lacrosse balls were still exactly where they were in the yard the day before, and are still there now.
Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled insanity.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Feeling unglued atm. Just got back from the drug counselor appointment I made my S15 go to, a follow up from the one in March, where we'd redo the pee test and decide if he does or doesn't need a program of some type. I expected we'd discuss all the drug paraphernalia and late-night comings and goings. I didn't expect that we'd discuss H, because frankly I've nearly forgotten about him being gone most of the time and am feeling better.
But S15 isn't. He doesn't show it or talk about it - ever - but the counselor told me he brought up his dad leaving. He doesn't know if we're going to get divorced, he doesn't know what's going on, and he's very sad and very angry, and has no words or ways to express it. She suggested I not discuss it with him now or on the way home, or even soon, but start trying to model by talking to him about how *I* feel about H leaving.
I am reviewing the mental tape and not happy with how I handled myself throughout this meeting, am bordering on nagging and not holding myself to the standard of nonjudgmental loving parental concern that I was hoping. I am scared, mad, tired, confused by this stuff S15 is going through. I sounded like an idiot talking about my hard and fast rule that lasted two days and then became conditional and then based on day to day whether he was behaving pretty well the past couple of days or not. I think I sounded like an awful parent. I knew going in that I wasn't in top emotional shape, just felt scattered and not sure what I was going to accomplish. I told myself the less I said the better, and then I started talking anyway.
But the good news is that he only had small traces of THC, so he wasn't lying about not using, even though his friends are clearly using all around him and in my house. Or it means the pee he bought was pretty close to clean. It wasn't enough for her to temperature check so we tried to do it again at the end of the meeting and he couldn't go, so I decided we'll go with the belief that it's legitimate, and a pretty much negative result. He's at least on notice that they expect a certain temperature and amount next time. The counselor thinks in this day and age so many parents are home drug testing that it is just not as extreme as I would have thought in my high school years, and I won't be a crazy lady for requiring clean tests as he starts driving, which is what I'm planning, at least while I still question his decision making.
I'm so sad for him about his dad, and his difficulty expressing his feelings. He is positively allergic to talking to me about really anything, which is age appropriate. I wish I knew what was happening too, but I don't. I feel pretty sure we're going to get divorced in a while, but not so sure that I'd tell S15 that when there aren't any concrete steps happening. I really don't know what I want to tell him about how I'm feeling about H. I know I'm feeling sad, wishful, sometimes lonely, and really frustrated sometimes to have two boys and no man to help raise them, especially when they're defying me and acting out. Two boys plus a bunch of honorary other ones who seem to nearly live here. I don't like being a nag, and I don't like this escalating cold warfare, and I know I'm going to be fine so I don't dwell on feeling sad and resentful. So, which of that if any would I share with S15? Huh.
I can talk to him about what I do when I feel sad, mad, and overwhelmed, which is a few things, swim, exercise, read, walk, pet the dogs, visit with friends, go to a meeting, write things down. These are not 15 year old boy things. He punches holes in walls, gets drunk, and acts out, but he could also work out and visit with friends who are hopefully not getting drunk.
I've calmed down but the half hour drive home I was not happy at all with how I did. I'm aware, from IC, that my goal is not to win every battle but to win the war. I'm aware that nothing needs to happen *right now*. I have a Families Anonymous meeting I can go to tonight to get some of the cr*p out of my system. I just wish there was some combination of things I could do to make my son happy, confident, and carefree. Or I guess to teach him to know that he will be even if he isn't right now.
So this is partly about H, that the uncertainty of our limbo situation is hard on at least S15 even if I'm comfortable with it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad, I just dropped by to let you know you have my positive thoughts
Gym membership or boxing gym sounds like a great idea!!
I don't know what to say about your S15. Sure he doesn't want to hear anything you say, but it does not mean he isn't listening.
Why not tell him you don't condone drug use (obviously) or alcohol or any other addictive behaviour, but they numb emotions and drive the everyday away. And you can understand that. Ask him to try another way. Ask him to come up with something he wants to do. If he can't, pick something and require him to commit for a length of time, like two weeks in summer hols.
I don't know, maybe worth a shot? Or pick something from my rambling you can go with
All he wants to do is play lacrosse this summer. He works out at outlr gym and practices a chart of things the coach assigned over the summer, and plays on a travel team for summer. He will sometimes also go lift while i work out or do a class. Physically he is in great condition.
He surrounds himself with friends. I talked to his best friends mom last night, the boys were "celebrating his clean drug test". She says her son tells her s15 F'n hates his dad, cannot stand him. She think inshould drag his buttt to counseling and take away all privileges, phone, driving, if he wont comply.
I do not feel that's going to work with him as well as my criend seems to think. I dont want him to become desperate to escape. I think he needs one parent who treats him like a human being.
My IC has met s15, we had two appointments with her to learn to stop bullying (s15 AND H) and have family meetings with ground rules. He was ok but quiet the first time. The second he pretende to fall asleep and was quite rude to ic. I believe like mc if you dont want what they offer it is unproductive if not potentially harmful to go.
But s15 did open up to the drug counselor, a little bit. She asked him to tell me w how he was feeling and he said he could not. He gave her permission to tell me herself.
Poor kid. I remember hating my mom and dad at his age.
My ic has said at some point if he can tell his dad how he feels, that will help the most.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I agree. Your strength is amazing, maybe he can play so much lacrosse he will be too exhausted lol!
Perhaps buy more lacrosse balls and throw them all over the yard so he can at least get a workout in during his nocturnal activities...;)
I am glad he opened a bit to drug counsellor..and the fact that he said it was okay to tell you is, I think, a huge step. Sometimes it is hard to discuss things with the people we love. I don't think S telling H how he feels is going to happen any time soon though, simply because of the dynamic through your stories.
