So, here is what I have come to realize about myself......
I need to make more changes, and I need to make them a permanent part of me. If helpful caring people like you can tell that these are real world issues that I have, simply by engaging me on the internet, it's clearly a real problem that I need to deal with. I have come to grips with that. I argue. I love to be right. I do try to control and manipulate when I think I am not in that position. My hurt is also a problem, because I resort to anger when dealing with it. I need to change the way I deal with being hurt. If you hurt me, I immediately want to hurt you back as qucikly as possible. That is not healthy, and it has caused a lot more hurt and damage in my life. I wish to be in more control of my anger, not that I am full of rage, but because I do know it does effect the way I see and deal with things. It usually results in a negative reaction. I am completely cognitive of these things now. I get it. With that said, I think admitting that it's a problem will only be my first step. How I go about making the changes will be the real work. I want to do this work. I want to be a better person than I was before coming here. I think I am already improved in many areas, but not nearly enough as I need to be. I don't have the expectation that I will be able to live my life like Ghandi, but I am sure I can learn to better control my feelings. I am sure at this point, that this played a major role in the demise of my marriage. Granted, there were many many things that we both did to put us in this position. I sincerely believe there will be no reconciliation of our marriage. It is too far gone. It is already to the point, almost 9 months later that I have somewhat forgotten what our connection ever really was. Wife is now publicly involved with the OM. That alone would make things almost impossible for me to come to grips with. I said at one point, that a PA, would be my deal breaker. A public PA, is something I am not sure that I have the ability to let go of. I still feel that to be the case today. On top of that, wife is branching out and furthering herself into this new relationship with a completely different network of friends and family.
I will carry on, and be the person I want to become, first and foremost. I will try my best to put my daughter first in regards to dealing with my marriage and our future, for all parties. I would like to become more amicable with wife, solely for the benefit of my daughter, so she can grow and have the best possible opertunity to avoid the damage that will undoubtedly come from a divorce. I simply need to do the best I can, from now on.
