Hello everyone! I thought I would post my situation here finally since I'm at the 10-month mark since BD and I could use a little guidance. Thank you in advance for reading! I've been a lurker on this site since last year and everyone is so supportive, it makes me feel nice inside. I know I'm on moderation right now, so hopefully someone will see this post soon. Until then, I will keep journaling here.
I've been with my P (F too) for the past five years and we've been "technically" not together now for the last 10 months. We still live together, though, and although she has been adamant about moving out, she hasn't done so yet. I think financially she cannot support herself on her own, but she does have the option of asking her family for help (which she hasn't), or getting another job (which she hasn't). We do not have any kids, but we do have two cats, so I think that also affects her motivation to move out. Also, we both moved to CA from another state, so don't have the same support system that we'd have if we were still back home.
I have not been the best partner in my relationship. I do have occasional bouts of depression, I was diagnosed with a stomach condition in 2010 (which is inconvenient, especially when I'm having a flare-up), and I sometimes have a hard time expressing my feelings (especially when I'm depressed). I'm currently working on recognizing my feelings, expressing them, and learning how to (lovingly) detach.
In 2012, I was working full-time at my job, taking on freelance gigs on the side, and finishing up my last classes for school. I was busy, busy, busy. I was trying to work hard so that we could perhaps move forward in our relationship (i.e. getting a bigger place, getting engaged, etc.), but I recognize now that I was also emotionally absent this past year. She had a tough year, with the passing of her grandparent, having a hard time finding a job in her field, and basically adjusting to her new life here. I don't think I was emotionally there for her in the way that I should have been. In that time, I was also spending a lot of time talking to one of my old friends from HS. Nothing ever happened physically (or emotionally), but if I can be completely honest, she was more than friend in the sense that I was sharing more of my day with her than my partner. Maybe a gray area friend (if those even exist? maybe I made up the term lol)? I don't excuse my behavior at all, I could have exercised better boundaries so my P felt more secure in our relationship (instead of being short with my P and insisting that nothing was going on -- since I was not physically or emotionally intimate with her). I am very friendly and people tend to have an easy time confiding in me, so since BD#1 I've been working on establishing firmer boundaries with people.
BD #1 (August 2012) - She said she wanted to break out and that she had been unhappy this past year with our relationship. She said she still loved me, but wasn't sure if she was in love with me. She said she felt like she couldn't be in a relationship because in a relationship, she never takes care of herself and only focuses on the other person (she said this problem is not specific to me). She said she didn't know who she was anymore and she wasn't sure if it was because she lacked direction in her own professional life, if it was tied up with our relationship, or just a bigger issue of identity. I did the usual stuff -- cried my eyes out, begged, tried to negotiate for her to change her mind (ha! and how often does that work), etc. I also cut all ties with my friend, gave access to my phone records, FB, email address, etc. She said she appreciated the gesture, but why didn't I do this sooner? She said she was in a different place now, so I apologized, validated, and said I would continue to work on regaining trust in any way I could. After breaking up, we were not physically intimate in anyway (even a hug was rare). She said, in particular, "kissing was too painful" so we kissed maybe only a few times between BD #1 and BD#2.
We did couples therapy for a few months (Aug 2012-Dec 2012) to help with communication and address some of our issues. One issue that I brought up was that I felt one of her male co-workers (btw, my partner identifies as bisexual, just so the story doesn't get too confusing) liked her and she reassured me numerous times (in and out of therapy), she didn't have feelings for him, wasn't attracted to him, nothing was going on, yadda yadda (you see where this is going). Throughout our relationship she had been faithful, so I always felt I was just being paranoid. She brought up again how she has low self-esteem and doesn't know who she is. She said she's always had low self-esteem, but she wants to learn how to love herself. She believed the only way to build her self-esteem was to move out and live on her own. I believed it was possible to find herself and still be together, that it was about finding a balance (because she said she focuses/worries too much about me if I'm around). Eventually I conceded and said I respected whatever she needed to do for herself. She looked for apartments regularly (once I even went with her to look at a place), but she never moved out. In therapy, her IC asked if it would be okay to stay in limbo and not worry so much about the direction our relationship was going in (or not going in). She was feeling a lot of pressure about that,so I told her we wouldn't have to worry about labels, we could just see how things went.. At one point, when she talked about moving out and our status, she said maybe we could start off with dating (whereas before she would always say she wanted to still see me, but she was careful about how she labeled it). So I thought, in some areas, there was progress.
I've been lurking on these forums since late 2012 when I purchased my copy of DB. I was doing a lot of things wrong (lots of crying, neediness, etc.), so I tried to stop that as best I could. Thinking about the big picture was too difficult, so I made small goals and measured those changes, adjusting according to what I thought worked and what I thought didn't work. She was still very closed off, however, saying she was upset at my relationship (she equated it to cheating). Instead of arguing, I validated her feelings and apologized when I felt appropriate. Every month I would set small goals for myself, just like in DB, and then see what worked and what didn't.
In the fall, her Grandma passed away. She took this death particularly hard, especially since her Grandpa passed away less than a year before that. She had said she felt numb, she didn't cry or anything, although she recognized she was extremely sad. I tried to take her out to do things, even took her to church regularly, and although things seemed okay on the surface, I also knew she was reaching a personal breaking point.
Jan 2013 - I came back from my work trip and wanted to do something nice (she was out with her family for dinner) and load more magazines onto her ipad. Her safari happened to be open and I saw some unsavory things (e.g. searching how to not be a booty call, among other things). I texted her to confront her and she first denied it, then said we would talk when she got home. At the time, I felt bad for assuming such a terrible thing but when she got home and I confronted her again, she broke down crying and admitted what she did.
She said her co-worker was fired on Friday (before I left for work my work trip), so she texted him to see what happened. Apparently this texting continued after I left, she went to have dinner with her family on Saturday night, then he invited her over to his house. She went over, got drunk, and said he was forceful, but she consented and they slept together. I don't know how much of this I believe, but I guess it doesn't matter because what happened happened. She said she felt awful for what she did, came home and cried, and I guess when he texted again to invite her over, she said no. I was, as you can imagine, furious. She said a million times she didn't like him, just liked the attention, he was a womanizer, and she was just feeling really terrible about herself. For the most part, I believe her story. I think they texted occasionally (and I don't think he speaks English very well) and I know she used to take him home sometimes after work (because he's a loser that doesn't drive and lives at home with his parents), but I believe her that what happened only happened once. I believe her when she says she was in a very dark place when that happened and that she's not there anymore. It's a touchy subject to talk about, even now, because I feel like I can't express myself without her feeling responsible and like a bad person. So for now, I don't express my feelings about what happened. I will wait to have these conversations until her sense of self isn't so fragile. In the beginning, I completely blamed myself for what she did. I felt responsible for where we were. Since then, I think I've been able to designate what is my responsibility, but also what is hers.
Jan 2013 - Now
Since then, she has offered full transparency. She has blocked his number, given me access to her email address, FB, etc. I also have her GPS location (which we used to have on before anyway, not as a paranoia thing). I don't snoop, however, and I'm proud of that. The only thing I do is check her GPS location, but only when we're going to meet and I need to time how long she'll take. I don't use it as a way to keep tabs on her overall. She still works at the same place, which is a trigger for me (even though this co-worker was supposedly fired), but she no longer hangs out at work after her shift. She will still eat dinner after her shift, but she comes home right after (sometimes she'd end up hanging out until well after midnight). She said although she still is unsure of our future together, she is dedicated to regaining my trust.
The months following BD#2 were extremely painful. I was in so much pain that it was hard to detach and hard to look at her without being visibly upset. I felt like I was back at square-one in terms of progress (probably even worse off). What did change, however, was our physical intimacy. We were physically intimate a few times (after nearly 6 months of not), and she said "I love you" regularly, also began kissing me nearly every time we parted. Nothing major, just a peck on the lips. But still progress, I hope.
She started doing IC and I continued with my weekly IC sessions. We started to have honest conversations about what happened (about BD#2, but also her grievances with my behavior in our relationship). Some conversations were more productive than others and we are still learning to communicate better (we both make many incorrect assumptions about what the other person is saying).
Recently: We are getting along better overall, but there's still a long way to go. Things are less romantic (no ML since a few months ago, hand holding, etc), but she does kiss me regularly (goodbye peck on the lips) and say I love you when we leave each other. I consider this at least small progress from late 2012 when she said "no kissing" because it was too hard and her "I love you"s were sporadic and terse. She is more playful now, though--like she'll punch my arm randomly, or poke my butt if I'm walking in front of her. I feel like she's kind of regressed to a teenager in some ways, but maybe that's just me. She obviously treats me as more than a friend, but it still feels less than a partner (at least a grown up partner). She does not mention moving out as often as she did before, although she does say it's still something she'd like to do (to learn how to be independent). Yesterday she bought new sheets and pillowcases for the bed, which surprised me. Occasionally now she'll mention wanting to re-decorate the apartment. I am careful not to get excited by admissions like this. I don't want to get blindsided again later :-/
For the most part, I am trying to be emotionally present without being needy. I am trying to not be a fixer and give her the space to work through her problems. Sometimes I get frustrated by my situation and the romantic component of our relationship that's now absent, but I am grateful for the progress I've made still. She's not mean to me or anything, but she can be detached.
I guess I'm wondering if what I'm doing is working? She hasn't moved out (yet) -- it's been nearly 10 months since she said she planned on moving out. Our interactions are much better overall, but she still occasionally mentions moving out (and I know she still looks at places online, although probably not as often). She also said, then and now, that she still feels like she won't be able to get real clarity about us probably until she moves out. With that said, is it better trying to push her to move out so she gets the distance she claims she wants? Or should I continue doing what I'm doing, trying to improve our relationship while we're still living together, with the deep-down-hope that she'll change her mind about moving out (and hopefully me).
