Since H left I've done some 180s...lost 65 pounds sure to not being able to eat, present myself much more nicely since I only see him weekends, have dropped all R talk, am friendly & try to have PMA (I've been treated for depression & chronic pain , so that helps.. I had a couple of slips, not many, on bad pain/emotional days but I'm much, much improved...plus I'm a natural pessimist & he's a natural optomist..so that always made him crazy), I've totally controlled my anger...its simply left me in this crisis & I see how much time and energy I wasted on it for most of my life.
Great, those sound like excellent 180s!
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I think with that I realized its STILL one sided love, not rociprical, not the near the emotional level response that would indicate he loved me, our the reconciliation I'd been dreaming was coming.
I think you're right, he's keeping you on the hook as a backup plan in case he changes his mind in the future but he's not interested in R for now. This is actually pretty common with WAS's.
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I guess I just don't understand how he comes home every weekend and WANTS to spend time doing all our usual things if he doesn't love me & no longer wants to be married.
Because he wants that safety net to fall into in case his new plans don't pan out.
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I've tried to GAL, but with anxiety attacks (prior to this, only aggravated by it now), depression, physical disabilities (RA&a debilitating joint disorder) and NO money I'm having a hard time.
Anxiety and depression are not excuses to not GAL, because GAL is what will HELP with those issues! And money is no excuse either, because GAL can be as simple as going to the park to watch the clouds go by. GAL just means get out of the house and do something! Live life!
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I guess mostly I'm wondering should I just give up after 8 months if as close to caring as he can give me is "you mean a lot to me"?!
Define what you mean by giving up. If you mean you've been pursuing him and you want to give that up because it's not working, then yes, do stop that right away. You admitted you're codependent and it sounds like you remain so even after being S'd. You've got to find yourself and leave your H alone.
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But, if he truely wants to divorce, I want him to be happy...
People do get divorced thinking that it's the road to happiness, but it's not.
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But he gave up on me in my own health crisis, and personal lost time (depression/pain)..
Are you harboring anger and/ or bitterness over this? That's easy to do, but it will prevent you from personal healing and growth. You've got to heal yourself before you have any hope of your M healing.
