Questions without answers...will the hurt stop?

[albamarie]

Hi Linda,

MLC crap is getting to my head soo bad I just want to cut off the head of the snake. I live by society rules, M, R, friendships, and even how you treat a stranger. Respect, love of God, and loyalty, my H is a hypocrite.

This idea of what am I standing for is getting to me. He's not someone I would chose for myself today. I am i waiting on a miracle?


I went out and GAL Friday all day:

On Friday night I had dinner w a friend who met H before I did. She watched him in his relationship w his XGF and how he handled that. She said he is not the guy who lets you go, even if he is already himself gone from the R. Maybe it’s the rejection he can’t handle though he can dish it out.

She believes, having known him so long, that I should leave him, and he will come after me when he awakens w/o me, meanwhile I am enjoying my life. I said I believe he would wash his hands of me and deal w the consequences believing also that he deserves this and I am better off, he is the forever martyr.

Sometimes I feel a little strange around here because some of you speak about your SO as if they are still your loves and they are still in your heart, some still think of them as attractive, or on a rare occasion romantic by gesture. I don’t feel that. I look at my H in disgust, I find everything ugly about him and focus on it, I make sure I have little tolerance for his BS, and I don’t concern myself w his well being.

As nice as I am too him, tolerable, and even sometimes I go out of my way if he asks, I am faking it. Today as he got ready for work w the usual need for coffee, conversation, schedule, and the “do I look ok’s” all I could think about was GTFO of my face, my house, my life.

What’s wrong w me? Is this a defensive move on my part? Do I really hope the next time he’s asleep this is it…nice and quiet please let this be over? She asked me if I love him, I said no, she asked again, I looked her in the eyes and said, no. She then said in his current condition…I choked on it, but I gave her “in his current condition’’, though I am not sure I mean it.