Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

This is so hard, moderation takes so long. I have no one to talk to & no advice from anyone outside my own head.
I'm struggling not to ask my husband if he still wants the divorce ( I definitely DO NOT, so I am HOPING I can just continue to STFU, and not do it)...but I'm growing weary of hurting & am beginning to wonder if he wants this divorce, & may never change his mind, would it just be easier to rip the Band Aid off in one quick motion & no longer fight this constant sorrow?!
Its all becoming too much on top of my dad going in & out of ICU with complications from his open heart surgery.

Sad part is, I'm worrying more over him than my Dad!! what a jerk I am!! In my defense, my dad & I have a complicated and not too stable relationship after I was 10 (emotional distancing due to his new wife not wanting to"share" him with me, taking some if the blame of their divorce on me...& physical abuse for years by both step mom & my dad).

I especially feel stupid being so consumed, after all this time, because H told me yesterday that he worries constantly over his job situation (which means that takes precedence over the break up of our 26 year marriage. Ouch.). He even told me, "It's 15 years of my life, I'm not just going to get over it". Well, yeah...but didn't you just tell me a few months ago that "divorce will be sad at first, but we will get over it"?! Double ouch.

I attempted to ignore that comment emotionally slapping me at that moment & validated ( I think) his work concerns by saying I understood how dissapointing it must be after so long with the company, & with a great work history. It especially sukks since he enjoyed the job -until recently- and is good at it ( new VP at the company dislikes him, and two other coworkers, and plans to lay them off).

Its added stress we just don't need. I believe the stress/schedule of this job has a LOT to do with why we he feels we "grew apart", not to mention that left him spending WAY more time with the work friends over me...before the first relocation we spent almost all our time together (by choice). They were a tight group of 2 men, 3 women...and that pretty much spelled disaster for our marriage when these people began divorcing & he began discussing having a sick spouse with the pretty blonde in the group who also had a sick spouse.

I just wish he'd have been more transparent about how he was feeling. I thought MOST of our problems/stress were related to his job & so did our daughter who lives with us. His daily ranting was always centered on the job & we would listen and try to help. But I had no idea how much more he was unhappy with. On BD I found out. I'm trying to fix what I can. But so much is stunk out of my hands. I struggle with that.