Re: Thought I Was Piecing, Now I'm Detaching III

[25yearsmlc]

Snodderly I admit when I'm wrong. I think just talks of going to vaca house this summer and acting like there were no issues might have put pressure on her or made her feel I didn't let go at all.


PON, you have "put pressure on her" b/c you are clearly telling her you want to work on the M. She told you in April she did not. It's been two months and you did not "let her go". I am not saying you should have, she IS your wife. But yes, you pursued her with every single conversation and text, you asked yourself "is this IT? IS she coming closer to me or farther away? What should I do/say/ and how?" There was a lot of spinning and I don't believe it's always well hidden from her.

But I think she's been very clear and I think she sounds resolute. I mean, for some time she's been pretty consistent. Having days where she talks pleasantly to you, is not really "making up", in my eyes.

She did not say she is staying in the m "because" you are going to be difficult, she said she had not filed yet b/c she feared that. That does not mean you need to roll over.

If your lawyers have all said 50% custody is unrealistic for a sahm and a full time working dad, then it probably is. You'll have to double and triple check that, but if it is, so be it. Her life style will go down. I doubt you'll pay alimony for long...so she will have to work outside the home. Maybe that is when you can readdress the custody issue? And when the kids are older, as well.

I don't know if she'll file. But I do believe, strongly, that she'll cross every boundary you have. And then what?

Acting like one big happy family and talking future talks got to her.


Future talks is a form of pursuit. Acting like a "happy family"? I don't get that from your posts, with her silence and all. Not sure what that means but I'm not sure it matters now.

I'm getting close to calling her on the D word. There gets to be a point where that card gets tiring. I'm talking 2 years of saying D with no action. T2 not sure if your W played the D card so much.

I think you did call her on it. You told her if she wants a divorce, you won't stand in her way. Of course it's tiring to hear it. My h never suggested it once in his haze. He just thought we'd "work it out" - no matter what he did.

If he had said "Divorce", more than once, or not in the heat of the moment, I would take heed.

You said you both remained calm & it did not escalate (excellent!).

But she still said the D word. So it wasn't said in the heat of an argument or fight.

I would NOT assume this is a blip in the radar. It might be, but I think it's a dangerous assumption.

I just feel strongly she considers herself free to do as she pleases.

You may want to watch the credit cards b/c you'll be stuck with half the debt (or more, since you are working and she's not)...

what legal steps can you take to protect yourself?

What if one credit card was limited in amount (to limit YOUR liability for her debts) so that if she needed something for the kids, it would be fine but only up to, say, $1000, and the other credit cards went away...or into your pocket?

Please check with a L. Is Mass exclusively a no fault state?




Maybe subconsciously I was pursuiting her.

((((( PON )))))

you were subconsciously AND consciously pursuing her every day and night.

You forced yourself out to GAL, which I COMMEND, but it seemed to me, that almost every thing you did or said or texted her, you analyzed so much b/c it was aimed at getting HER to notice you or your "detachment".
You analyzed and analyzed and spun your wheels about things that most of us would not be able to manage that much energy on.


When you GAL just for YOU and rebuild your self esteem, for YOU, that will stop being pursuit. I think it is coming.

All I can say last night I told her if she wanted to go file she could. I would not stand in her way. If she thinks D would bring her happiness then all I want is for her to be happy.

She said "ok I just didn't want to spring it on you or surprise you". I said ok thanks.

Yes she said "I'm afraid on how you will act" you are not easy to talk with and I don't want to go through the L's for everything. That our first mediator said he wouldn't take our case because of your attitude. BTW I told the mediator I wanted kids 50% split and holidays and W didn't like that and mediator said it wasn't realistic. So that made me a bad guy and yes at the time I didn't want to be in that office.

Putting it in gods hands

Keep putting in God's hands...turn your marriage and your anxieties over to Him.

I had to think it, say it out loud and hear myself say it, for it to sink in. But I sure did it a lot. I'd say it right out loud, "God, I put this marriage into your hands. I put my anger and fears into your hands, b/c they are too heavy for me."

It does help. I did it a hundred times before I thought my h would call. It calmed me.

Also, I know you in person. You're a stocky strong guy with a wicked sense of humor. You have some serious brains for making money.

When you're not spinning about your w, you're a very strong, "together" guy.

I see you working hard on managing your fears and anxieties, but somehow, wanting to stay with the one person who brings them out. That's sad, to me. I don't get it.

It's one thing to say "ACOA" but you and I both know that group can SOMETIMES be a pity party "victim club." You cannot blame what you do now, on your dad's drinking.

everyone has to do what they need to do. B/C you might have been brought up with the subconscious message that life MUST USUALLY be hard, and there's always another shoe waiting to drop...

So it surprises us that we can be happy, or at least content, most of the time. And that there are not necessarily ANY other shoes. That we are allowed to trust that we are loved, when we surround ourselves with those who love us.

That when life throws us a curve ball, and it will, that WE won't be thrown.

Do you have siblings near you with whom you are close? Any long time friends to hang with? How about the new people in your life?

And reconnect with EE in Boston. IT takes effort PON, but so does life. And EE is solution focussed.

The more I surrounded myself with people who KNEW & LOVED ME, the more I was first reminded of what my h would lose and later, as I detached, the more I was reminded of how good my life would be, regardless of h's choices. And it was/is.

You need to know that.


Your Life can be better. The "real you", deserves better. I think good things are around the corner for you. I really do.

Not saying there won't be some major hurdles, but you can become a happier man down the road, no matter what your w does...it's up to you.