"her feelings are NOT gone...They are covered up. Layers of fear and validation by other people who think starting over is somehow easier, has disguised her true feelings.
And even if she does not care for you at all, at this moment, that can and will change.
Time will reveal her real emotions and time will allow the good memories to resurface. Then we'll see how she goes about her life."
25, This ^^^^^ is one of those things where I just have to put blind trust in the fact that you know what you're talking about because I don't feel that she does right now. From my lens, it feels like she she has nothing for me at all. I'll be the first to admit that I am mired in the negative right now so my ability to see any positives in my XW or sitch right now is almost nil.
As far as GAL goes, I'll try to figure something out. I'm still fighting off "depressions paralysis and social withdraw" so it requires me to dig deep....very deep....to get going. It's also hot as hell here in PHX so that will drain the motivation right out of you.
Getting hit on at church. That is a phenomenon that I am not familiar with at all. Frankly, I am going back and forth on my overall ability to pick up and put myself out there to start dating again. I think that what has held me back so far is the belief that somehow my R would fall back into place sooner or later and it wasn't fair to bait someone in if I was not fully available emotionally. Oddly enough, I still don't know if that is the case. Not sure what to do there at all.
Thankfully I got my S back last night. The exchange went fine. I gathered up some more of her leftover belongings and gave them to her. That was a little hard. S came in the house and quickly said he wanted mama. That hurt my heart and made me a little angry at my XW all at the same time. I know it's not very DB-like, but in my rawest emotional form sometimes I just get very angry at XW for putting all of us, especially S, through this pain. I got over my anger and enjoyed my time with my S. I broke the rules again and let him sleep in my bed - at this point I know it makes him happy and with all the back and forth he is experiencing sometimes I feel like he needs some more closeness and reassurance from me. We play this game right before we fall asleep where I say "I love S more than......" And then I'll come up with something. The he says "I love daddy more than..,,,,," and so on until we are both too tired. Usually his answers have the word "poop" or "pee" in them. Yep - he's 3. Yep - he's a boy. Yep - he's into potty humor like his dad. Love him.
I had to drop him back off this morning at her condo. I spent the drive over rehearsing the moment in my head acting "as if" it would be a pleasant, positive interaction. It actually turned out alright. And I tried to stay as positive and complimentary as I had been when she was living at the house. She had to go to work this morning so I politely told her that she looked pretty. She asked about how my new job was going, I gave my beautiful boy a hug and a kiss goodbye and I was on my way. Maybe I'm crazy, by the way, but I could have sworn XW gave me an extra look as I was leaving. Maybe it was in my head.
So after the melee (of sorts) yesterday here is what I am trying to figure out. I KNOW that I am not going to be reaching out much. I KNOW that my pursuing-like activities will evaporate to zero. But what I DON'T know is how to act face to face. Old me was never very flattering to XW - it as a major flaw and I see that clearly now. So is it over the line to tell her that she looks pretty this morning? Part of me believes that if I revert back it will be seen as my making that change was a sham or solely conditional upon her acceptance of me. Which at this point I can clearly and confidently state is not the case. I partially believe I need to remain consistent in that regard to keep my changes going. Not to win her back, but to let her see that 1.) it wasn't a sham and 2.) this is who I am now. I guess part of me also wants to be a living example that you can fight one day and be "loving" the next. There are days where I sincerely believe that not having that modeled for her in the home she grew in caused problems in our R. Hence, as "discussion" to me is an "argument" to her. I dunno.....just thinking out loud.
