Guilt and W aren't something that usually go together, or at least I never witness it. She still holds on to so much anger and resentment from years ago. It used to bother me; now I know I've changed and it's completely unwarranted. God knows at times I did things I'm not proud of but I've asked for forgiveness, showed her the new me, and sincerely changed who I am so nothing else I can do about it. If she won't let it go and see what she has(d) then that's on her.
Weekend was pretty up and down emotionally for me and made me realize there's still a lot of healing and detaching to come.
Friday night went out with friend after W got home. She didn't say a single word to me before I left but it is what it is. I had a fun night; I did catch myself drifting to anniversary thoughts every now and then but my buddy is pretty perceptive and roped me back quickly.
Saturday W went to a wedding and I found out she wasn't planning to come home. W and D7 went to get their hair done so S5 and I spent most the day together doing 'guy' stuff (go-karts, Harley dealership, putt putt, etc...) which was fun but the thought of W not coming home was festering deep down. I know it shouldn't because we're a week from D but what can I say, I had feelings... D7 got home about 3 and kids and I went to a movie, out to dinner, then played rest of night. I fell asleep with them while watching TV in bed. It was a lot of fun overall and so glad to spend the time with them. I wonder if they know how much I was leaning on them to get me through the night... I woke up once with both snuggled against me and realized there is no where else I would rather be and W can have her new life.
W texted me from reception with some random BS to tell D7, thought it was kind of strange. Later in evening a friend texted me telling me W hung out with OM (EA) a lot but she stayed at female friends house. Wasn't the first text I wanted to read Sunday AM. I didn't really need to know any of that and it did bother me to have confirmed she spent night drinking and having fun with him (truth be told I was expecting it to go further...). Also made me miss times we shared together and I kind of wished it was me she was having fun with. Not sure if these emotions are normal or if I'm just not as detached as I thought. Didn't affect anything I did, just 'felt' it.
Sunday I was shocked that W met us at church then joined us for lunch and went swimming at gym afterwards at kids request. I just don't understand her, she wants her freedom and new life but still joins us for everything we do. Kids love the family time so much I just go with it. Why BS it, I enjoy these time a lot also. I'm detached enough that it doesn't get to me much anymore. These 'family' activities will change once D is final though... Kids were all over me all day continuing the fun time we had the day before. They were both laughing like crazy with me and it was almost over the top at times. I noticed W watching and smiling many times. They were almost ignoring her which I thought was a little odd. In past whenever one of us was gone that person would get all their attention when they got home but that wasn't the case yesterday.
Today I'm feeling pretty good and not dwelling on stuff. Just figured I'd document my journey (strong times and weaker times). I guess these little emotional 'battles' are normal (well I hope they are) and something I just need to work through when they occur. I was a little surprised about my emotions on Saturday because I really was feeling detached. I didn't really need to know what she was doing or even want to know and it didn't affect me terribly so I guess I still feel detached.
I want to admit something though and this is hard because it would be easier if I didn't feel this way. Just because I still feel like the rope is dropped, deep down I still have hope to R with W sometime in the future for the sake of the family. I realize that won't happen until after D and that's too bad because the big losers are the kids. If it ever happens she has to miss me and realize who I am and what she gave away. She has to see the monster she's created in her head just isn't who I am and life won't magically get better with me gone and will most likely get harder. My hope is that it will cause her to look at herself and make the changes that would be needed to R (and that this happens before I find someone else...).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
