Thank you once again everyone - especially 25 and Sandi.
I hear what you are saying and agree with you - I am just digging for the strength to execute. Honestly, the pain is lessening somewhat - as is the shock. The feelings of missing her are still around though - but I hope they will subside eventually. I really enjoyed the family dynamic over the last few months and now this big house just feels empty....hollow. Over time I am sure that I will get over it.
I often wonder aloud if she will ever miss me at all. Sometimes I look back through all the pictures that we have accumulated together over the years and I can't help but think she has forgotten that we had good, loving, fun times too. Has she forgotten they ever existed? Has she forgotten the joy we felt when the Dr. told us she was pregnant? Or the joy the day he was born? Where did all of that go? How does it get replaced or overwritten?
No matter, I am doing my best to move on and not keep looking over my shoulder. I wish I could tell you all that in my heart that I was brave or strong enough to say that I truly do not want her back.....I'm not. I am still praying for my family back someday - but I don't think that day will be soon.
Thanks for all of your guidance and advice. I am really trying to keep my strength up to follow it.
When expressing your feelings to us, you often add that you would not say it to your XW. the way. This is not the beginning where the LBH'S is told not to discuss the R with his W. That has been over for a long time. She left you, D you, went back to you, and left again. So, if there is ever a time to tell her the things you are saying to us...I believe it's now. Stop protecting her and laying the rose pedals for her to walk upon.
I am not trying to make this a XW bashing, but to show you how blind she is to her own spoiled life, let me point out something that she apparently hasn't considered...or has failed to discuss. If she cannot handle one child, how do you think she will handle two kids? She's wanting to have another baby, but who is going to take care of him/her?
There are countless single women who have no help with the care of their children. Many have to work more than one job, just to pay monthly bills. Most single women work a FT job and then go home to attend to the kids, prepare dinner, and take care of all the housework. It is not a picnic, and when S3 is in school, there will be the homework and extra school activities, sports or whatever. Then what?
She needs her rose colored glasses removed about how single parents have to deal with what they have on their plate. The gall that she asked if you had forgotten how hard of a time she had with him during the summer.
Why not speak up and tell her that is not how things work? She won't like it, but I grant you that she will respect you as much, if not more, for standing up to her. I know, I know you are afraid it wil push her away. She depends on you too much to get too far away.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You keep focusing on the why's OR you let your fear of losing her fill you with anxiety and dispair.
Stop asking why, stop focusing on her and her and deal with your fears so you can start moving forward (however that may look like).
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She depends on you too much to get too far away.
^^^^Bingo...
The way I see it, the R she wants with you is a co-parenting one - where you are around to help raise your son (and the second child she wants) because she does not want to do it alone.
I don't see any indications that she currently wants you for YOU and I am sure that is not what YOU want in a wife.
So let her go and live your life, because right now she has nothing to offer you.
If she ever wants you as a HUSBAND, she knows where to find you and she better prove it to you BEFORE you commit back to her or move in with her again.
You still have A LOT to live for, so get moving!
((((((crimson)))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I agree with everything people are saying. I still think you are moving with fear in your heart.
But You know this.
I think you are a man who loves his wife.. but this is the question I wonder....
" Can you love your wife when she is not going to view it as loving as all?"
Because IMHO, that's where I feel you are in your relationship.
I think you have protected her from feeling the consequences of her actions. You have given up your time with your Son. You have shown grace with the way she speaks/treats you over and over again....
.. and I believe you do this because you believe it's loving. The problem that has developed is that... by doing this SO much, you've actually become a stumbling block for her. You have become her enabler.
It's easy to become that... especially if you have a loving kind heart.. where it isn't really a "hard" thing to show compassion in the midst of anger.
So I get it... but now it's time to remove the stumbling block. It's time for YOU to get out of the way and Let God work on your wife....
... and I'm not going lie... it sukks.
It's so hard to allow them to fail. It's so hard to know when you do or say x, your wife will spit venom.
It's so hard to hear you haven't changed... or that you are angry.. when in fact, you couldn't love that person more.
There will be times that you feel that you aren't strong enough and will questions your own intentions.
It will truly be the hardest thing you will ever have to do.
But you NEED to take those steps Crimson... because doing the status quo is not loving your wife well.
It's not giving her the opportunity to dig deep in herself and work through those issues.
And if she doesn't do that - then she can't be the woman God wants her to be.
I'm not saying that she WILL look once she sees the mirror.. but she definitely can't IF you continue to stand in front of it.
Step aside Crimson. Love her. Let her go. And let God take care of your family.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Just had phone discussion with XW....difficult, tearful on both sides.....she said despite the good she sees in me when we are together we have an "unhealthy" relationship. Makes me wonder what she considers "unhealthy".
I spoke my feelings.
I did get emotional. Sorry.
She did the same.
She said "do you think this is what I wanted for myself at 40??". I said no, and it's not what I want for myself either - but I can't change it.
She repeated that we "did our best". I said we needed to do it with the help of a counselor. She said we'd seen counselors before.
Honestly, I am emotionally drained and can barely go into the details. At the end I just said that I miss my son. I probably said some things that I should have, too - not inappropriate, just too much about my feelings about her.
With regard to other people, she said she just wants me to "be happy". That's the kiss of death as far as I see it. If she ever had feelings for me at all they are long gone now.
her feelings are NOT gone...They are covered up. Layers of fear and validation by other people who think starting over is somehow easier, has disguised her true feelings.
And even if she does not care for you at all, at this moment, that can and will change.
Time will reveal her real emotions and time will allow the good memories to resurface. Then we'll see how she goes about her life. More importantly how will YOU go about yours?
back to basics for a bit. As Sandi said, your w left you, she filed and she divorced you. She came back and left again.
So, what are your GAL plans for THIS WEEK?
yes, I need to know you are doing something this week, or joining something this week, or taking a class or going to a meet up.com thing,
THIS WEEK.
Overcome the inertia and fear. You must engage in forward motion.
Swim on. But define the best as "you being happy and your son knowing he's well loved".
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
You are right about the "friends" thing. She's already said in TM "we will be friends forever....." I just don't think I can be there like that right now. If she wants to work on R, that's one thing - but not like this.
H likes to pull these fantasies out.."Oh, if your position next year is in city, we can get a bigger place and be room mates..." Room Mates??!! Lmao, the guy is delusional somedays...
Very gently I explained that one day I was going to ask him if he was in or he was out. That it wasn't going to be today or tomorrow. If he was out, then we divide up everything and go our separate ways.
He looked at me in shock and said that it never occurred to him that I would not be there, in his life.
I replied that as the mother of his kids, I would. However, that I wanted someone, a partner in my life. And since I want that person to be H above everyone, it would not be fair to a new person in my life to maintain the friendship with H at the level we now have.
Your wife seems to think along the same lines..."I want to do everything I want, but it's what I want and you don't matter, really."
While this is working for me right now (believe it or not) there will come a day when it won't. How about you? Looks like you are questioning how this is working for you, already.
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