I did somehow feel that you were having a tough day today.
I am going to tell you something. I dont think I have really said this out loud for a long time. I am happy in my life., but it is not where I want it to be. No where near. And some of that is my fault.
But I know that this is a journey I was meant to go on, T. I know it from deep in my soul. I would be lying to you if I told you that losing someone who had been in my life for over 30 years, my first love, my only child's father hasnt left a hole in my heart. It is no longer a gaping hole. It is no longer a hole I feel whenever I take a breath. It is a little skip of a beat that I feel if I pay attention. And I do feel it - at holidays, important days with my son.
I would also be lying if I told you that this is the life I saw for myself. I am forever changed from all this. Most of the change is good. A few, I am not sure of. I do not know if I will ever love again. I do not know if I will ever truly trust again completely if I do. And that is the honest truth.
But here's the thing - I have great hope. And that is what makes all the difference.
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
But I want a life that is more than okay. I want this dark cloud that has been hovering over our life to go away.
I know you do, T. This is just something that you need to go through. There is a reason. Sometimes you just have to trust that He has one.
It's weird, because if I take H out of my life equation, I am very happy about everything else. I love my kids, the light of my life, have great family and friends, love my job, am happy with who I am. Truly.
You are so very fortunate and blessed.
But I still feel that hole in my heart where my M was. And there are times it feels like a freaking crater. All the GAL in the world does not make up for the loss of my H and M. That is a hard, sad truth.
No it doesnt. It will not always feel like this, T. It will not always be like this. No matter which way this goes. You just have to see this through. For the very reason you feel this pain - because you want a chance at having your h and your marriage back. Sometimes you have to get through the hard stuff to get the prize at the end.
But then there's the damage. And the destruction is bad.
Oh my girl. I have seen people firsthand rebuild, T. And they were able to because they were a lot like you. Tough, strong, willing to fight the good fight. I promise you they made it through. They did. I am amazed at the depth of their marriages now. It is possible, my friend.
