Let my love open the door...

[Takevowsserious]

You forgot to put a Kleenex alert

I'm going to be very honest. My PMA was in the crapper today.

And of course, somehow you knew

So H asks me this morning if he can go watch his brother's baseball team (he coaches) in a tournament. I say no problem, should I expect you for dinner? He says yes, he'll be back by then.

Now because he thinks he is the master of half truths AND I can usually tell when something is up, my instincts told me this story was bs. But whatever, nothing I can do about it. He left around noon.

Now I was okay for the greater part of the afternoon, but as dinner time came and went with no word from H, I became more and more pisssed.

If he wasn't going to make it home for dinner then fine, just text me and let me know. He has no problem texting about everything else.

I just felt it was very inconsiderate of him. And I do realize he has done way worse things, but this really irked me.

I debated what to do when he came home. I figured I'd wait to see how he was and what he said.

He rolled in around 7:00 pm. Was all smiles, told me about his brother's team. I was cordial, but no Mary freakin Poppins by any means. I told him I had to run to Target for a few things without the boys.

When I got home, he seemed to be the worried little boy. Followed me around, asked me a bunch of questions, tried to make conversation.

So I say - "Should I throw the leftovers out? " (They had been sitting out for a long time and tomorrow's garbage). He comes in the kitchen and looks me right in the eye with a sad look on his face. He said, "I'm sorry for missing dinner. You made a really nice dinner, too. I'm sorry. I feel bad."

I bet you do.

I said okay. I said next time, just shoot me a text letting me know you're not coming for dinner, and I will adjust what I make.

That was it, no drama

Later, he initiated a small conversation about his health. The itchy bumps on his body are getting worse. He said," is this how I am going to have to live out the rest of my life? Because this is miserable, and these bumps are disgusting."

The whole time I was thinking about how all the lying and stress is making his body go ape sh!t. But of course I just listened and validated.

He said again about not sleeping. Now, he's been waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. His stomach has been bothering him too, said he hasn't had much of an appetite. I ended up rubbing lotion on his hands.

Back to me...

I know you do know how hard this is UW. You've been here, walked in these shoes.

I also know that I will be okay. I do. But I want a life that is more than okay. I want this dark cloud that has been hovering over our life to go away.

It's weird, because if I take H out of my life equation, I am very happy about everything else. I love my kids, the light of my life, have great family and friends, love my job, am happy with who I am. Truly.

But I still feel that hole in my heart where my M was. And there are times it feels like a freaking crater. All the GAL in the world does not make up for the loss of my H and M. That is a hard, sad truth.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I know they come right from your gentle heart. And to be honest - sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through.

The last part you wrote... That is what I wish for too. More than anything. Even now, I still believe in my H and our chance to R. Can't explain it, but I know he's in there. I think he is going to make it through.

But then there's the damage. And the destruction is bad.

I know, getting ahead of myself - once again lol!!!

Wait, hear that noise? I've got the blender cranking out some drinks for this evening. I think we have more than earned them

Thanks again, my dear friend