Re: Thought I Was Piecing, Now I'm Detaching III

[25yearsmlc]

Ok not good.
I started talking to her about vaca house and how to deal with bunny and she instantly went into D talk.

10 years of being unhappy .
I was calm because I was on Ativan .

She said she wants me to leave house. I said I would not leave my home or kids.
She said redic that all guys leave house.

that doesn't sound like a "legal" opinion to me. What do YOUR L's say?


Why would you want to stay in this marriage she said .

well, the truth is you DON'T want to stay in THIS marriage. You wanted a decent one.


We haven't talked in 2 months . I said that was her choice . I'm ready to work on marriage . You asked for space. I said of course I would like our marriage back on track

She said divorcing me would make her happy. When I'm not around she is happy.

This all spewed in 10 minutes. No escalation.

Good

At end I said would not stand in her way of divorce and told her what I thought was best for marriage . Working on it.

I did ask her how we worked on marriage since I've moved back. No answer.

She ended by saying I consider us separated right now. Sell the vaca house so I can move out. I made no comment

Okay so the part about "consider us sep right now" means what? That she can date OM? My guess is that is what SHE means.

SO you'll have to figure out how you will cope with that. Maybe you can talk to your IC about the co-dep thing AND your Lawyer about your legal rights.

But I would fully expect the texting of OMs to continue, she won't be wearing her wedding rings, and she'll go out. Do not be shocked by that. Don't spin.

And did she say sell the vacation house so SHE can move out, or what? And who says selling the house is just YOUR task?

She'd have to help too, b/c it has to be a home that shows well. It's in everyone's interest...if a divorce is going to happen.

Does she expect you to do all the work FOR a divorce? Hmm, I don't want to mind read but it sounds as if she has given you instructions to complete the divorce SHE wants. I don't think that's reasonable or fair, but then, from what you have said, she's not been fair or reasonable for some time.

So she SAYS she has been unhappy pretty much the whole marriage? Wow, she's a great actress. Missed her calling...

BUT that's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Her being "happy", or acting as if she will be happy when you are gone, or her being miserable or having unresolved ACOA issues, or childhood problems and you talking to her mom, are NOT your problems.


Your goal is to provide stability for the kids, and yourself. DO NOT FREAK.

Try to remember that these problems are not sudden. It's been a long time since the marriage was good.

I say this, so you don't revise the marital history (the inverse of her version of how crappy it "always" was) into something that was making you happy and NOW you'll be so unhappy.

Let's be frank. GET READY PON b/c I need you to "hear" me. I don't do this often but I can see two possiblities here. Your course of action is the same...

Either she wakes up by seeing you GAL and not losing your sh1t, OR she does not. But either way, you GAL and you become a happier man.

Here are some things to recall.


She's treated you badly for a long time. Given that, Worst case scenario, how will your life get worse?

YES I KNOW you'll miss seeing the kids as often, and that stinks. It does! I concede this will not be painless. We all get that.

But I see no other downside to this, in the long run. I am sorry to say that. But then, I am glad to say that b/c

You are allowed to be happy and loved PON. And in THIS M, with your wife as she now is and has been for some time, I don't see that happiness or love, happening.

But in your new life, which YOU WILL CREATE and have already started with your GAL, you'll meet other people who "get" you. Who value you...and someday down the road,

you'll enter a loving R with someone who is healthy, and works on herself to stay that way. It takes work. Like cars that need tune ups, or they break down, we all need to work to stay well.

You're with someone who has consistently blamed others for her own misery.

Do you see how much easier life will be - without constantly trying to make an angry person, NOT angry?

and IF she notices that you seem alright without her, that YOU might even be okay without her or God forbid, happier,

she may wonder what the heck just happened. She's a score keeper big time. She will measure her "Victory" by how miserable You seem.

The more at peace you seem to be (and fake it til you make it WORKS) the more she might wonder...maybe, just maybe it's HER...