7 months pregnant ... Facing separation

[Accuray]

You've got a whole lot of issues swirling right now, and you're on moderation so your replies will be delayed. The more you post, the faster you'll come off moderation.

Your longer term issue is characterized as "pursuer/distancer" and is often referred to is the pursuer/distancer dance. It works something like this: H originally loved the pursuit, but when he "had" you, he cooled off. His withdrawal left you "starved" for the connection you need, and to get it, you tried to pursue him to get it. i.e. if you want him to call you during the day, you call him. If you want him to invite you on date nights, you invite him.

Eventually, you get tired of it and withdraw yourself. You stop calling, you stop scheduling dates, and you retreat emotionally. After some time, he notices this and it makes him uncomfortable, so he reaches out to you and does some of the things you need.

You take that as a sign that things are going to get better, so you "move back in" emotionally, and try to take things up a level. That results in him withdrawing again, you try to fill the gap, and the cycle repeats -- that's why it's called a "dance", it keeps going around and around.

There's an excellent book that describes this dynamic called "The Solo Partner", but it is unfortunately out of print. You can often find a copy at a library or sold used online through various sources -- highly recommend it!

So what causes this horrible dynamic that is really no fun for either partner?

What it comes down to is that everyone likes a certain amount of "emotional distance". If we convert it to physical terms, let's say that Mrs. X likes her husband to stand 3 feet away from her, but she's comfortable in the range of 1 to 5 feet. Her husband, Mr. Y, likes his wife to stand 4 feet away from him, but he is comfortable in a range of 2 to 6 feet.

Most of the time, they will be between 2 and 5 feet away from each other, so they'll be comfortable together. When Mrs. X moves into 1 foot, however, Mr Y is going to distance, because it's too close for him. When Mr Y moves out to 6 feet, Mrs. X is going to complain and/or pursue, because that's too far away for her. In relationships that are NOT characterized by pursuer/distancer, the partners have enough overlap between their comfortable emotional distance that the difference almost never causes an issue because it's within their range of comfort, even if it is slightly different.

In pursuer distancer, Mrs. X might be comfortable with 1 to 4, but Mr Y. is comfortable with 4 to 8. Therefore, the *majority* of the time their distance gap is going to create problems, and only by exception will they be aligned (both at 4). Those times will seem "really really good" to both of them, but will be too few and far between.

So what do you do about it?

Unfortunately, overcoming it requires both parties to work on themselves, which requires motivation.

The "close" partner needs to determine if their comfort range is unreasonably small, or they need people unreasonably close. Are there neediness issues that need to be addressed? Are they codependent? Do they try to "merge" with their spouse rather than remaining independent in the relationship?

The "distant" spouse usually has intimacy issues and fears letting people too close. They need to dig into why that is, and do the work necessary to open up and let people in.

Depending on how big your gap is, you MAY be able to get to a better overlap if just one person does the work, but it's a lot harder.

In some cases, you just can't achieve overlap where you are *right now* in your relationship. In that scenario, you've got three choices: (1) leave and try to find someone else more emotionally aligned, (2) stay and try to get your intimacy needs partially met elsewhere, through GAL, family, friends, etc. and do the work to determine if you are needing too much, or (3) stay and hope that your current division is temporary and with time you will naturally come back together.

Most "experts" don't recommend #3, because it can take a *long* time to get there, and the period of waiting may be painful enough to sabotage a potential positive outcome.

Not saying I've nailed this or that it applies 100% to your sitch, just some things for you to think about.

Accuray