...but he said that its over and he is not going to give up OW he has very strong feelings for her. And our marriage dead along time ago.
Kelela, this is what almost ALL of the WAS say!!
And Thumpered is right, he doesn't know what he wants, he just wants to feel "better". The only real way for him to feel better is for him to work on what's inside of him, but he doesn't see that yet. Right now he's trying to rearrange things in his world, to see if that will "help".
It may take a long while for him to realize these external changes aren't going to fix him, and you are going to have to be very strong and patient. And, you are going to have to work really hard on YOU!
Marriage is tough sometimes, we just have to be tougher
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm having a really hard time with this whole situation I don't know how to handle this. I have tried to gal and I just can't move on. I know everyone keeps telling me to be very patient cause most affairs don't last right now they are in The fantasy stage. H spends the whole day with OW then I don't know exactly what time he gets home. I don't understand if he is so concern about how our boys will feel about this situation between their parents. He is never here to spend any quality time with them to show that he cares deeply for them. He is off spending all of his time with OW. This tells me that he doesn't care about our boys its bad enough that he left me for OW but now its like he left them too. I can see the hurt and confused they are cause he is not around like he use to be.
M:42 H:37 M:14yrs S:13; S:9 Found out PA:8/2012 2nd PA & still w/OW:4/2013 H asked for D:6/2013 H moved out: 8/2013 H & OW moved in together: 8/2013
Are you sleeping? Are you eating? Are you reading others' posts and your DR book?
Quote:
I have tried to gal and I just can't move on.
You haven't been at this for very long at all. GAL is not a magic or quick fix. What "have you tried"?
You are still at the stage of panic. Its really hard to GAL when you're hiding under your bed hoping its all a bad dream and will be back to normal when you wake up. And this panic doesn't make you "bad" or less than anyone else. I do believe most on this board went through some ugly/crazy days. I personally can remember having a full blown tantrum on my closet floor, kicking, yelling, throwing things, the whole deal. And if that is where you "are" right now then you probably aren't ready to GAL because you haven't finished the purely emotional, visceral, reaction to what's been thrown at you.
Lets back up a bit and try again, ok?
First, have you and H had any more R talks? If you haven't, thats good. Remember to NOT initiate any.
Second, find some distance. Distance should turn into "detach" but right now settle for distance. Pretend your H is gone on a trip of some sort. In his place is a look alike you'd rather not spend time with - so don't.
Third focus on your kids. Tell them Daddy is trying to work some things out for himself and you and they can help by giving him some space and time.
Fourth breathe. Calm. Center. Breathe. Your panic wants things fixed RIGHT NOW! And that just isn't going to happen. What is going to happen is that the sun will keep coming up, the kids will get hungry, laundry will need to be done etc. Focus right now on these normal every day things. Try to keep things steady and on a schedule of sorts. That will help you and your kids.
Fifth, This tells me that he doesn't care about our boys its bad enough that he left me for OW but now its like he left them too. I can see the hurt and confused they are cause he is not around like he use to be.
What this really "tells" is that your H isn't thinking "clearly" or "sanely". It will help you, A LOT, if you STOP expecting him to behave rationally. Your H is "all over the place" in his thinking right now, he'll say one thing and do another. Just let him go. Step back.
Take care of YOU.
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Mizjjd I haven't been sleeping very well lately but its my fault I'm letting my race once again. I know I need to cut it out. Its just hard but I think today I'm doing a bit better I have keeping to myself and not looking over to see what H is doing cause I already know what he is doing and it hasn't bother me one bit today. We are having small conversations about the festival this weekend in the town we live in. I'm trying to be happy around him even tho we both know I'm still hurting and I'm trying to give him all the space he needs and I'm still praying that things will get better and hopefully one day we will be able to reconnect and yes I know it will be a long time from now. So far he hasn't brought up the D again and trust me I'm not going to bring that up. Im not ready to give up yet and I hope he isn't either and I'm not going to ask at all. Maybe with me pulling away it will make him see that I have changed a little.I still could use a lot of prayers here. I'm going to do everything I can to see if I still have a chance to save my marriage. And I'm so greatful that I'm getting a lot of advice on here. Today is a new day and I'm starting to come up with plans to change my approach to my situation cause I really want to save my marriage.
M:42 H:37 M:14yrs S:13; S:9 Found out PA:8/2012 2nd PA & still w/OW:4/2013 H asked for D:6/2013 H moved out: 8/2013 H & OW moved in together: 8/2013
Mizjjd I haven't been sleeping very well lately but its my fault I'm letting my race once again. I know I need to cut it out. Its just hard but I think today I'm doing a bit better I have keeping to myself and not looking over to see what H is doing cause I already know what he is doing and it hasn't bother me one bit today. We are having small conversations about the festival this weekend in the town we live in. I'm trying to be happy around him even tho we both know I'm still hurting and I'm trying to give him all the space he needs and I'm still praying that things will get better and hopefully one day we will be able to reconnect and yes I know it will be a long time from now. So far he hasn't brought up the D again and trust me I'm not going to bring that up. Im not ready to give up yet and I hope he isn't either and I'm not going to ask at all. Maybe with me pulling away it will make him see that I have changed a little.I still could use a lot of prayers here. I'm going to do everything I can to see if I still have a chance to save my marriage. And I'm so greatful that I'm getting a lot of advice on here. Today is a new day and I'm starting to come up with plans to change my approach to my situation cause I really want to save my marriage.
M:42 H:37 M:14yrs S:13; S:9 Found out PA:8/2012 2nd PA & still w/OW:4/2013 H asked for D:6/2013 H moved out: 8/2013 H & OW moved in together: 8/2013
You can't save your marriage right now Kel, but you can do damage to end it.
I know how you feel, we're both in the early stages of the game, but we're still in the game. Don't have regrets later that you didn't fully put in the work. The work starts with you and ends with you.
I know it's hard, he!! I'm right there with ya, but these first steps must be taken, they get easier.
Thank you thumpered, I will just do that when we starts texting once again to OW in front of me. I'll just go for a walk around the block with my boys. That way I can get a small workout and spend a quite time with my boys. Thank you for your advice. I wish that I could give you advice too; I'm not good on giving advice to ppl. I'm still figuring out my life now. And how to improve my life I'm taking it one day at a time.
M:42 H:37 M:14yrs S:13; S:9 Found out PA:8/2012 2nd PA & still w/OW:4/2013 H asked for D:6/2013 H moved out: 8/2013 H & OW moved in together: 8/2013
And actually, you may find it helps YOU if you begin posting on others' threads. You don't have to have "answers". Often just a "I feel your pain." or "Good luck today." is very helpful to others because it lets them know someone out there does care. It tells them they are not alone - and THAT is very helpful! And then you will begin to build a "virtual" friendship which is good for both of you
So I encourage you to begin commenting on others' threads kelela!
It doesn't have to be 1000 words, just enough to say "hello". This would be a 180 for you - yes? And even a small way to GAL. Give it a try!!
And make today good for you
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I'm slipping back into that scared mood again and I'm back to wanting my marriage to have a turn around. I hate having these days where one day I'm fine and the next I'm not. I wish I could just get a miracle to get my marriage back on track. I know that is not going to happen any time soon. Or it may never will. I just want my H to come back to me I miss Him very much I didn't just loose my H but I lost my best friend and I don't know how to get them back. I'm trying so hard to be patient and today I've took several steps back. I'm right back into the wanting stage again.
M:42 H:37 M:14yrs S:13; S:9 Found out PA:8/2012 2nd PA & still w/OW:4/2013 H asked for D:6/2013 H moved out: 8/2013 H & OW moved in together: 8/2013
