It's been a tough week. I've had my adviser riding my ass since my labmate claimed I didn't know wtf I was doing. I also got food poisoning so was out for the day. I did learn something valuable during this time though... A very interesting enlightenment.
When my adviser started yelling at me, and my labmate betrayed me I wanted to quit. I realized growing up that my mom was the exact same way. There was always somebody out to get her, and it might have been true. I was reading this self-help book on the Doormat syndrome. And I, am a walking doormat. I feel guilty when I say no to people, and can never stand up to myself. I realized a lot of my aggression went towards my H, because I could never truly express what I wanted to those who were really hurting me. As I started to read this book, I realize I have a huge problem with assertiveness. I actually had a good convo about it with H, and decided that I needed to tell my adviser wtf was up. He's only been paying me 4hours a day to work in the lab, but I spend 8-10 hours there a day because I want to do good work. This girl ratting me out spends maximum 4 hours that she gets paid for. Yesterday, when I told her to inform him I was out because of food poisoning, and she failed to do so and he left me this nasty e-mail, I realize she felt she could do so because I wouldn't stand up to her. Well, I wrote a nice stern but polite e-mail to my advisor (he's still my boss so I can't go overboard) telling him BS I do my job. I am hoping I can keep this up and confront that girl. I've helped her out so many times, and upon reading this book I realize she may not even think what she's doing is wrong. She may think she needs to control my work load because I am defenseless and seem unknowing. I don't need anyone to control my work but me. When it comes down to it I have to worry about my own money, and assets. I hope I can adapt this attitude and keep up with it. I am tired of being a doormat for everyone.
This may be an odd sentiment, but on weeks like these I have no trouble detaching from H. My work and school have been so stressful and hectic this week that I've not thought about contacting him, nor did I have a desire to. H was away at his parents again this week, and I am becoming like I used to, obsessed with pleasing everyone at school and work. I always feel like I'm the dumb one in the room, with little contribution to the group, and I can see why it may appear I have a lack of desire to do anything. I am isolating myself from social events again as I did with my H. It's hard to be attentive to anything when you have piles of information to memorize, and a thesis to worry about. H complained often that I was wrapped in my own world of lab work and science, and paid our relationship very little attention. Although, and this is no excuse on my behalf, many of my labmates struggle in keeping up their own relationships because of the amount of time needed for applied sciences programs. I am horrible at balancing between the two, and I know I have to learn how to. I just don't know where to start... I wish there was a manual for these things.
Ugh. I just lost my temper. Usually I'm a pretty patient person, but I just lost it. All the stress this week, and my marital problems, led me to yelling at H, and scaring him away. Now I'm back to square one. I just have so much pent-up anger I don't know if I can control it. I'm still in IC, trying to deal with one problem at a time. I lost it when H went out again, and I guess my jealousy added to the situation. I have all these thoughts that he might be sleeping with someone else. I know I know. I need to get over it. Well this whole thing is still new to me, and the wounds still fresh. I just got DB in the mail and started reading it. I hope it will help. Please send me strength so I can get through this patiently. I'm so ashamed of how I've handled things.
I got my DB book but wasn't able to read past chapter 5 due to work/school conflicts. My husband has been away at his parent's house for the past week and I have made no contact with him, neither has he with me. I actually haven't had trouble with the no contact rule this time around. I've placed myself in another experiment in my lab, in which I've spent long hours of my time focusing on that. I've actually been a little relieved he's not here right now so I can without guilt put time in my lab and school work. One thing I think I realized, and I don't know how true this is, is that I've always been able to easily neglect my marriage when I'm in lab. I will stay there until 11pm or midnight, and my H used to text me asking me when I was coming home. He no longer does that of course. He also complained that if I spent this much time at work how were we able to have a family. I'm so very confused right now. Do I continue to go to work for long hours, or do I show him I've changed? I love what I do, and a lot of work I do requires solid lengths of time. Also I'm getting paid to do this, and it's my thesis. I feel like if I don't show any work I'll be kicked out of my lab. I want my marriage to work, but I'm just exhausted from worrying about it. I'm a bit lost. Also, I got news that a grandmother I'm close to is deathly ill. Now, I'm a bit depressed over that. I can't see her until August, when some time will free up (she's out of state). I got to stay positive and try to keep my head up.
Sounds like the long hours in the lab are an escape and more-of-the-same for you. While H is away, sure it makes sense. But you might want to try training yourself to work reasonable hours and make sure work doesn't supplant other priorities like your family. You don't have to do this in plain view of H if you're doing it to correct a habit that helped damage your marriage it's for you, for your life, not a tactic he needs to witness.
OTOH if you're a student and this is a time-limited thing then you should probably just go for it and get it done. Just try to incorporate balance into your life so you know how to do it, and don't sacrifice other things that you really want, for your job.
You've painted a picture in which you have to work until 11 or 12 or you'll show no work and get kicked out of the lab, and there's probably a middle ground there. Don't exaggerate, and do take seriously that based on his comment, your commitment to working late into the night is going to negatively impact your relationships.
I get that you're exhausted from worry. I too have become too tired from other things to worry much about my relationship. I still work on it, and on me, but the worry part, that's a waste of time. Figure out what you think is the right thing to be doing, and stay focused on doing that. That, it sounds like, is giving him space and working on you so you will be a woman only a fool would leave. Keeping on that path, you won't get lost. It may or may not save your marriage but it is your best shot.
Sorry to hear about your grandma. Can you skype with her or write her letters or cards? Or work on your plans for a visit in August? I find, at least for me, taking some kind of positive action helps combat the depression.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I agree, I do have a tendency to exaggerate my needs to do things right away. I also deal with a lot of anxiety that I'm trying to battle through in IC. I feel an urgency to finish my work or my world will collapse. It's difficult battling my anxieties but I agree with your idea of quietly showing husband my new habits.
Today I'm dealing with mixed emotions. Has anyone felt these? My husband has been away for more than a week, and returning today. He says he wants to talk today after work. (I'm sure that'll be good). The stress of when he's here and having to deal with his hurtful talks makes me almost want him to give him the ok to get out of our apartment. I know based on the veteran advice on this website I shouldn't encourage that, so I guess I'll just vent it here. I want our marriage to work, but I don't want him here sometimes. It's very stressful. I felt relieved while he was gone.
Well, I finally got some time where I can go visit my grandma. I've decided to up my trip and go as soon as possible. I booked a flight out for today after I stop by my lab and store some cultures so they don't all die. I think I will stay for a few weeks, and this will give me some time to focus on everything. I more so want to go, so even if things don't work out in my M, I won't regret not visiting my grandma one last time. I am hoping I can help her around the house if she ever makes it out of the hospital.
I've been consistent in reading these forums everyday. While I do no reply often, as I have little advise to offer at this point, I get so much out of just knowing there are other people out there who are going through the same thing.
I'm at my grandma's house now. I didn't realize she was so immobilized. She's 85 and was unable to do anything when I arrived. I have spent the last week trying to nurse her as best as I can. Her only wish has only been to avoid a nursing home. She has been doing exceedingly well now that I've been helping her get around. She wasn't even eating until I got here. Now I force her to eat everything I make. She's slowly gaining energy so I'm happy I can focus on that. I've also taken up some needlework that my grandma has shown me, which I've enjoyed. I still am stressing over what's going on in the lab and need to focus on not worrying about things I cannot control.
I haven't spoke to H since I've been here. It's been easier focusing on my grandma. His birthday is coming up in two days. Should I text him to wish him a happy birthday or remain quiet? Opinions?
I think it would be nice to text him. Have no expectations, just do it if that is who you are. I'm glad you're spending time with your grandma, you're both lucky to have a good relationship.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
