Me too Dawn Marie. Me too. It sounds silly but it helps. Sometimes when my H is acting really hurtful, I think okay Linda just get thru tonight, if he is still acting like this in the morning PLAN B! But he never is, his mood changes from minute to minute.
How are you doing? Nero, did your H go home yet? How did the visit go?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
thanks for asking. going okay- he's fixing this & that- being nice- still leaving tho. so wtf??? what is it all in aid of? i'm askin ya.
i just go with it- am trying not to think - talk - be me - etc.
poor dawn- i get her stress. this business of reining oneself in and acting like all serene, etc. it stinks. why the heck should i be fun or appealing to such a jerk? he's choice to wreck our r, life, sitch- so, that earns him wooing??? sometimes this db is soooo counterintuitive i want to explode.
i'm pretty calm at the moment tho- so not rabid. just kind of "cold" inside. if i even think he's nice- i remind myself i need to really get to hate hm. (most probably- i the end)
it evens me out.
it's true tho- for this moment in time i have given my ole little self (usually ms got-the-facts) permissing to not know a darn thing about it all, him, me, love, fture, etc. nothing at all.
i'm not even giving it all air time anymore. does nothing more than hurt my feelings and make me crazy. all my friends scratch their heds and preach like mad- i do not care.
if it all blows up and i've made a mess of it- idon't care. i'll deal with that mess when it pops up.
it's freeing kind of to let go of responsibility for smart actions, images, thoughts, etc.
I understand what you're going thru Nero, and why you feel like you might even hate him. What will happen to us if it's true, that our Hs are undergoing a temporary mental breakdown, and will get over it someday. In 3 to 5 years, sigh. Will we want them then, after all we've been through?
How long have you been at this? It will be 4 years for me this September. I sort of feel that, even though things are WORSE than ever and my heart has been ripped out and run over, I can't give up yet. Maybe in 12 months. Maybe in 18 months. But what if after standing all these years, he never loves me again? What if I don't love him?
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
do i ever "hear" you. my h began being seriously wierd & ratty about five years ago. he'd quit smoking a few years before that and was "edgy" - to be expected i thought- me, i was the totally devoted , understanding loving gal i am- thru all that- then he got really really wierd- prompting me to just screw up my courage a few times- and just ask. is he okay- are we okay- are we poor- is he unhappy, have someone else, etc. ALL THE REALLY REALLY HARD THINGS TO ask when you fear possible bad ansers.
he lied and lied and said all okay- goin thru some stuff sort of thing- men get crabby, etc.
stupid me- i believed and believed til 2 yrs ago july - around now- FOUND OUT about his cheating & ow-
sooo- idk how long i've been at it- feels like a million years - may be 7 - BUT - WITH THE DISHEARTENING information and total knowledge - TWO FULL YEARS. IT'S BEEN the most awful years of my life- i feel exactly like you-
WHAT IF IT'S ALL FOR NOTHING? WHO can make that call- not me - not yet.
i guess we get to tell ourselves it was the most important thing in our lives and we gave R every possible chance.
gave him every possible chance- that's about the best i can paint it. otherwise- i just do not know what to think and how it will turn out and if i'm crazy to be doing this.
all equal- gotta blow- lawn mower stopped back later.
Snodderly posted a great explanation of how being "done" felt for her on Portia's thread. From what Snodderly said, it seems neither of us is there now, and when we are, we will just know....
But what if after standing all these years, he never loves me again? What if I don't love him?
this is the thing - isn't it??? i always thought real love could endure anything. I have endured alot and yet - by my own definition i've got to "stand" a bit longer. i guess it's reaching the absolute outer limit of your tolerance - ORRRR some new love bashes you on the head and it's soooooo everything h isn't (now) it just washes you away. don't know which to hope for - which is "rite" or if there is a rite or wrong . their mlc kind of changed the rules & moved all the familiar landmarks.
i feel bad most of the time- but it's not over yet. I hope (and think) snodderly is probably rite and we will know without doubt - when we reach "the end".
I can't put his happiness above my own any more. i don't want to be in a r with him as anything other than what i was. h thinks we we can be "something". not me.
i figure the THING that keeps them from ending it and going their own way is love- they may never know it tho, or acknowledge it- so it may not do us a dawm bit of good - (just my gut feelin). could be crazy
so- i got nothin - and we're just 'stuck" being who we are- doin what we are- til we receive "wisdom" from the universe -
oh cripes - hope your day is a good one - or an okay one anyway. xxoo (( ))
i feel bad most of the time- but it's not over yet. I hope (and think) snodderly is probably rite and we will know without doubt - when we reach "the end".
See this is where I differ. I have reached my "it's over moment" and I think the agony is not being able to act on it.
I can't move, he won't move so I sit in my own doneness, brewing, and confirming just how done I am. While everyday he proves to me just how much I am done.
Nero, today when h came home w some stupid as$ reason why he was late I told him to turn back around. I knew he was lying...and he knew I knew.
He said he would take his pay w him and I said nice threat, so your think your gonna keep me down. When he said you know I wouldn't really do that I said lets put it to the test. I took his arm and handed him his shoes. He went out the door and said, wait, you'll have to do better than this.
I said what you think you have here, oh who's gonna take my family from me, is a lie you tell yourself, you will not have anything, wake up and see the truth. Your flip means nothing to me anymore and I have no concern for what your going through, look at me, do I look like I mean it, yes!
He quietly went in the house, took his phone and blocked EA. He said it's done, I do hear you every time you speak, your not wrong, she is too much anyways.
I said Fu. I'm unmoved by your empty gesture and walked away. He then called ea telling her, again more theatrics, don't call me anymore. I said this all means nothing to me, if I have to leave I will.
SO I guess I have met my doneness head on. To what end!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
now we do know- for sure- that when it's time we will know.
soooo- given the fact that you have backed it up with your actions- what next?
howcome you say you are not "doing it". when you've told him to leave. do you mean actually filing for divorce? will you go "there"? do you want to? do you want it allllllll over and done for final and good - or just a break from what it is now? just your own space to get away and assess (or reassess?)
have you spoken to attorney and have they assured you - you'll end up with house and place to live and some support til at least your daughter is out of school?
short of changing locks - what can you do to budge him? legally? and what are you willing to do - anything or be guided by your compassion and decency?? i can't imagine way out of your impasse & his resistence. (and your soft heart) (no bad thing to have in life)
I'm kind of jealous that you are soooo sure. i was thinking about the contrast thing of h being around or not. spewing or not0- it messes me up- the times he's nice & around - tho, now that i say it - it makes me care less for him than more. i was feelin moi detached and "cold" on way to airport - no hurtness or sadness - just a loose "your choice buddy- don't come cryin to me when you realize what you've destroyed" overall feelin. hard hard bit@h. (hope he felt it- who can know?)
the daily interaction with my knowledge of ow- and his being fonder a bit- but still "holding back" all the time. i could kill him alot of the time when i see him. it's the distance that makes me fond sometimes- or objective about the many good good years he has provided- more than anyone else in life. does that matter? now?
bottom line tho- i do not care about his happiness. he's f'd up mine toooo much now for me to give a darn abut his.
i just wrote to you in your thread- hadn't seen this one .
i feel better a bit to know that when my limit is reached i'll know- and i feel good for you having that knowledge.
no one said it would be easy getting unentangled- i guess you've achieved the first step tho- certainty. now you just have to figure how the heck to implement it all-
no small task. it's a long long time together - to figure hte end. with , what? fairness? kindness? charity? whatever all the things are that you need to go into it?!!
good guts saying you're unmoved by his dopey calling ow and saying don't call me. mind you- i'd take it - i'd take anything that indicated a person was still "in there" (in h's skin). you know - verbalization - a gesture? whatever
i think he is just someone else now- probably forever- i am a lazy woman - i feel a bit "inadequate" in the face of your gut-ful-ness. oh well huh? guess like popeye I am what i am. we're gonna let me be who & what i am for just awhile longer without criticism & guilt- waaaay too much of that for me.
i am going to go sew or paint- and do a day of something i love without thinking[- no kidding. gift to self....
no judgement of self- no demands - nothing other than, today, celebrating being alive- not feeling bad & being who i am.
i'm really just a regular ole person- doing the best i can.
DO YOU THINK WE ALL REALLY "DO THE BEST WE CAN" MOST OF THE TIME?????? EVERYONE///???with the circumstances & brains we're given? just curious
have a great day- feel good about your mental state & strength of spirit & wisdom - i'm there with ya in thought - whatever is going on or you decide - know it.
so in answer to your "to what end" - sit quietly and the universe will bop you on the head with your own "wisdom" about this. go forward as you have been- in your own time- with your own words & actions and i'm thinking it's unfolding as it all "should" - (the universe's own time line & "plan")
i'm gettin pretty "buddha" and new age - huh???i'm feelin it this morning- breath deep - love is all around us probably- just need to somehow suck it in- & be receptive-
