I might try talking to her about daughters school and see how that goes. She said in general convo with neighbor it cost to much which is excuse cuz we have cash
T2 now my W has gotten me paranoid. I feel like she gets mad if I talk to her mother for any reason. Old me called her for validation . But we still talk now just when she needs to borrow something etc. if my W hears or finds out she is grumpy baby . I try to avoid talking to her at all costs but she is my mother in law
Ok not good. I started talking to her about vaca house and how to deal with bunny and she instantly went into D talk.
10 years of being unhappy . I was calm because I was on Ativan .
She said she wants me to leave house. I said I would not leave my home or kids. She said redic that all guys leave house.
Why would you want to stay in this marriage she said . We haven't talked in 2 months . I said that was her choice . I'm ready to work on marriage . You asked for space. I said of course I would like our marriage back on track
She said divorcing me would make her happy. When I'm not around she is happy.
This all spewed in 10 minutes. No escalation.
At end I said would not stand in her way of divorce and told her what I thought was best for marriage . Working on it.
I did ask her how we worked on marriage since I've moved back. No answer.
She ended by saying I consider us separated right now. Sell the vaca house so I can move out. I made no comment
Ok not good. I started talking to her about vaca house and how to deal with bunny and she instantly went into D talk.
10 years of being unhappy . I was calm because I was on Ativan .
She said she wants me to leave house. I said I would not leave my home or kids. She said redic that all guys leave house. that doesn't sound like a "legal" opinion to me. What do YOUR L's say?
Why would you want to stay in this marriage she said . well, the truth is you DON'T want to stay in THIS marriage. You wanted a decent one.
We haven't talked in 2 months . I said that was her choice . I'm ready to work on marriage . You asked for space. I said of course I would like our marriage back on track
She said divorcing me would make her happy. When I'm not around she is happy. This all spewed in 10 minutes. No escalation. Good
At end I said would not stand in her way of divorce and told her what I thought was best for marriage . Working on it.
I did ask her how we worked on marriage since I've moved back. No answer. She ended by saying I consider us separated right now. Sell the vaca house so I can move out. I made no comment
Okay so the part about "consider us sep right now" means what? That she can date OM? My guess is that is what SHE means.
SO you'll have to figure out how you will cope with that. Maybe you can talk to your IC about the co-dep thing AND your Lawyer about your legal rights.
But I would fully expect the texting of OMs to continue, she won't be wearing her wedding rings, and she'll go out. Do not be shocked by that. Don't spin.
And did she say sell the vacation house so SHE can move out, or what? And who says selling the house is just YOUR task?
She'd have to help too, b/c it has to be a home that shows well. It's in everyone's interest...if a divorce is going to happen.
Does she expect you to do all the work FOR a divorce? Hmm, I don't want to mind read but it sounds as if she has given you instructions to complete the divorce SHE wants. I don't think that's reasonable or fair, but then, from what you have said, she's not been fair or reasonable for some time.
So she SAYS she has been unhappy pretty much the whole marriage? Wow, she's a great actress. Missed her calling...
BUT that's NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Her being "happy", or acting as if she will be happy when you are gone, or her being miserable or having unresolved ACOA issues, or childhood problems and you talking to her mom, are NOT your problems.
Your goal is to provide stability for the kids, and yourself. DO NOT FREAK.
Try to remember that these problems are not sudden. It's been a long time since the marriage was good.
I say this, so you don't revise the marital history (the inverse of her version of how crappy it "always" was) into something that was making you happy and NOW you'll be so unhappy.
Let's be frank. GET READY PON b/c I need you to "hear" me. I don't do this often but I can see two possiblities here. Your course of action is the same...
Either she wakes up by seeing you GAL and not losing your sh1t, OR she does not. But either way, you GAL and you become a happier man. Here are some things to recall.
She's treated you badly for a long time. Given that, Worst case scenario, how will your life get worse?
YES I KNOW you'll miss seeing the kids as often, and that stinks. It does! I concede this will not be painless. We all get that.
But I see no other downside to this, in the long run. I am sorry to say that. But then, I am glad to say that b/c
You are allowed to be happy and loved PON. And in THIS M, with your wife as she now is and has been for some time, I don't see that happiness or love, happening.
But in your new life, which YOU WILL CREATE and have already started with your GAL, you'll meet other people who "get" you. Who value you...and someday down the road,
you'll enter a loving R with someone who is healthy, and works on herself to stay that way. It takes work. Like cars that need tune ups, or they break down, we all need to work to stay well.
You're with someone who has consistently blamed others for her own misery.
Do you see how much easier life will be - without constantly trying to make an angry person, NOT angry?
and IF she notices that you seem alright without her, that YOU might even be okay without her or God forbid, happier,
she may wonder what the heck just happened. She's a score keeper big time. She will measure her "Victory" by how miserable You seem.
The more at peace you seem to be (and fake it til you make it WORKS) the more she might wonder...maybe, just maybe it's HER...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thx 25 for this post and support. I just got off phone with my Alanon sponsor and his answer was "work on yourself" If you love her you might truly have to let her go. Let her go file and you do the work.
We are separated right now means? I didn't ask. I found it comical. I think she is having EA in my opinion. Yes i expect rings to come off again.
I did stand up for myself tonight. Told her I wasn't leaving my home and my kids. That I wasn't responsible for her happiness, if I was I would turn it on. She said the reason why it goes well for 4 months is she tries for 4 months and then doesn't feel it anymore and stops. She's not one of those women who can stay in marriage for the kids.
None of this got escalated. She was attacking me a little here and there.
I told her I was bummed out that she felt this way again. Her response "Not again, always felt this way. Never changed"
Not to beat a dead horse on hormones. Day 16 is today. This is the day she has asked for a divorce for 20 months now. I kid you not. Everytime she asked for D was on this day. It is scary scary scary.
I'm ok with conversation. I didn't initiate it. Which I expected that after 2 months of me not initiating conversation she got mad and had to spew.
Honestly I think she is having affair.
I know she has been talking with neighbors and friends trying to validate that the kids would be ok through all this.
Anyways I didn't try touching the hot stove but the hot stove wanted to be touched apparently.
Oh yeah. This one made me sort of laugh. I said W don't you think its strange that a comment I made spun you back to where we are at. She said it wasn't the comment. She's felt this way for a long time. Comment had nothing to do with it. Same comment that she said over and over I shouldn't have made.
Anyways. PON is ok. I have local support and my higher power. I'm guessing she is going to start her child games. No rings. Going out not telling me where.
"We are seperated" means that she doesn't have to feel guilty about how she is treating you because she is no longer committed to the marraige. She is free to have affairs, not communicate with you , be rude, etc, because she is "Seperated".
I have had to explain to my W, the she is not "Seperated" until we are divorced. Right now, these are just simple, low class, affairs.
I notice when rent is due, she does not step forward with the %50 that my prior "roommates" had paid. Nor, will she be "Seperated" when I submit my benefits paperwork for health insurance next Jan. At these times, she is fully married.
I assume PON that this is pretty much what your W means also.
Just popping in here while on vacation and the boys are supposedly asleep (and yes, it's a separate vacation without W, and so far am having a blast!).
Just want to echo 25yrs as this is how my sitch has played out:
Quote:
she may wonder what the heck just happened. She's a score keeper big time. She will measure her "Victory" by how miserable You seem.
The more at peace you seem to be (and fake it til you make it WORKS) the more she might wonder...maybe, just maybe it's HER...
This ^^^^^^^^ is playing out the last year or so...W is now looking inwards. I am just going about being me and damned determined to live a happy, content, productive life regardless (now that I finally figured it out).
Hang in there! T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Gabby I appreciate your support and I know you mean well for PON. I thought I handled myself the best I could last night. I didn't escalate and you held her to her statements. I said just so I understand "you don't want to work on the marriage, you don't love me, and you want a divorce"
I also told her I wouldn't stand in her way if she files but I would not move out of my home and leave my kids. She didn't like this at all. Basically said (MA) all people that go through D the husband moves out. I didn't respond just told her I wasn't moving out of my home.
My alanon sponsor told me to slow way the H down. I do let this stuff spin me out the next day more then it should. (no detached)
T2 I appreciate you chiming in from vacation. Glad it is going well. One thing I did tell her was I planned on taking kids to vaca house this weekend. If she didn't want to go that is fine but I was going to start enjoying the house with the kids.
My big concern is that she thinks its ok to say "from this moment on we are separated again." Like a teenager breaking up with a boyfriend.
T2 did you get this too?
Maybe talking about going to vaca house was to much pressure for her. Me acting like there were no issues made her panicky. For last 2 months I just worked on myself and did not pursuit or temp check. almost like she needed me to last night. She tried drawing me into argument and I didn't escalate.
"I said I am really bummed out that you feel this way again" In a sympathetic tone. She couldn't respond to me after this. I noticed all she could say was "ok, ok" She was trying to get me to beg and plead and I didn't.
I stuck to my guns. That I wasn't responsible for happiness. That if I was I would flip the happiness switch on. Happiness comes from inside. Just like you don't control my happiness.
I also didn't promote D but told her I wouldn't stand in her way at all. That I wasn't holding a gun to her head.
She definitely discarded the issue was my comment (like 25 said)
She also said something very unique from before. She said I'm not staying in M for kids this time. I know the kids will be fine. I'm staying in M because I fear how you will handle the D. I said what you mean. Your not easy to work with etc.. That I don't want to have to do everything through L's. I said I'm not easy to work with because I want 50% custody of kids, holidays, birthdays etc.. Sorry that doesn't make me impossible because you want something one way and I don't agree.
My only disappointment is let this spin me out today. I'm over it now but this morning (anxiety always high) I really let it get to me. I didn't speak to W but I spoke to mutual friends and Alanon sponsor. sponsor told me to slow down and put it into Gods hand.
My anxiety is resided because I know what I have to do. I do know if she starts going out acting like a single teenager like 25 stated she will most probably do that boundary will not be tolerated.
Appreciate all support. T if you have a break let me know if any of this sounds familiar
