Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I was reading through Crimson's thread last night. Our situations are so similar and the advice he is getting probably translates exactly for me. Last night, as I was catching back up with his comments and those helping him, I just had to shut my laptop and put it down. I couldn't take it.

I don't think I'm living in reality. Somehow I went from a place of strength to a world that is spinning, and reading through the thread I kept thinking, "This is me...this is my situation...this is my reality"...and I don't think I've really come to accept it.

Maybe my mind has been fooling me. Or I've been fooling myself. Or I have allowed myself to be fooled. So I slept on what I read last night and came back and read it again. Things like:

I believe she will use the child as her bait to keep you hooked...

...If you will start doing as the court laid out in the papers, it will start to open her eyes to how much you had been giving her and how hard you had tried. She NEEDS to abide by the D papers and see how the real world is. Not to punish her, but to help her see how unreasonable she has been. And even if that doesn't jump start her into getting her eyes open a little more, the fact that she shoved you away and now (and in the future) sees you having a life without her.....compared to her own empty life. She has had you filling in the gaps and rescuing her whenever she had a bad day, and calling the shots about child visitation...

You have been the one to make personal & lasting improvements......not her. You were the one who did all the giving over to what she wanted.. It was not a two-way street. The painful truth is that it would continue to be like this, as long as you were the one doing all the changing, growing, and giving......and she did none. I believe the only way she will change is to really have to stand without there to prop her up.

That's another thing I think she'll try. Look for her to pull the friendship card. And when you agree, then she will "use" and abuse the hell out of it.

sandi2 is describing my sitch to a "t". TO A "T".

And then:

The only times I have ever seen a D couple be on even friendly terms was after they had truly detached from each other. And then, they did not hang out together, like your xw thinks of "friends" after D.

Hard to read, but I probably need to read it.

And then more.

I believe you are going to see where you have out-grown her...And until she really believe you are moving on.....she will not take that same hard look at herself, an see what others see.

...B/c it is like you approaching a door that has only an inside knob. You can't push it open. The only way is for her to turn the know and open that door from inside...

...But that is why I believe the WAS says it is easier to have new R than to repair the old one. Yes, it is easier on our feelings!

Ugh. What a gut punch of truth.

And then Crimson reaches inside my brain and says:

Sad thing is, I WANT to help. I STILL have this drive to help her, make her life easier - and I have to make a conscience decision to shut off my heart and stick to my guns. I wanted to believe that "being there" for her helps our relationship but it doesn't. It's cake eating.

I struggle to understand how she does not see that the kind of help that she is asking for is the kind of help you get when you are a couple, a partnership, a team. Why is it that she believes she can have all the ease of a two parent home without having to live in one? It just seems so clear that she is missing a partner or the benefits of having one - but not enough to realize we are ALL better off together...

...You are right about the "friends" thing. She's already said in TM "we will be friends forever....." I just don't think I can be there like that right now. If she wants to work on R, that's one thing - but not like this.

I am so addicted to this woman. And I see my situation being played out almost exactly with someone else and it shines the light on my own sitch...and it was just a lot to handle for some reason last night.

In Crimson's thread 25mlc says to "lovingly detach". And the advice I'm getting from all of you who have been kind enough to read through all of my garbage and help me in my own thread is saying I need to step away as well.

Hope is a dangerous thing for me. I think I have always had hope that reconciliation with my wife is a puzzle and if I just dissected it and thought about it enough, if I did and said the right things at the right times, that I could figure out a way to put the puzzle together.

So I have hoped, but I haven't let go. It's time I open my ears, do something different, and let go. I can still hope, but I have to let go.

To my XW's inevitable question: "I thought we could be friends", I guess my answer is, "maybe someday, but not right now."

I'm addicted to this woman. I need to break my addiction and I have fooled myself into thinking I could do it while hanging around her. Really what I was doing was just feeding that addiction. So I think the advice I have been given is best: go cold turkey for a while.

"XW,

I agree that we need our independence and that we need to be okay on our own. What we've been doing isn't working for me, so I have decided that I need time to deal with what my life is today, and for the future. And I have found that I cannot do that with so much over my head. Therefore, unless there are issues concerning the children or the finances, I will not contact you, and I ask that you do the same for me."

^^^To be delivered. I am very sad.

-PM