Crimson.....Are we broken or just bent?

[25yearsmlc]

Crimson,

do you fully understand what Sandi is telling you? I agree with it fully. The ONLY thing your w has not seen from you,

is some detachment. I don't mean merely "NO contact" and some GAL.

I mean "warm detachment."

that means WHEN SHE CONTACTS YOU, you are pleasant and upbeat (not so much with the !!! b/c it's too eager looking but maybe I'm just being a woman who reads into things...)

WHEN she reaches out, you react positively IF IT FITS YOUR Schedule, etc.

But you act as if things are OVER and you are still a nice guy...but you are moving on.

She must fear losing you. AND Crimson, for God's sake, IF she does NOT fear losing you

or thinks she's losing you and does not care,

then it's time to let go for real.

You said "maybe she does not know how to swim", meaning, she might not know how to pursue you once she sees that you are gone to the "other shore"...

well, do you want to be married to someone who does not KNOW -- OR WANT TO LEARN

how to love you?

She has done very little work. IMO, she's calmed down some. She's lessened HER anger and owns 5% of the marital problems and bristles that you'd ever ask her what SHE has done.

Now, to be clear, I think ASKING someone what THEIR work is like, is foolish. A big mistake.

THEY WILL TELL YOU if they have done it AND if they want to share that.

It's not something you'd ask, unless they had cheated or broken your trust and lied, and needed/wanted to earn your trust back and prove that the wrong they did, would not be repeated... etc.

Your w is manipulating you and for her to ask to take S out of town AGAIN, and not with you

is wrong and selfish. You need to be a little surprised at her and let that show. YES a bit indignant but "sincerely curious" about her intentions or self awareness. Many random thoughts and comments came to me and of course you are free to ignore them all. But here are a few...and obviously if they are not true or applicable, toss them!


"xw, you do realize I have not once taken S out of state for any amount of time? How many times have you done that?

I feel as if I'm the only one who read the divorce agreement, a divorce I did not want, but which only I seem to be following..."

XW, I don't know what it is that you think I still owe you. It's unclear to me.

is it MORE time with son OR "more help with son". I find this confusing.

When you claim I am selfish when I say what I want, I feel as if I'm being punished for not giving in to your every single request. It's as if you don't realize how deeply wounded I was to have you come home only to leave, quite suddenly...without much discussion.

As if 'WE" have learned nothing about communicating with each other, which really bothers me b/c I have come to communicate with others a lot more..."
"


Crimson, I don't know that your xw will return. She has behaved with so much confusion for her age, that I worry she's just not going to get it.

But I also know that the "bend over backwards to accomodate her" and to

"prove you are not a jerk"

HAS GONE FAR ENOUGH.

Crimson, get "real data". Live by "real data" about you. Meaning, the truth.

Don't let false data affect you.

You are not a jerk. You are not selfish. (Or at least when you are, you're more self aware than most) and you DO change.

You are a great guy.


So when she pulls the "have not changed, still selfish, old Crimson", stuff,

know that it's not real. And if it is not real, it cannot get inside you.


That worn out cliche is just pure manipulation from someone who is STUCK and perfectly willing to yank your chain (heart) and not regret it, evidently.

I am sorry.

I have advocated FOR her for a long time and maybe I'll see something new from her that changes my mind.

But what I'm seeing now, and for the past several months, off and mostly on, is someone who likes to eat cake.

And you have given her too much cake.

Be happy, be yourself, be a great dad, and move along.

Swim to the other shore. STOP second guessing yourself & looking back. Enough of that. It hinders your forward movement.

No more worries about THIS date or THAT comment, or picture or text...just keep your eye on the goal.

That "goal" is your new life with your son, and someday in a loving R with a woman, who may or may not be your xw --

but not your xw as she is now.

IF there is a chance of her wanting you as a mate, and a man, it has not happened yet.

And the only thing YOU control in this situation is your attitude/availablity to her.

So drop that availability. Not as a dad, but as everything else. No more "in love" with her showing. Show her that you "get it" now. She's done...okay, see you later xw...

Let her absorb that new reality. The new world where Crimson is NOT pursuing his xw OR pining away in his home wishing she'd take him back or thinking about that future baby...

Let her say to herself "OMG what have I done? Did I just let go of a man who is a good provider, LOVES OUR SON like I do, loved ME, "got me", changed for me, waited for me, wanted similar things and was on my team,

b/c I did not "FEEL" ...what?? I miss him. I FEEL LIKE I MISS HIM...b/c he's NOT here.

what do I do now? I FIGURE IT OUT...

Make sense?