Let my love open the door...

[reachingHigher]

I'm the mom that packs a ton of stuff when we're not at home (someone might need a band aid, or a Kleenex, or a juice box, or a wet wipe, etc.)

Hey! I'm that mom too! Lol!
I can hardly believe when I was in my 20's I would pack for a week in Europe in a bag that would fit under the seat in front of me since I would fly standby!

What's happened? We try to take care of everyone else and any anticipated needs all the time! It's so hard to let go! At least for me!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I love that you were able to go to the theme park together. It sounds like he really enjoyed this family outing.

I remember the awkwardness last summer of going to a water park with H and S13. This was AFTER he said he was NEVER coming back.

You forget for moments that you're this family in crisis and suddenly you're laughing and having a great time again! Together!

And then he's brushing your boob! Or in my case, he just stared openly at my legs (as I had a swim suit on and had been mountain biking a lot) and said he could see the tan line from my bike shorts. Hard to recover. Everyone else in line looks so normal! Lol!

H told me later after that incident that he was so hungover on that visit to the water park that he almost hung his head over the railing and threw up. So glad he didn't

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There is so much pressure for you these next two months. What will happen? How will H react? Will he became one massive itching skin disorder?

Or start to peek out of his depression and see YOU. Beautiful you!!

Lovely, standing for right, truth and love....YOU!

Hugs,
rH

[Takevowsserious]

Thank you UW, Linda, complicated, and rH!

Very tired tonight, will post an update tomorrow.

Things continue to get interesting around here. Very interesting.

Forget the fruit slushy, we may need a shot or two ladies! Lol!

You can still bring the hummus Linda

Sleep well everyone

[RosaLinda]

TVS and rH, I can just picture your Hs sneaking a peek and a brush too funny. RH, isn't it sort of disconcerting to.be around all those "normal" people on lIne? I often wonder if any of them are as happy as they look, or if the W is having an affair or if the H is in MLC.

Looking forward to your update tomorrow T! Get some rest my friend

[Raine]

I LOVE that you are calling her frumpy twat now. Only way that twat would twinkle is with glitter.

I can only imagine that when your real H gets off the mother ship, he will be very shocked and appalled with what his alien counterpart was doing while he was away. "Seriously dude...that? I left you with my hot wife and this is what I come back to? Really?"

[Takevowsserious]

Hello All!

Was reading back through my thread. Such support from everyone

I was thinking about some of the things you wrote, Complicated.

My H is not on any AD's, nor do I see that happening any time soon.

No doubt eventually all OW end up showing their true colors. It's easy to put on that "I'm so great and wonderful" mask for awhile, but it can't be forever.

I think my H's OW has been showing her true colors for awhile now. Sometimes I wonder if he keeps trying to prove himself right about her, keeping the A going when it is running out of steam.

It's hard to admit when we're wrong - maybe impossible if you're in crisis.

I wish you all the best with your sitch. If your H is choosing to spend time at home, I think that is a huge step in the right direction.

Ha ha rH - I liked your theme park story! I think they do notice us, even when they're in deep. Just not sure exactly what thoughts they are processing...

And I could be wrong - I could be totally wrong - but I think my H is noticing me more and more. Now what he's doing with those thoughts, it's anybody's guess lol!

Honestly Raine, I don't think there is a better name for her than Frumpy Twat!

Though remember my sis said she looked like an ugly Cabbage Patch Doll! But Frumpy Twat Ugly Cabbage Patch Doll is a little long

I can only imagine what is going on in my H's mind. One day, when (hopefully) he is out of the fog completely, I think he may be quite embarrassed at who he chose to have an A with, who he chose to risk everything for. She is such trash, and she dragged him down in the gutter with her. Sad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Soooooo.....

H had a golf outing yesterday, which was legit. I assumed he would use this opportunity to see her and come home late. He wore his date night undies and golf shirt I believe she bought him.

He surprised me by coming home a little before 6:00 pm. He was drunk as a skunk again

Seemed jovial (lol!), called me babe, talked about how he golfed, asked me how my day was with boys.

Told him my parents were coming over soon to visit. He got weird and said something like "Your parents will think I'm an idiot. A big fvcking idiot,"

I didn't want him around my parents like that, so I suggested he lay down. Fortunately, he past out.

Slept till a little after I got boys to bed. He was still pretty drunk. He then started his major attempt to get attention from me.

He asked me to rub his neck because he had a massive headache. So, I decided to (as FY put it) "shake things up a little".

I started rubbing his scalp - told him they did this during my massage the other day, and I thought it felt good.

Well, he absolutely loved it. Kept saying how good it felt over and over. I can't explain it - it wasn't sexual, but maybe kinda sensual? Oh, and he so asked me to rub his thighs????

At one point he said that this feels so good, this human touch.

I thought that is what he is getting from OW????

As I have said before, I have spent a long time distancing myself from H. I've given him miles and miles of space.

But I think the time has come to change things up a bit and see what happens. I'm going to continue to give him space, but have stepped up the other stuff - eye contact, physical touches, conversation, non- sexual flirting. So far, so good.

The evening ended with me saying I was tired and going to bed (which I was after having boys all day). He thanked me, said he appreciated it, then started getting texts and I could hear him texting after I went to bed. He said this morning that he didn't sleep well again last night.

Unfortunately, I think he is seeing her for a bit this afternoon. He made up some thing with his brother, but I don't believe it. We'll see if he comes home for dinner (which he said he would).

So over FT and all this nonsense. Putting my big girl pants on and digging deep, deep, deep for patience

Btw, finished "The Affair". Very interesting. Found myself getting mad at the H, and he's not even a real person lol! Good read though, very good read.

[uRworthy]

You have such good instincts, so I think changing it up a bit and seeing how it goes is exactly right.

As far as the OW, I think it is hard for them to admit they are wrong. After all, in order to have this affair, look at what they did to their marriage, their lives. To admit they were wrong means there is something wrong with them. And they need to be in a place to be able to accept that.

I know for my xh, the affair lasted longer than it would have for just those reasons. He had to try to make it work in order to justify the devastation it wrought. So he held on as long as he could.

Their thinking is so distorted in their jello MLC brain.

But the affair doesnt have the legs to last, as it is built on such negativity - lies, deceit, crisis.

She is losing her control, T. I feel it.

He is spiraling, I can feel that, too.

And here you are, amazing and strong.

Get a longer shovel, sweetie. That's all you can do right now.

Oh and get out the blender. I've got my chair. Snacks and drinkks are on me.

[GALbaby]

YAY TVS..great progress. Keep making him want you. Might just have to set some boundaries regarding FT, if you think you are going to get to...you know what!!

[uRworthy]

T, I was thinking of you today and felt that I wanted to say something to you.

I wanted you to know that I know that this is terribly hard for you. I know that it makes you sad and angry. I know that you miss your h and your marriage.

I felt the need to tell you this because of how I feel about you. I never want you to feel that I do not know that this has hurt you to your core.

You and I sometimes use our sense of humor to get us through the hard parts and that is really important. It has gotten me through some really tough things.

And I do believe completely what I write to you, that you will be ok, that you are handling this with such dignity and strength. I also want you to know that I understand.

This journey is so wrought with emotion. It is unlike anything you will ever go through.

It can leave you broken if you let it.

But you have such a spirit about you, T. Such strength. I have seen you grow and change and find yourself.

And I hope and pray with all my heart that your marriage is restored, that your family becomes whole and that you and your h make a new, stronger, marriage. One that you both forge together with what you have both learned. One that has an unbreakable bond because of the knowledge that you weathered the toughest thing you could and made it out the other side.

[Takevowsserious]

You forgot to put a Kleenex alert

I'm going to be very honest. My PMA was in the crapper today.

And of course, somehow you knew

So H asks me this morning if he can go watch his brother's baseball team (he coaches) in a tournament. I say no problem, should I expect you for dinner? He says yes, he'll be back by then.

Now because he thinks he is the master of half truths AND I can usually tell when something is up, my instincts told me this story was bs. But whatever, nothing I can do about it. He left around noon.

Now I was okay for the greater part of the afternoon, but as dinner time came and went with no word from H, I became more and more pisssed.

If he wasn't going to make it home for dinner then fine, just text me and let me know. He has no problem texting about everything else.

I just felt it was very inconsiderate of him. And I do realize he has done way worse things, but this really irked me.

I debated what to do when he came home. I figured I'd wait to see how he was and what he said.

He rolled in around 7:00 pm. Was all smiles, told me about his brother's team. I was cordial, but no Mary freakin Poppins by any means. I told him I had to run to Target for a few things without the boys.

When I got home, he seemed to be the worried little boy. Followed me around, asked me a bunch of questions, tried to make conversation.

So I say - "Should I throw the leftovers out? " (They had been sitting out for a long time and tomorrow's garbage). He comes in the kitchen and looks me right in the eye with a sad look on his face. He said, "I'm sorry for missing dinner. You made a really nice dinner, too. I'm sorry. I feel bad."

I bet you do.

I said okay. I said next time, just shoot me a text letting me know you're not coming for dinner, and I will adjust what I make.

That was it, no drama

Later, he initiated a small conversation about his health. The itchy bumps on his body are getting worse. He said," is this how I am going to have to live out the rest of my life? Because this is miserable, and these bumps are disgusting."

The whole time I was thinking about how all the lying and stress is making his body go ape sh!t. But of course I just listened and validated.

He said again about not sleeping. Now, he's been waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. His stomach has been bothering him too, said he hasn't had much of an appetite. I ended up rubbing lotion on his hands.

Back to me...

I know you do know how hard this is UW. You've been here, walked in these shoes.

I also know that I will be okay. I do. But I want a life that is more than okay. I want this dark cloud that has been hovering over our life to go away.

It's weird, because if I take H out of my life equation, I am very happy about everything else. I love my kids, the light of my life, have great family and friends, love my job, am happy with who I am. Truly.

But I still feel that hole in my heart where my M was. And there are times it feels like a freaking crater. All the GAL in the world does not make up for the loss of my H and M. That is a hard, sad truth.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I know they come right from your gentle heart. And to be honest - sometimes it's the only thing that gets me through.

The last part you wrote... That is what I wish for too. More than anything. Even now, I still believe in my H and our chance to R. Can't explain it, but I know he's in there. I think he is going to make it through.

But then there's the damage. And the destruction is bad.

I know, getting ahead of myself - once again lol!!!

Wait, hear that noise? I've got the blender cranking out some drinks for this evening. I think we have more than earned them

Thanks again, my dear friend

[uRworthy]

I did somehow feel that you were having a tough day today.

I am going to tell you something. I dont think I have really said this out loud for a long time. I am happy in my life., but it is not where I want it to be. No where near. And some of that is my fault.

But I know that this is a journey I was meant to go on, T. I know it from deep in my soul. I would be lying to you if I told you that losing someone who had been in my life for over 30 years, my first love, my only child's father hasnt left a hole in my heart. It is no longer a gaping hole. It is no longer a hole I feel whenever I take a breath. It is a little skip of a beat that I feel if I pay attention. And I do feel it - at holidays, important days with my son.

I would also be lying if I told you that this is the life I saw for myself. I am forever changed from all this. Most of the change is good. A few, I am not sure of. I do not know if I will ever love again. I do not know if I will ever truly trust again completely if I do. And that is the honest truth.

But here's the thing - I have great hope. And that is what makes all the difference.

But I want a life that is more than okay. I want this dark cloud that has been hovering over our life to go away.

I know you do, T. This is just something that you need to go through. There is a reason. Sometimes you just have to trust that He has one.

It's weird, because if I take H out of my life equation, I am very happy about everything else. I love my kids, the light of my life, have great family and friends, love my job, am happy with who I am. Truly.

You are so very fortunate and blessed.

But I still feel that hole in my heart where my M was. And there are times it feels like a freaking crater. All the GAL in the world does not make up for the loss of my H and M. That is a hard, sad truth.

No it doesnt. It will not always feel like this, T. It will not always be like this. No matter which way this goes. You just have to see this through. For the very reason you feel this pain - because you want a chance at having your h and your marriage back. Sometimes you have to get through the hard stuff to get the prize at the end.

But then there's the damage. And the destruction is bad.

Oh my girl. I have seen people firsthand rebuild, T. And they were able to because they were a lot like you. Tough, strong, willing to fight the good fight. I promise you they made it through. They did. I am amazed at the depth of their marriages now. It is possible, my friend.

Because there is always hope.