Crimson.....Are we broken or just bent?

[sandi2]

I believe she will use the child as her bait to keep you hooked. She knows you might have the strength to ignore her TM's, so she sends a picture of the one sure thing she knows will get you to look. She has always used him. And, I think she'll try to make you feel guilty about not letting her have him for the 4th. But if you will not let her control you by using your son to get whatever she wants at the time, you will get strong enough to get past it. She may not stop trying to use him as her ticket to get what she wants, but you will see it for what it is.

For what it's worth, I certainly believe you SHOULD take this holiday for you and S. Crimson, let's be honest here. She has been terribly spoiled with you bending over backward to win her back. Now she expects those same old "excuses" to keep working. She told you to think about it b/c they so seldom get an invitation for a trip? Is she kidding? Only a person who has been spoiled would say that after coming from a trip out of state........and won't even respond to how she has never had to go without him on the 4th. Which leads me to this next paragraph.

" told my friend the other day that there are days when I want to tell her that there are two different sets of rules. One set exists when we are together or WORKING towards being together in some fashion. THAT set of rules has a lot more flexibility and I am willing to be much more self-sacrificing and compromising. The other set of rules is in place when we are no longer a team, no l longer a family, no longer working on rebuilding. THAT set of rules establishes me and S as one household and team and her and S as a totally separate household and team. It changed the dynamic completely. I have been using set 1 forever now - regardless of what we are doing. It can't keep going that way. Is that a bad way to view things? Is it selfish? It is oppositional??"

The way I see it, you should tell her exactly what you've said here. It is not a R talk, and it tells her that you are no longer going to play this by her rules. If you will start doing as the court laid out in the papers, it will start to open her eyes to how much you had been giving her and how hard you had tried. She NEEDS to abide by the D papers and see how the real world is. Not to punish her, but to help her see how unreasonable she has been. And even if that doesn't jump start her into getting her eyes open a little more, the fact that she shoved you away and now (and in the future) sees you having a life without her.....compared to her own empty life. She has had you filling in the gaps and rescuing her whenever she had a bad day, and calling the shots about child visitation. She wanted her time and thought you should let her come along with S when it was your turn with him. I promise you that she is going to try it again. She will throw out those same old things that has you already thinking. "You just want everything your way". She will try every trick in the world, when you don't crumble over the old tricks. You won't will you? B/c you have nothing to feel guilty about!

You have been the one to make personal & lasting improvements......not her. You were the one who did all the giving over to what she wanted.. It was not a two-way street. The painful truth is that it would continue to be like this, as long as you were the one doing all the changing, growing, and giving......and she did none. I believe the only way she will change is to really have to stand without there to prop her up.

That's another thing I think she'll try. Look for her to pull the friendship card. And when you agree, then she will "use" and abuse the hell out of it. The only times I have ever seen a D couple be on even friendly terms was after they had truly detached from each other. And then, they did not hang out together, like your xw thinks of "friends" after D.

I believe you are going to see where you have out-grown her. As you have become a more attractive person, she has not done the work (b/c she didn't see where she neede to change) and therefore, she is unattractive in comparison. I hope she will finally accept and put some real effort into improving. It may br the shock she gets of losing you. I don"t think she meant to "lose" you, she just wanted an unrealistic existence in a R. And until she really believe you are moving on.....she will not take that same hard look at herself, an see what others see.

I looked for my book about love being a decision, and remembered I had given it to a D friend to read. I do agree that you can't do more than being the best Crimson you can become. B/c it is like you approaching a door that has only an inside knob. You can't push it open. The only way is for her to turn the know and open that door from inside. And that's what it boils down to when you have this kind of stitch. If she can do what she needs to do, then you will know it b/c she will have no trouble in telling you she loves you. But when a person's heart is closed, they don't feel love for that OP. I think your W thought that those love-feels would push open the door....and it sounds good and seems right in theory, but in my experience, I had to involve my own volition b/c it just wasn't happening otherwise.

When we meet a new person and fall in love, it seems like those emotions have the control over us. But we are very physically attracted to that new person, and we don't have any bad history to remember. Maybe none us would have ever gotten M in the first place, if we had not had such strong feelings. But that is why I believe the WAS says it is easier to have new R than to repair the old one. Yes, it is easier on our feelings! But the WAS is usually led by their emotions, and they are not attracted to the old R person. That's usually the plain, honest truth right there.........even if there is some sexual attraction, the WAS is turned off about "something" in the LBS. the unattractiveness outweighs the attractive. In time, the resentment, insecurity, unhappiness, or whatever, becomes so large that the WAS can't seem to get past it. The heart shuts down.

Now obviously I can only speak from a woman POV. I remember a young lady on here that had a WAH. He was sexually attracted and seem to enjoy their homelife. But he met OW and in the end, he chose OW and D his W. He was still having sex with his W and living with OW. His W tried so hard, but he still chose the OP. So, sometimes there just isn't a good answer when dealing with why people do what they do.

I believe you have started out on the right foot, and I know you are in so much pain. It does get better, and I say this as a mom who watched her son go through so much agony that we were afraid of what he would do. I have not told the board about it, yet. But I saw so much sheer pain in him....and had all the stories from the LBS's on the board running around in my head and it seem so sureal to me. I felt it had come around to bite me in the heart for my own WAW ways. He was losing his W, M, children, and his home. Who would have thought this time last year that he would be in a place that he could say he was okay and could move on.

I only told you about him b/c I wanted you to know that I don't just slap you on the back and tell you to smile and everything will be okay. I have seen D very close and know how it can hurt lives. I have also seen very hurt lives be restored and happy again. That is what I pray for you.