I know h is confused as he has said so many times. He has started to see the hurt he has caused everyone, even OW though I could give a rats a$$ about her. I can see that she is desperate and is why she contacts me.
What I don't understand is why she would do that to h? I'm glad she did because he is an idiot if he would go back to her now. I'm glad I was able to keep my cool because I think it made me look like the better person.
Another thing h told me is that people warned him about her and he wished he had listened. He said she has quite a temper and I guess it had started flairing up where mine (yep, I admit I have one) has definitely tapered down. That was one of my 180's.
I also think mil's talk with him is or has gotten to him.
I do realize from everything I have read on here that post h might not or probably won't be like pre mlc h and I feel like I am prepared for that. What I'm not prepared for is h still not knowing what he wants to do with our m after all he has done. I don't know how much longer I can hold out.
We are going out of town with D19 tomorrow and we were supposed to stay together and D19 stays with her team. With everything that has happened he has chosen to stay seperately. I initially thought this might be an opportunity to reconnect but that won't happen now.
The decision to stay in separate rooms was decided by h because he was not happy that I had the kids see my Dad for 45 min on Father's Day before they saw him. He completely flew off the handle with that one so I still can't do anything right in his eyes.
My other 180s was to GAL more. One night this weekend he stopped by, of course without notice. MC had told him to spend more time at the house and with the family to see if it helps him. I made plans to go out with my friend and since I did not know he was coming over I made the plans. He came over before we left and I said "see ya" I think he was a little surprised.
He also said I didn't show him I cared enough. What he still doesn't understand is that was my response to the way he was treating me at the time but I'm doing little things now. Just little things and he doesn't shy away from them.
We still ml now and then so that was no different and I think that was another thing that set OW off. He apparently told her because she referenced that in her phone call.
Right now I'm really having trouble getting past the hurt of them getting together AFTER he admitted A and agreed not to see her.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I understand your concern about not knowing how much longer you can last. You likely have more patience, yet. That said, standing does not mean "standing still".
Would moving forward with your life require finding someone new?
You can certainly move forward as though this will be your life from this point forward and that you now work specifically on creating a better life specifically for you and your kids, whether your H joins you on that journey at some later date, or not.
How might that look, for you? What do you see your life like in a year, two years, five years... if your H was not part of the picture?
KD I feel like I have used up all my patience and what I had in reserve.
It seems like every time I feel like I'm moving forward another blow happens. Is this the way the process happens?
As far as would moving forward with my life require me to find someone new? I think I am so mixed up and confused right now I just don't know. I have been going out with friends for a while but since we're not divorced I'm just not one to flirt or even show I "could be" interested. I had some one tell me "I know you're not ready to date but if/when that time comes I would like to take you out".
I have not done that in 28 years and I don't know if part of me is scared or what. I think still being married is difficult because that is what I am having a problem with my h. We are still married and even when we called off the d he continued the affair.
The other part of me is wondering if I will ever get to a place where I can trust him again. Even after he admitted to the affair he met up with her a few weeks later. I feel like I continue to catch him in lies. I don't know if they are innocent leaving things out or intentional and right now I feel intentional. I feel like I am always wondering if he is talking/texting her. I know he has to finish his process as everyone says but I just don't know if I have it in me anymore.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I think I thought after the A was finally confessed things would get better. Even though I have read so many other threads on here I still had this "hope" it would get better.
I totally agree that this has got to be one of the hardest parts. My h doesn't even know if he wants to save our M. I read "hopefulstill" and that did give me hope. While I think his OW is out, or trying to hang on by her finger nail, I think it has finally almost finished running it's course. Still, I don't think we have heard the last of her.
My H was still having that small amount of contact that keeps their moods swinging. They get pressured by OW. Right now OW wants to know how he could do this to her. Does she not know that she played her own part in this? She got involved with a married man who had a family. He stopped the divorce yet she still continued to see him?
Not only do his moods go up and down like a yo-yo but he has been very emotional. I feel like telling him, wtf, can you imagine what my emotions are like? Are they still somewhat clueless to "all" the damage? He is still clueless about how we got here. He still blames me for everything.
How long does this part of the process usually take? How long does it take for them to see that we are not to blame for all of their unhappiness. The way he broke down today when talking to him shows that he believes I treated him terrible for 23 years and he turned to her.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I am spiraling out of control. My H is not happy, I'm sure because he has realized how he has hurt me, our kids and OW. I know I am getting pushy and I don't know how to stop it. I want him to give us a chance now that it is out in the open. I think he misses OW because he has spent the last 3 years carrying on a secret A.
I am not happy because I feel like he still doesn't care. He doesn't love me and he has said this and why he had the affair.
His moods swing back and forth minute by minute. I feel like he is ready for D one minute and the next he needs time. Today he is ready. I feel like I'm out of time. I'm tired of this also but because I feel like he won't try.
I have read what hopefulstill wrote on someone else's thread and it sounded like for him he asked his wife to give him 1 year with no communication.
This is what I want to try. I feel like I don't have anything else left. He said he has ended the A. He has lied so much I don't know.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Haven't been feeling well. I think because I feel like this is the end although I have felt that way before.
I feel like h is always moody after he talks to OW and yes I think he is talking to her again even after he said he wouldn't. He told our 2 oldest girls and of course he didn't tell them how long it had been going on or that he is still talking to her.
Not sure what to think. He is very angry right now because we were out of town and a couple of the moms know about the A and they were not nice to him. Mostly cold but one of them said some things to him when she was drunk...not that she wouldn't have said it before.
I don't know what he thought people would be like. These are friends of both of ours.
When we got back he said he was done. I think he talked to OW on the phone on his drive back. We were in separate cars and D19 was in my car. He seems to be worse after talking to her.
So I went and talked to his mom on Thursday. Told her I didn't know what to do. I have always gotten along with H's parents. We talked a while and H, he's living there, got home early and saw me there. His mom said a few choice things to him and he stormed out. He still won't talk to me. He felt like he was being ganged up on.
I'm sure that has pushed him back to OW full force. Maybe this is what was meant to be. I really feel like he is getting close to the end of the journey, not sure what stage, but maybe we are going to be the statistic where they marry OW.
I hate to think that way since I have been standing for our m for so long. Before this past weekend I really thought we had a decent shot. Now, not so much. Does anyone know if they are worse close to the end?
Is there anything DB wise we should be doing when they recognize the damage but still think we are to blame?
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
I am sorry you are going through so much pain. You sound very sad and frustrated.
You seem to focus on what "stage" your H might be in. As I understand it, the stages are really best viewed in the rear view mirror, that is when you have the perspective of time and distance.
It seems you have a fair amount of expectations regarding your H, and you are understandably upset when they aren't met.
It may help you to keep in mind that MLCers don't behave like "normal" people, and "expecting" them to just sets you up for disappointment. Remember "Zero Expectations"
What fun thing do you have on your horizon?
Take care,
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
Mizj, Thanks for posting that link. I did go back and read it. It does clear up some of the confusion. My h cycles from sane and seeing the pain he has caused everyone to it being all about him.
Nothing new on the horizon. We just got back from a small trip for S19's soccer. They are usually very fun trips but h couldn't take what people thought about his A and pretty much blamed it on me. Or the after affect seems to be my fault.
Haven't had a chance to read your sitch but will do as soon as I can. I always like to see how others are handling this.
You are so right about zero expectations. I think when things start going halfway ok you start thinking things are getting better, then you take several steps back. One thing I haven't fallen back on is working on myself though. Even H has noticed the changes but when he gets mad he says "you haven't changed". I want to be a better person. I don't want to be the person who gets mad about small things.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
Complicated, something else to consider. When he says you haven't changed, in part, that's because you weren't the one that needed change. Some for sure, but not the drastic change he seems to need.
Also, now that the A is out in the open, your H has a few choices to make. That's not what he expected nor wanted, but it is his responsibility. Once the A is in the open, he has to choose to either continue down that path or change direction. Give up the addiction or not. Only he can make that choice. Your choice is to be ok with either choice he makes. Or not. But there isn't much you can do other than wait and if he decides he wants to talk about it, be open to the conversation without judging. Or put another way, delaying the judging and expressing your feelings until later. And of course you can put your feelings out there right then and there (if he talks about it). You at no time need to take the blame for his A. You at no time need to take the bad behavior toward you.
Kind of like dealing with a very large two year old, ya know?
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Had a bad day at MC yesterday. I was there by myself and she told me that H had done a lot of thinking and he is done. I have been a wreck since we got back from the soccer trip.
He has said he thought he was done before but this time I feel like he really is. I don't feel like he has given us a chance since he is getting better.
He said he tried saving our marriage years ago and I didn't. I did but I see now that it was not the right way. I shouldn't have been so stubborn and waited for him to meet me in the middle.
Had a talk with D21 yesterday which helped me a lot. I didn't want h to tell the kids but he did tell the older 2 but without me. I told her that I still loved h and I still wanted to work on the m. I told D19 the same thing. D21 has met OW and told me she does not like her and no one does. D21 even said that h called her "psycho" once. I don't get it.
So here I am AJ. I guess he has not picked me. I have left him alone because that is what the mc said to do. I really feel like he has made alot of progress with his mlc but it looks like we won't be together at the end of it.
I had been doing so good GAL then when the A was in the open and he was spending more time at home I slipped. Now with D looming I'm a mess again and crying alot.
So instead of 2 steps back I feel like it has been 20.
M 48 H 50 M 25 T 27 D 20,18,15 6/11 H filed 3/12 H dropped 4/12 H moved out
