Just wanted to throw this out there and see the responses.
What is the chance she's just playing games with me? Every response or comment ends with "isnt this what you want. A wife that just sits home and does nothing"
WTH? I'd been asking for weeks/months to go out, dancing, lunch, dinner, and out of nowhere I start getting this comment the last 2 weeks. Then just goes and watches tv and wont really talk at all. I found out today she's been eating very late lunches at work so she doesnt have to eat dinner with kids and I. But now that im not sure shes depressed, she doesnt have a problem texting half the night. It seems more like a game shes playing with me tonget me to move out. Opinions?
My opinion is you;re too much in her head.
About the "kind of wife you want" remark..did you complain when she went out previously, did things without you, didn't always do the "wife" stuff around the house? How much were you present in the day-to-day stuff around the house?
But the simple answer is, get out of her head and into your own. Mind-reading is seldom helpful.
Continue to make the changes in you that you know you need to make. Don't look to her for signals of what you should be doing at this stage of the process.
Walk you path.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I've told her that I need more in a marriage than my spouse sitting on the couch watching tv and nothing else. Lately, anyways per Chuck, because my wife's LL is quality time, I've been doing more family type stuff than just my usual GAL stuff, but made sure to welcome her along if she would like to go. Each time I've gotten some comment along the line of "No i'd rather just sit here so you know where I am, this is what you want right, control over me" WHA????? I've gotten serveral new versions of this for the last week, at first I thought is was her depression, but now I know she's trying to make me feel guilty.
I know she's being coached along by a friend that's been trying to break us up. He's a much younger gay guy that wants to continue getting her out of the house.
On to the lies, I've recently found out she's been applying for jobs in her home town, 4-5 hours away. I asked about it and she told me she was just reading the qualifications, but in fact she applied for 4-5 of the jobs.
My brother who doesn't really know the whole story of whats going on, but knows something isn't right googled her name, and she has opened several other social media accts with her maiden name. And, no mention of being married I guess.
She's done some laundry lately, but intentionally leaves my stuff in the hamper, washing only her's and the kids' clothes. I've been dong 50% of the laundry, but I do whats there, if its dirty I wash it.
Last night while I was at IC (around 5), I texted my wife that I could pick up some dinner on the way home. She texted me back that she was gonna cook dinner soon. I said ok, ty. By the time I got home, around 7ish, no dinner was started and she wasn't even home or had come home yet from work.
These are all things that don't follow along the line of depression, these are clear/thought out actions.
Per Chuck, and the tweaked DB strat, im supposed to be more involved, listen, validate, but not push. I haven't brought up the R/M but tried to just ease into the casual stuff. How was your day etc etc, and see where that takes me. Now its just short evasive answers. And ive been ok with that too.
I've been plenty detached lately, since I started DB'n 3-4 weeks ago. I made the mistake of letting myself get sucked in after she made some comments about "us" that I probably took too positive. She missed me, couldn't wait to go to MC, wanted to get herself checked by her DR. as she might be out of whack a little (her words). That's now changed to NO MORE counseling for her, she wants to just sit and be what everyone else wants her to be, not what she wants. I told her go out, with friends, alone, with the kids, no one is telling you to stay here.
Last night I asked her if she had any plans for the weekend, did she have to work? I get the "im just gonna sit home and stay where u can see me guilt trip again", which I really don't understand as I've been telling her for years to go out with friends, I like it when u get home and we tend to miss each other more. So im really confused with this new form of responses. Anyways I figured ok, the more engaging stuff isn't working, chuck said change what seems to be not working. So im gonna try a little limited contact now, short but responsive. I will also just get back to my GAL stuff.
I'm quite confused about the things she has been telling you. She feels you are controlling her and not wanting her to leave the house. She thinks you would rather her stay at home where you know where she is. I would tell her in a non-confrontational (and brief) way that you are totally fine with her going out and having time for herself, with her friends, and also having some quality time with you. Tell her that you are not sure where she is getting that idea, but that it simply isn't true. I wouldn't go into it much more than that though, as she may try to drag you into an argument. Truth is, she would probably start feeling a lot better if she did get out of the house and start doing more things.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I agree about her getting out of the house, I dont care who its with. I also dont understand the comments as thats never been an issue before?
I'd asked in the past to get out, even for a walk. She just gets angry and throws out the guilt trip comments, so I stopped. Im just so puzzled at the new phase of comments.
It sounds like she is definitely lashing out at something you have said.....or somebody has inplanted the idea that's what you want her to do.
If you are in house separation, why would she care what you want from her? She was not doing those things that mothers usually do for their kids...when you were living in separated houses. So, she is blaming you for her not feeling like doing anything?
Well, I think it may be more than depression. Something led her to feel this way. I think it may stem back to that C who said she couldn't see you b/c it would be a conflict of interest. I have never heard of that with counselors. Something smells fishy there. Didn't things get much worse afterwards?
If it was not something going on from the C, it could well be somebody else's bad influence on her. Could be almost anyone, even someone you don't know.
It could be her hormones, if she mentioned she would go see a doctor. But something changed her mind. It doesn't mean she's getting ready for menopause, necessarily, but her hormones may need some help. I don't anything that can affect female the way messed up hormones does.
The other thought I have, based on the timing of event you have given, she may have gotten emotionally involved with another person. That would answer her wanting you out and her not being there for the kids. Then if the EA ended, it would account for her angry depression. Also would make sense of why she's was lying.
I'm not trying to plant any one particular idea in your mind, but since you have told us what she's been saying, I do think it's more than just "sad" depression. She wants to blame you for her decision to do nothing.
I think you should tell your son that she is depressed and it's not him. The "staying out of their R" is directed more about other things. Like if she was wayward and the kids weren't doing what she told them, etc. If she was wanting to D b/c there was OM and she was telling kids that both of you wanting a D? Then you would not step in to try to repair the damage in her R with the kids. She would need to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I cant lie, I thought there might be an EA going on a couple of months back. But could never prove anything so I let it go instead of eat me up.
Today I asked her why she feels the need to attack me in such a way. Her response was of course "I don't know". I don't know how to come at this now. It feels like a completely different game than the one Chuck and I discussed over a week ago. This feels like she's doing what she can to push me out of house, or get me to do it since she cant force me out. I know the regular DB strat is to just keep DB'n. The tweaked version is obviously not working now, but im lost as what to do, or how to tweak this.
I sooo wish I had somewhere to go right now honestly. This new set of attacks has really done a number on me.
I am also living in an in-house seperation. My W likes to make sarcatic comments that frame her as the victim. It is a miserable way to live. Whatever the outcome, I keep thinking "This too shall pass". Unfortunately, the reality that this will take years to work through is finally hitting me.
Personally, I expect it will take 3-5 years to work through this issue. This time frame will be required wether we get divorced and I have to rebuild my life with another woman, or we reconcile and have to work through the damage this process created in our relationship.
5 months - you are just getting started. I just read a book called "How to act right when your spouse acts wrong". I highly recommend it.
Thumpered, your W doesn't have to say a thing and you've almost talked yourself into D.
Do you see than your mind is like an out of control freight train? And everything you are worried about is based on feelings. You can't make rational decisions based on your emotions.
Figure out who you want to be and start working toward that. It takes no interaction with her to make that happen.
Detach, detach, detach.
About the C question, Cs often will not see a married couple separately if they have seen them for MC. Some won't see either individually if they've seen them as a couple. I wouldn't read much into that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
