B, I can really relate to where you are right now. As hard as it is you must focus on yourself and the boys. The vets say this in every situation and for good reason. It's so hard. I know. I understand the need to figure out what happened and that's good to a point. Do think about the complaints your H has had. Think about those that are true and disregard the rest. If changing some things will make you a better person, not in your H's eyes, but for you, then look at those things.
Truly spend time thinking about who you want to be and take steps toward being that person. This will become more than a distraction. It will be your mission. I found it helpful to make a vision board that focused on who I really am, who I want to become, how I want to live my life, how I want to spend time with the boys, etc. I look at my board daily and it keeps me focused on what is really important to me. A deep, loving connection is represented, but in the generic sense.
Once we became moms, our children became our focus, for good reason. Take time now to focus on you as a woman. I highly recommend a blog and book by Cynthia Occelli to help you. She's a wonderful example of a woman who truly loves and respects herself. She started her journey (and her life) under very difficult circumstances so I think you'll be able to relate to her.
As far as the OW and your H, they are playing out a fantasy. Keep in mind that no self respecting woman would have an affair with a married man and settle for the crumbs he gives her. There was no courtship with them. This was just a forbidden relationship and the secrecy and drama fuels the intensity. That's not love. Really, who wants that? Like snodderly and others say, let it die a natural death. Don't think that she is in any way better than you just because, for the moment, your H has chosen her over you.
Your H's need for the boys' to respect OW is fear-based. He needs them to buy into and accept his choices. He doesn't have control over the situation and the boys' lack of acceptance underscores that. They are not going along with the fantasy and that triggers fear which is expressed as anger. At least, that's the way I see it.
As the rose-colored glasses come off you may start seeing what others have. Maybe you've always accepted your H's behavior and flaws and chose to love him anyway. Maybe boundaries needed to be set, but out of fear you didn't set them. I know I was in denial in my marriage and living unconsciously. From the outside it seemed we were a very close family and did a lot together, but inside I was crying, yearning for something my H wasn't capable of giving - real intimacy. I also had to face that his gambling is a major addiction, not something he is good at and treats like a second job. That's what he wanted me to believe, but that's not the truth. So, I came to this board with the delusion that out of nowhere my H walked away from a wonderful marriage, and in some ways it was, but over time I've had to admit that it was seriously lacking and I was suffering.
As for your nieces's advice regarding dating, don't do it. Like the vets say, you've been given the gift of time. Work on yourself, enjoy your own company, spend time with your kids, other family and friends. Take very good care of yourself right now. You are still cycling and will for a while.
B, take it a day at a time. Real healing is a slow process. Try to pinpoint your trigger points and have a plan for dealing with them so you don't backslide. Work on moving forward. Someone once suggested that I think of myself in a cocoon. Eventually a beautiful butterfly will emerge. It's been a very good visual for me.
