Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

Good morning everyone!

I did a lot of reflection yesterday. A lot of things have been crossing my mind lately. I don't know what to do anymore it seems.

I am really tired of hearing about things H is doing or saying and such. A lot of this information is stuff that is brought to me...no digging or snooping for quite some time on my part. Every time something comes up I get myself all in a tizzy. All my emotions come out. It is then I seem to dwell in it. I hate this, but when this stuff is directly related to me, what am I supposed to do. My one friend who I tell all to is getting sick of hearing about how I feel about everything, I don't blame them, I am sick of it too.

How do you get a life outside of this when this is part of my life too? And for me, a part of my life that will never go away. Ugh!

I am not sure how I feel about standing today. The more that comes out about H, the less sure I am about standing. Why can't Channing Tatum come and rescue me???

So for every positive with H, there seems to be three negatives that come about. That is a tough pickle to be in...h is really doing a lot of things hoping for a reaction out of me these days. I haven't given him any. Why is negative attention to an MLC'er better than no attention? I know my H said I didn't pay him attention during the marriage, so by not reacting to him I wonder if his justifications are getting better and better for him.

I recently found out that some of his family members have crossed paths with him and OW out together. They have very pointedly asked what is going on with me to him, in front of OW it seems. He gave them same reasons that I have heard this whole time....I didn't show him enough affection, I didn't tell him good night, I didn't cook for him. The cooking one is new, I think, and so not true.... Funny is that he never tells anyone that he cheated. He is still trying to play it as if he met OW after he left me. Some of them know better, and are making sure everyone else knows it too!

So it seems OW is going to have to fawn all over him, all the time. I wonder how long she is going to be able to do that?

What I am learning is that h does have a romanticized version of what a relationship is...that is what he wants right now, and it is a shame my deep rooted, unconditional love for him wasn't enough. I don't think H will ever let that dream go.

I don't really have any major points to write today...I guess I am just in a zone of the more I back off, let go, detach, the more negative everything seems to get. In the short term it doesn't really bother me, I am just wondering what this is doing for the long term.

So my niece thinks I should start dating. She had a whole lot of negative things to say about H. In fact, a lot of people that know what's going on have had a lot of negative things to say. The weird thing is, these negative things are not necessarily about the current events, but about h overall and our marriage overall. My niece had said H was always cocky, and she always felt that he started arguments with me and blamed a lot of things on me before all this started. I told her I never saw that and she said, "well you were blinded by love". My s14 said the same thing about H always starting the disagreements we had, and my other family has pointed out that H has always had to be right and justified in what he was doing no matter who he hurt and blamed me for a lot of things that were not true or spun somewhat to make me look like the bad guy. I never saw any of this until now. Where was I the past fifteen years?

All this made me wonder if H had been faking who he was all this time...and maybe the H in the present is his true self....this would go in line with a comment H's mom made about he seems to back to himself.

So clearly everyone thinks he needs help, but I keep telling everyone they should just back off and leave him to get on with his life the way he wants. None of them agree and tell me I could do sooo much better. And these are my in laws. Hopefully time heals those wounds for them...after all that is thier blood.