How is she able to contact him? Smartphone? Can you give her a new phone number?mchange her email addresses? Help your wife to stay away from this clown.
Will she be tempted and miss him? Yes. She will have to get through three to four tough months. Then it subsides. She needs to understand this. It will pass and her thinking will clear up. During that time you should be meeting each others needs like crazy.
What needs of hers does this guy meet? I'm guessing conversation, admiration and affection (promising he'll be there for her). What are you doing to compete with him there and meet those needs for her?
Right now, you are meeting her needs for financial support, raising your children, putting a roof over her head. Essentially, you handle all of her practical needs, he handles all of the emotional ones. If you were out of the picture, could he handle her financial, family and other life needs? My guess would be no, and your wife knows that. That's why she's having her cake and eating it too. She got you both where she wants you.
Is she confused? Sure. You can't live a fake life like this and not have it eat you alive. Here's her choice- the one that swims through her head: give up all of my stability and my family (kids) for a husband I know I'll never love, or be with the man I love and hope he turns out to be the guy he says he is, and lose everything I have in the process. That's it.
What you wife does not believe is that she will love you again. She thinks love is like some kind of voodoo magic, and it's either there or it's not. Most people believe that. It's simply not true. Your wife fell for this guy (not talking about initial attraction, but love) because of the care he showed her. It became irresistable. She felt wanted and important. He was meeting her most important needs and she fell for him. You, on the other hand, had stopped showing that level of care and affection (most married couples do). You got bogged down in the day to day routine and left your love to tend itself. this caused her "in love" feelings for you to go away. if she could stay away from this guy for the rest of her life, and you were to give her all of the conversation, admiration and affection that she desires, she WILL FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH YOU!
My thought is this. You've given it two years. Since right now she in no contact, give it your all one last time. Don't tell her you are giving it one last shot, that will seem like controlling and manipulative behavior to her. Just attempt to give her everything she seems to want in a partner. She will probably resist your efforts- don't argue, just continue. If she argues with you, great! That means she sees a ray of hope. Just validate no matter what she complains about. Change phone numbers, emails etc. do everything to get this guy away. Take a trip together, just to get away. It won't be romantic, but you can work on your friendship and meeting her needs. Best case- she comes around.
If, after you do all of this, she contacts this guy again- get an attorney and file. Tell her family why you are devorcing their daughter- the truth (otherwise your wife may make up lies about you). I would not discuss with yours as I would not want ill feelings in the future, but thats your choice. Do not warn her, that will seem controlling. Just man up and do it. This will shake things up and force a choice. Once filed, no contact with your wife. Set up a friend or family member to serve as your intermediary and have no contact at all. Your wife will immediately reach out for the OM and guess who won't be there for her? Yup. He'll try being verbally supportive, but that's where it will end. He'll look like the scum that he is. Your wife will miss what you provided- a real life. I think she will try to keep her upper hand and wait you out, but will eventually beg to come back. That's when you can finally talk to her and tell her that she can come back, but you have conditions (another long topic). Then go back to meeting each others needs, and watch love return.
That's just my advice, I invite others to weigh in. Sitting indefinitely waiting, while paying your wife's bills and allowing her to hurt you by having this EA isn't what you want. Now, after two years, it's time to call the ball.
