Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

Just received an interesting text from W this morning that i haven't responded to yet. I am looking for advice on how to proceed so i don't screw up.

I mentioned in my previous post about W trying to get into an argument with me last night but i avoided it as much as possible. So here is how wifes text read:

Good morning, I can stay at my moms on friday night as long as i can stay at the house on saturday night. I think you should pick the boys up on friday. S4 does a countdown to when he gets to see you and i really do think they need to see you as much as possible. They do miss you. Let me know what you think.

Next text sent 2 minutes later:

And i am sorry for raising my voice last night. I am so stressed out with the house and work but i should not take that out on you. So sorry.

The significance of this to me is i can count on one hand since we have met the number of times she has admitted she was wrong and actually apologized.

Our house was in constant disarray throughout our 9 years of marriage due to remodeling the entire lower level a room at a time as we saved up money and it was a cause of major stress for my W and I. More so for her. I got burned out with it all as well with trying to work 50 to 55 hours a week and then come home and remodel as well.

I know my response will not save me from a divorce, but i also don't want to mess things up any worse.

I am thinking about this for a response:

W, I am sorry to hear about all the stress you are going through. I understand that these things are causing you to fret and i just want to let you know that even though we are getting divorced that if you need to talk, i will be here to listen to whatever you have to say without judging you or your life. I will always care deeply for you and if you need someone to talk to, you can always count on me for that reason. It is one of the things i regret, not having been there for you in the past but i have to move forward with my life and become the best person i can be for me.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice? Sure could use some.

[shouldistillhope]

I would also like to ask her at some point if she would be willing to take the kids to the park together after our D is final as friends only and just talk about out sitch and what went wrong/what some of the causes were.

Is this a bad idea? I feel maybe we can get some of these things off our chest if we don't feel any pressure because of the impending D.

It might help her open up and it would help me listen to her feelings and validate.

Anyone?

[adinva]

I would think that your message would be better focused around hearing and appreciating her than about taking the opportunity to promote your cause with a lot of words about what you want her to think and feel about you. I would have said to the apology text:

Thanks, I understand, and I really appreciate your saying that.

That's it. All the rest seems geared toward telling her something that it will only take time for you to show her. Don't be impatient. You can't request or suggest opportunities to be there for her as a 180, that doesn't work. Show, don't tell. That's what really comes across as genuine change; words are cheap.

[shouldistillhope]

Thank you so much adinva,

I texted her the exact words you typed above and nothing else. Regarding sending her a text about meeting up together with the boys after our D is final do you feel the same about that as well? Or should i wait or not send a text like that at all?

I appreciate your advice.

[amy1982]

O my, what would we do w/o this forum where we can get direction,,even on something like what to text!!!!
Adinva, could you kindly stop by my sitch..Its tough, getting tougher & give me advice? Thanx
Good luck 2 to u, SISH

[shouldistillhope]

Thanks 1982 for stopping by. things will get better for you as long as your willing to do the hard work and have PATIENCE.

Another Stander, if you happen to read this, or anyone else that has experience in the WAW experience, you mentioned not to reach out to W. That the LBS will know when its time because she will reach out to him. In everyone's experience, do you guys find that if they see true change that at some point they truly do start to get curious and reach out? I have been getting my emotions in check lately and have begun to feel alot better about myself now most of the time, but i still deeply love my W and was just curious about the WAW reaching out at some point, GAL aside.

[shouldistillhope]

Went to meet with my friend last night who is also a pastor. I think opening up to him about how i feel and the walls i seem to be constantly running myself into during this self reflection period has opened my eyes a bit.

It seems ike a lot of advice people give whether it's friends, pastor, counselor's or even vets who post on this board have similarities, yet are vastly different on how to handle the scope of this situation.

The common points from everyone, no matter who, seems to be to get myself to a point of reflection and become a better man. I get that. It sounds easy, but i have to dig deep to see if i truly have the fortitude to change the things my W has said were the toxic causes of our M.

So lets say i make these changes and she sees them and says she wants to start working things out, or start dating again. At what point does she figure out that she also needs to admit and make an effort to change the things in our marriage that were on her end as well? It's like my pastor said last night, the drinking alone did not cause this to happen. It truly takes two to tango.

It was nice to hear that i didn't have to shoulder all the blame myself even though i had been taking it all upon myself to be the bigger person in this mess.

I realize i will make changes to make myself a better person, but are all of us truly making these changes for ourselves? or are we looking deep in our hearts and feeling true about the fact that in some small way, we are doing this to win our W or H back.

It is a never ending see saw of emotions and self discovery that no one but us can answer.

I asked my pastor friend last night why God answered my prayers 12 years ago when my wife and i started dating only to seemingly take it all away in the blink of an eye without so much as a warning, even though i now see the signs of a M that had been crumbling years ago and i can look inside myself and see the role i have played in that failure.

He looked me in the eye and said "Maybe it is a wake up call" and then asked what my relationship was with God.

It sure feels like alot of us turn to God when things go horribly wrong and can't figure out why he isn't making things better.

For what it's worth, i now believe deep down in my heart, and i have this feeling inside from somewhere that at some point my W and i will be back together as long as i become the man she fell in love with. Where i am at in life when or if that time comes, who knows. There is a lot of advice and people here telling us all what doesn't work and that is helpful, but unless someone actually knows our WAS personally, it is very hard to tell someone what WORKS. You have to figure that out sometimes by yourself and live with the victories and defeats from the choices you have made.

I also am fairly positive that when the time comes (if it does) that i will have to be the one to make that effort. My W is a very independant, strong willed woman and she is too proud to ever tell me she made a mistake and we should try to work things out. It sounds like mind reading, but i know better than anyone other than God what her personalities and boundries are like.

I want to wish everyone luck. I wish you all the peace you need to make this journey we all are traveling. I hope you can all find patience that seems to be ever so important in this difficult time. It is up to us and only us on which advice to follow and your decisions and instincts will be guided by God if you choose to follow them.

There are many smart people here helping us to NOT make mistakes, but when it comes to doing what is right after you make changes for yourself can only come from your own heart. There are no experts on how to save your marriage or get back together with an ex W or H, only advice from people who have gone through this same exact thing.

I will continue to follow some of your sitch's as i go along in life as much as i can, it just feels like all of us are competing to see who can get their thread to the top of the board the quickest so they can get answers they need, but i seem to have realized through some self reflection that this has not been teaching me any patience at all.

May God bless you all and if your sitch is new, have faith. It still hurts everyday, but you can get through this, even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you all find peace in whatever you are looking for.

Thanks everyone.

[lovethehub]

Should I,

Well said in a lot of ways. It is too hard to copy and reply to different things you said on my phone.

When you said you believe in your heart your will reconcile, I think that is awesome and you SHOULD trust it!

As for the "mind reading" about having to be the one to make the effort, I have a spouse like that. We have been somewhat R for a month or so and in any talks we have had he still only mentions what I did. I did say the other day "we both have to make changes or this won't work" but Inknow what you mean.

You sound like you are in a good spot mentally and emotionally at the moment, good for you.

Don't quit DBing though, you will learn a lot here. Take what you need, think about the rest. You will also be able to offer advice to others as you move through the process

[shouldistillhope]

Hey all,

Just wondering if any of you have also read 'the magic of making up' by T.W. Jackson along with DR. Any thoughts or reviews if you have?

I was thinking of ordering it and am curious if it is worth the money or if it just points out what DR already has to offer?

Thanks.

[Fartiltre]

Hi SIS

DON'T!!

Early on in my sitch I went through a lot of reading so do trust me on this one! It's purely marketing to get your money - nothing new in it!
Try David Cunningham instead if you haven't been through his material. Google him or search him in here!

F