Moving forward together from a mess

[AnotherStander]

Yesterday I started having a lot of anxiety about all of this stuff. Am I really doing the right thing? Can this really work? Can I really trust her again? Will she ever change?

All normal thoughts to have when you start piecing. We always talk about WAS's being in a fog, but what we don't talk about much is the LBS is often in a fog as well. It's a really strange thing, but both parties go from the middle to polar extremes at BD. The WAS remembers nothing but bad things in the M, the LBS remembers nothing but good. If and when they get to piecing, the LBS starts to come out of the fog and remember that gee, the M may not have been so perfect after all, and oh yeah, that WAS still has a TON of baggage to deal with. The LBS has spent months or even years working on their crap and getting it together while the WAS has basically done no work at all. This is why a lot of the old timers here say that when piecing starts, THAT is when the really tough work begins.

Does she make me a better person?

That's a very codependent statement. What makes you a good person is you, not anyone else. You can't look to your W to make you "better". Sure a good spouse can make life pleasant and a bad spouse can make life miserable, but just keep in mind that even if you reconcile, you must still hang onto the new, improved, independent, strong, positive person that DB'ing has helped you become. That is what is drawing your W back, and that is a life change that you want to make permanent.

[MrBond]

Think back to when you and your W were first dating. You WANTED to do things for each other to make the other happy. Both of you CAN get back into that mindset. Once you do, you'll find that the feelings will come back stronger than ever.

[cbtdad]

Mr Bond this exactly how I am approaching it. It seems like the more Im trying to make her happy the stronger my feelings grow towards her. I am having to have some real patience right now though. Becuase W isn't exactly doing the same things right now. MC told us yesterday how bad the timing is for this. She said normally couples going through this have a couple months in between another person and the decided to work on things. She said it doesn't make it wrong, but we need to realize it and understand the dynamics at play. She said after talking to W individually that W started havin doubts about divorce a few months ago, but started having real feeling for OM. Well now W is grieving over OM which means I don't have her whole heart in this yet. She said that's were the timing is tough becuase I am all in and at a different level than W.
it seems like we only do things W wants to do. I'm trying to understand and have patience with all of it.
AS, described perfectly above when he said LBS starts thinking wait a second everything wasnt so great
I couldn't agree more about the real work beginning now

[MrBond]

"it seems like we only do things W wants to do."

Why?

Has she actually committed to working on the M?

[cbtdad]

I don't know why it seems that way. But it seems at her pace. We haven't had sex or even slept in same bed together. I think it might seem that way because I am going to her more.
Yes, W has committed. Even MC told me yesterday before wife got there that I didn't need to worry about that. That this is what W wants, but its going to take a little time to get through feelings of OM.
I never even thought about havin to deal with that aspect through all of this.
Watching her get over another guy is so incredibly hard.

[MrBond]

Then you need to get her mind off of that. You don't need to handle her with kid gloves. What was it about the OM that she liked? Maybe you can adapt a little of those behaviors. What did she like about you when the two of you first dated? Try doing that as well.

[cbtdad]

She liked words of OM. He was a knight and shining armour and would build her up with his words after I was terrible to her for a year. I left her so vulnerable.
She liked the way he dressed. Which he dresses just like me. Lol
It was mostly about timing and the fact that him and his whole family are big time in the horse world. He owns a company that puts on horse shows that she would ride at.
Luckily she found out how big of a fraud all the words were though.
He was saying all the things he said to her to 4 other girls at the same time.

[cbtdad]

MC advised no talk about OM and not to pressure too fast to sex other things

[MrBond]

I didn't say that you needed to talk about the OM. I'm just asking if you knew of any traits that the OM had that your W liked or thought she missed in you.

[cbtdad]

Those are the only things I really know about him. Don't really want to know too much more:)
I could find out in a couple of weeks though. A couple that she met through this guy is coming to spend a couple nights in town near us. She has become good fiends with this girl. This girl has even emailed me and said she knows it is awkward how they met, but my W and her became good friends and she is looking forward to meeting me. That should be interesting for sure