25 - I did mean to type "have not", sorry. Wasn't trying to deliberately flood with details. Just tried to reply in the same manner that I would if nothing was wrong. As casually as possible. I mentioned some time ago that short answers from me can come off as kind of terse or angry/rude to her. I didn't want to convey that.
I am responsible for his childcare costs on my custody days. One could argue since she has him while I am at work on my custody days that he is in HER custody and therefore she must absorb the cost - but I am not sure that it works that way. Hence, I have always just paid for my days. She wanted to split it in half, but that for SURE is not part of the agreement.
No meaning in the "!!" other than levity one associates with friendly emphasis
I wasn't assuming that she wanted to be included in 4th plans. Rather, I just wanted her to understand that I wasn't stating that I wanted him just because SHE wanted him. I actually had/have real intent. I have missed the last 2 4ths with him....and I always miss him. I don't want to do that again this year.
Her pitch for the 4th was basically "We (she and S) don't get many invites to travel/visit. It's hard to keep him engaged/entertained when it is so hot outside (she wanted to take him to NorCal to see a friend) so please think it over".
I hear you loud and clear, 25. And even though it is difficult I intend to hold my ground on more matters. As history would have it, this ends up in her getting angry and/or proclaiming that "everything has to be my way". It hurts on so many levels to deal with that. Specifically, I don't like letting her down in general - but especially when it promotes her getting angry and moving further away because I am a "jerk". She'll probably say my changes aren't real or something.
I know standing my ground will probably anger her if it means she doesn't get things the way she would want them. That anger will probably be channeled at me and not viewed as a consequence of her own decisions.
I told my friend the other day that there are days when I want to tell her that there are two different sets of rules. One set exists when we are together or WORKING towards being together in some fashion. THAT set of rules has a lot more flexibility and I am willing to be much more self-sacrificing and compromising. The other set of rules is in place when we are no longer a team, no l longer a family, no longer working on rebuilding. THAT set of rules establishes me and S as one household and team and her and S as a totally separate household and team. It changed the dynamic completely. I have been using set 1 forever now - regardless of what we are doing. It can't keep going that way. Is that a bad way to view things? Is it selfish? It is oppositional??
I really don't know if there is a way for me to fully detach in a loving way that would not be read as anger. Or a way to hold my ground that isn't read the same way.
I don't know if she can or knows HOW to swim, 25. No one ever taught her.
