Crimson.....Holy smokes, I'm piecing,

[25yearsmlc]

Thank you, 25. I'm trying to internalize all of that though it is difficult through the haze of rejection. Funny you should mention texting. I was sitting in my office and the following popped up:

Her: I have heard from you regarding parenting schedule this weekend

just for me to be clear, you mean she said "have NOT heard"...???


Me: Hey! I need to kick off some house projects this weekend so just bring him by st the regular time on Sunday. Hope you guys are having fun ! I miss him so much!!

Her: And re: 4th of July?

Me: I'm going to keep him. I want to cook out in the back yard with him and go watch fireworks later. I've never been able to do that with him. I want to start focusing on experiences with him and I haven't done that much - it's my own fault.

Lots of details here, that she does not need...and if you have had him all the other times, why is this "never been able to" statement made?

Hey, I don't want to quibble. Just would like SOME mystery from you now and then...or ever

Her (recieved before she got the reply ^^^^ above): I also have to work all of next week. I'll assume we will split the cost of the baby sitter unless you have a better option.

is this what the Div agreement called for?

Me: No problem on the baby sitter, I'll pay for Mon/Tue (my custody days, FYI) just let me know how much. Sorry you have to have your summer interrupted with work!!

Okay, small note but I'm curious about the meaning behind it. What is with the "!!!" all over the place? I know, I know, I taught English Comp years ago. But I promise, it's not the grammar I care about here. It's the intent behind it.

You're so darn earnest. Crimson, she chose that job. No one held a gun to her head. And She could be a Sahm if she were still married....oops.

I guess your point is that you assume (reasonably, I bet) that she wanted to be included. And you're not doing that. I agree that you should not.

But giving her details of HOW you two will just be alone all day (maybe I read it wrong) almost sounds intentionally exclusionary (and not that fun).

Remember, This is supposed to be about you GAL, moving on into your new HAPPY life having fun with your son.

AND BECAUSE, as you understand her, She does not "feel" like a wife or girlfriend "should feel"...so why would she be invited?

You are not punishing her. You are protecting yourself. There's a huge difference.

You just don't want to play house anymore, b/c it hurts too much when you remember that it's not real. You are allowed to seek out the real thing. And you ought to.

And that was it. No reply on my decision to keep him on the 4th and not let her have him for the 3rd year in a row. No reply to helping with baby sitting expense.

It was not clear to me what you were offering. And or, what the div agreement says. Can you elaborate?

I know her pretty well. And I am fairly certain she is a little miffed I did let her have the 4th. Just a guess, though. But she did make a pretty solid pitch for it a few days ago and I usually give her what she wants in the name of trying to keep relations good.

Crimson

giving into her got you somewhere...and then you stalled out. So what worked, some, before, is not helping you "close the deal." You don't owe her those days...

Then again. I don't know what her "pitch" was. But I know she has taken him out of state, without you, again, for several days. Have you ever done that with him and without her?

Crimson, you've done your part and more. Don't be silent if she protests. Calmly speak your views.

I get why you don't want to be THE messenger of how selective her memory is or how self serving her views are. But it's also weird to ignore it too.

You can warmly detach and still stop leaving so much unsaid when it comes to her opinion or victimhood arguments.

*Speak up for yourself in a way that is almost sedated sounding, which I suggest b/c she thinks you two are 'fighting" when YOU think you are merely discussing.

I used to imagine taking a real "chilll pill" before discussing touchy topics with h, b/c back then any change in my tone or volume , to HIM,

was me screaming like a banshee. I wish I had taped us. So weird to hear him say "stop screaming" when I'd be talking in a normal voice. Not a "courtroom voice" but a normal speaking tone....or he'd say I was "being sarcastic" when I KNOW I was not. (I sure can be. But he heard what he heard...) So I adjusted my volume and tone so it was almost like I'd taken meds for it.

Yes I still see hope for you and your xw. But I admit I see less of it.

I believe your best chance is NOT by you just going along...

I know you fear that your withdrawal will push her away. In fact,

You fear that your partial withdrawal will CAUSE her to not feel loving or stop developing loving feelings for you...but your present course of action has not closed the deal.

AND moreover,

I think that you detaching in a way that cannot be seen as "anger based" but protective and healthy, will most likely do the opposite.

Finally she'll be seeing you as the world sees you, ( a great catch) and fearing the loss of you, might well uncover some jealousy - and hopefully awaken her. If it does not,

IF it reveals that she does not have what it takes to be your w again, that is not a "cause" of her lack of emotional connection,

it's just something your detachment revealed faster. It's best to find out now, before another child is brought into this world and your heart is ripped open again. AND Crimson,

If it does not lead to her return, in full, I don't think anything would. So Better to know now.

Detach lovingly...swim to the other shore and stop looking back over your shoulder to where you think she was/is...b/c it stalls YOU in the water, and makes you tread water, now & then, going under .

Once you get to the other shore, you can begin your new, freer life and discover another way of living. A way NOT attached to her feelings du jours.

And imo, there will be a day when you find a love that is fulfilling...that you deserve.

AND IF IT IS WITH YOUR X W,

it'll be b/c she swims to you.

B/C we all know that she knows how to reach you, if she just gets in the water and starts moving...she'll get to the other shore. So Stop waiting for her, in the water, splashing and telling her "it's warm"...Just Get yourself to the other side on your own and let her wonder what YOU found there.

A warm detachment from her will not cause problems. It just might reveal them. Make sense?