Wow! Thank you both for your incredible in depth posts! You both say exactly what is in my head that I find difficult to express - I feel exactly the way you describe. I've been plodding along for all these months, pretending it's getting better I suppose, I don't really know. I think I know there's no way back anymore - not back to before it all happened - I already knew that was impossible - but now I feel there is no way back to actually loving him. It is almost 2 years to the day and I'm sitting crying, on my own after yet another argument about it and us both kind of agreeing it would be better to go our separate ways now. In one breath he says he doesn't want to and in the next breath he says he just can't stand any more of this. I feel dead inside. There is just nothing. I read what everyone says on here about forgiveness etc and I just don't know how it is done. His actions have destroyed my life, forever. I know some will say to me, probably quite rightly, that I have destroyed my own life by not forgiving. Believe me, I would if I could. For 2 years I've pondered nothing else but how to do it - read about how to do it - asked people how to do it and still I cannot do it. I just wish I could start my whole life over again. I'm so grateful to all of you who have tried to help, you are all amazing, thank you.
