GM, I know from experience this view that 'nothing is wrong with them', as they wreck the lives of others, and hurt those around them.
I also know that counsellors are not easily fooled. My xh marched off with me to a counsellor, convinced that the therapist was going to confirm all he said. The therapist gently questioned my xh, who then left abruptly, and I didn't see him again for a long time. It would well be beneficial for your boys, and even your h. Just because you do not agree with what you believe are his reasons (and I am not questioning whether or not this is true although having dealt with a very difficult MLCer, can well believe this is exactly how it seems)doesn't make it a bad idea.
In fact I would agree with KD, their very certainty is suspect. They cannot entertain the idea that they could be wrong about anything, becaue so many MLCers create a false reality in which we, the family and the marriage are teh reasons why they are not happy.
Now, I don't know about you, but if I was in a situation where I wasn't happy (i.e. a relationship) I wouldnt go to another relationship.
If I felt my car was making me unhappy I would question whether I needed a car, not just sell it and get another, to put it simply. Nothing about MLC makes any sense to us, but it has to to them.
Bea, I agree with all your points. My concern is not about counseling, but what will happen when my H has to finally face how the boys feel and what their lives have been like since he left. He has no idea how devastated they've been. Every single time they've tried to tell him either in person or via email he immediately shuts them down and starts spewing about me. So, when he has to listen to the truth in order to move forward will he abandon the boys again? Will he no longer pay the hefty $175 an hour fee for the therapist he wants (x 2 kids per week) because he's not getting what he wants? I can't afford it so where will that leave the boys? After all, he told me he would pay for my attorney as long as I agreed to everything he wanted. So rather than give me the money that is rightfully mine so I could have legal representation in an action he started I've had to go into debt to finance my protection. That's how he operates. There's no doubt in my mind that he will do the same with the boys. If he cared about them he would have sought counseling for them a year and a half ago without strings attached. He's a manipulator and uses money to do it.
Yes, I can see the problem, and I do not know how divorce arrangement work where you are, but can you not voice your concerns to your lawyer - that you want a commitment to counselling for a certain period, because you feel it is in everyone'e best interest to continue with it. It doesn't seem like an unreasonable thing to do. It is always possible that your h will continue anyway, and it doesn't leave the boys high and dry if he walks out. Any reputable therapist will point out the damage to the children of walking out of therapy
The theory of divorce is that it puts the interests of the children first . . . . . although in most cases I feel that the parents not getting divorced in the first place would be best, but there is no reasoning with a MLCer and their concept of a loveless marriage.
For over a year I've been wondering what this journey was all about. Why is it so painful? When will I know I have grown and am better because of what I've experienced? Today it happened. I am not done with my journey by any means, but after watching a video I had the realization that I am one of the lucky ones and so is everyone here. That might sound crazy. After all, we and our families have suffered terribly. But through our pain we came here, allowed ourselves to be vulnerable as we told our stories, including how we failed our marriages. Because of that we connected. To understand how profoundly I was affected I highly recommend Brene Brown on YouTube. Watch The Power of Vulnerability first, then Listening to Shame. They are amazing. I see my H's struggle so much clearer. I also see myself before and after BD. I'll be curious to read other reactions.
I just had come across those 2 videos about 2 weeks ago. I must have watched them 10 times each. So amazing and so enlightening.
I too realized I now can relate to both those videos post BD. Pre BD I would have not related to them at all. For all the bad divorce has brought, it has brought me so much growth.
Me/W: 46/36 D7.6/S6 T/M: 7.5/6.5 Bomb 12/05/07 D final: 03/03/09
WP, I, too, have watched them multiple times along with a few other shorter ones that focused on shame. I knew my H was troubled before, but after learning more about shame I see him so clearly. I also understand more about the numbing affect of addiction. Both good and bad feelings are numbed. You can't be selective. Looking at MLCers and their addictions including OP it seems they experience highs, but that's not happiness. It also makes sense to me that because they are numb they no longer remember or feel the good things about the LBS, the marriage and sometimes their children. There are many of us here who have been exasperated by that, but it makes sense to me now, if I am applying the information correctly.
In my situation, the shame on my H's part and his subsequent addiction is at the crux of his crisis. Because I was such a pleaser and an enabler I kept our M together through my own lack of purpose and self worth. Yes, there were many good things about our M, mainly the boys, but this crisis was always brewing.
If my H were to do the hard work to figure himself out and we chose each other again I absolutely believe we would have a different, fulfilling and rewarding M. More than anything I would like to experience that and give that gift to the boys. However, that possibility is many years away, if ever, and I need to live my life now. I have already given away too many years by living unconsciously and holding out for someone who is harmful to me. I now have to find a way to keep me and the boys from being further hurt by my H who is at the opposite end of the healing spectrum.
So many of us have been hurt by the intense blame that our MLCers hurl at us over and over again. Here's a quote that helped me understand and de-personalize it: "Blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort." Brene Brown
I'm struggling with a very big decision. Since my H left I have tried very hard to provide stability and security for the boys. I quickly found a full-time job and have sacrificed to continue paying the mortgage. It's come at a cost. I don't have nearly as much time with the boys and I'm exhausted. It's hard enough being a single working mom, but the ongoing legal battle has left me depleted. I'm stressed and worried. My H has made things much more difficult than they need to be and I don't see that changing. I am seriously considering a very big move to another state. The cost of living is much lower and it would put the D to rest, finally.
There are so many pros and cons. I would be leaving friends and family, but I would be in the same neighborhood as my best friend and her family who have been a huge support to me. I would have a very low mortgage and I could be home with the boys until I chose to work again.
If I am forced to sell my house I will struggle where I am. Rent is very high and buying another home will be very difficult. It's a great time to sell here, but not a good time to buy.
One of the boys is very eager to move and the other is on the fence. It will be a big change for them, but I believe I can give them a much better life overall.
My H told the judge that he doesn't care where I live. He'll just see the boys when he can. He's so far removed from being a Dad. There's just no connection anymore. It's sad for the boys.
I'm done fighting for my house and everything else. I want the boys to be settled before school starts so I have a very small window. My new attorney will make one offer (I don't understand why that's taking so long) and that's it. I will consider reasonable changes, but I'm not spending thousands more on this D. It's just stupid and pointless. The boys and I deserve so much more than the uncertainty we've been living with.
Just reading up on your journey GM, im so sorry you've gone/going thru so much. I also find it completely crazy a parent is this oblivious to what there doing to the kids.
I know in my situation, I had one daughter not graduate this month, and a son that's straight A's fail 4 of his 6 classes. All this happened since the ILYB speech. The first thing my wife said is "don't even blame this on our marriage situation". My wife would vanish every weekend, i'd find out later paying for airfare and rental cars she was taking trips she wouldn't talk about. Needless to say she was never home, and the kids noticed, but they aren't fooled. That also doesn't mean they are/were dealing with it well.
I think some therapy for the kids is a great idea, but not for the reasons your husband is pushing for it.
