Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[jp787]

PM- Not that I have much experience in setting up boundaries but maybe if you list some of the ones that you are thinking off, the folks here can comment on it. Or are you asking people here to give your boundary ideas? Which I don’t think is what you are saying.

Part of it goes back to us and just touching in general. Back rubs, hugs, cuddling...those aren't things that "friends" do, but that we have always done (even when we were friends before we dated). It makes sense that those types of things should stop for the sole reason that we are divorced, but there is also the time in the future when one of us is involved with someone else and those types of things would have to stop then, creating an awkward/hurtful situation at that time.

And just to be clear, I never initiate contact. I haven't in a long time.

I think we should stop hanging out together. She has said over and over, through her words and her actions, that she needs her independence...to be "okay" on her own. BUT, she still reaches out to me. So she's not really handling her business and healing as she SAYS she wants to.

And I'm addicted to her, so I respond to her reaching out to me, so I'm not healing either in a sense of being able to move forward without her.

So space seems to solve each of our problems in that area.

I have been so focused on her for so long that I don't know what I "need" to do to heal. If someone were to ask me that, I would still answer "I want my wife and my family back."

I realize that isn't an answer that shows I've done any growing, but it's the truth. I just can't figure out how to let go.

So boundaries as in physical contact, but also time together. As my sister suggested, maybe make it pretty strict for the first month or two and then see where we both sit.

Let me be clear: I don't want to be friends. But I seem to be stuck in a place where my choices are:

1) Say goodbye and feel like I lose her forever
2) Keep doing what hasn't been working, but at least keeps her close enough to feed my addiction

Really, any help is appreciated. Specific or just thought provoking. I realize #2 isn't the right choice.

-PM

Wow PM, I am turning around to find you as you must be on the same boat as I. Maybe your on the one ahead of me with those who have worked more and found more of themselves.

Makes me wonder if it isn't our boats that are leaking, but if it is being on the water when we need to be on the land.