Up in the air, LONG

[Demoted26]

I have been lurking for about 6 months, reading & attempting to gather insight and apply it to my sitch (which I plan to fully share, this is gonna take time to write out). I am on a Tablet using Swype and have arthritis, so forgive me in advance for blatant errors!

I have a question for you all, and I'm reacting to what was said & am having a VERY hard time detaching & being objective.

when my husband &i separated last Oct. he gave me the ILYBNILWY speech, wanted to legally separate &"he couldn't see us together right now, but maybe someday", told me he wanted us to continue being "best friends", wanted me to"fight for him", but that he wanted "space & time to figure things out". On bad days, at first, when we argued he told me he hasn't loved me in 10 years (thats when he had aEA/PA with a coworker so that really stung), only still slept with me"because he could" (he appologized almost immediately for saying that, even in the heat of the argument), & that he just wanted to "enjoy what was left of his life". He was born with a bad heart & his doc (could kick her) once told him he'd probably only live to about 50 (as if he had an expiration date). Surprise!! He's in his late 40's& now this!!

At the same time he was hanging out with new friends who were divorced, in bad relationships, or ending relationships/divorcing. These people have become all powerful on his life. They (both a man & a woman) pretty much think & do no wrong. Anything I say had to be verified through them. Lately this seems to have relaxed a bit...but for awhile it was seriously annoying! I've met these people, fed them & shared holidays with them in my home before BD. They seemed friendly enough, but have since counseled my husband that "divorce us hard at first, but you'll get over it & so will everyone else". They both had young kids when they divorced & thought the kids were happier after..have told my husband he will be happier after too.
Anyway, in Oct-Feb we were friendly, but there was definite tension/uncomfortable vibes between us on weekends (we live together every weekend as he stays on friends&families couches weekdays 2 hours from home for work, unrelated to us..other than his BD coincided with his forced relo).

I was begging & pleading Oct.-Jan. To work it out, he shut me down hard each time. Since then I haven't mentioned our R, and only thing I've heard is he told our son (by text, sigh) on Feb.28 that he thought he had "pretty much decided he wanted to divorce, that we'd all be happier, and that he wanted to get an apartment with son". Son said he didn't see how we'd all be happier if he took that path, but the decision was his to make.

H hasn't told me this personally beyond an argument in late Feb. about me asking to try "for 3 months to reconnect on weekends" where he told me "i told you I was done on Jan. 3, I thought you got it". Only other R talk was our son relaying H apparent divorce decision conversation to me in early April. I said "i understand that" in a phone conversion with son that husband overheard. He's seemed fine leaving it at that.

So, after a few tense weekends things have slowly started becoming more friendly. We go do things together as a family when the kids are around, we do things the two of us when he comes back to our house on weekends. We go out to eat, comedy shows, flea markets, drives, etc. normal stuff we'd always do. We act as if we're still married & have continued to sleep together both literally & figuratively. The sex is good overall, we haven't argued over the usual daily crap since Oct. , and our R since Feb.
The arguing was a HUGE part of why he left...we'd been snappy & short with eachother for about 18 mos. (since his new friends became so powerful &i could suddenly do NOTHING right. I think he had an EA with the bisexual female who claimed to be on & out of a 9 year Gay relationship. They are since back together-ish & the EA seems to have cooled). I was also frivolous with money/spending...not huge amounts, but it bothered H & I blew it off because we were talking small amounts. Still, it broke trust & added to this situation.
Since H left I've done some 180s...lost 65 pounds sure to not being able to eat, present myself much more nicely since I only see him weekends, have dropped all R talk, am friendly & try to have PMA (I've been treated for depression & chronic pain , so that helps.. I had a couple of slips, not many, on bad pain/emotional days but I'm much, much improved...plus I'm a natural pessimist & he's a natural optomist..so that always made him crazy), I've totally controlled my anger...its simply left me in this crisis & I see how much time and energy I wasted on it for most of my life.I've sought counseling, but sadly the group closed down &i can't afford anything at the moment as I'm a housewife with disabilities. Finding a job has been a disaster thus far (he's pushing me to work to pay bills & I'm fine with that...but I can't FORCE someone to hire me as much as I wish I could). I'm not in high demand being disabled, 45+, &a 25 year SHM who stupidly never got training for anything. I was happy as I was, and enjoyed my husband, family, life.

Lately things have seemed better, closer. He's made several comments about how much he hates living 2 hours away, how he misses daughter &I, the house, his bed. How he wants to move home if I can find a job too offset the money he will lose by changing locations (there's not much of the type of work he does in our area, our house is recently purchased/underwater so we can't sell, and rent on a 1 bedroom apt. in the area he's at now would be 2x more than the mortgage we pay). Last week he told me her liked the fact that I worry about him (he rides a motorcycle) & said he "worries about me too, believe it or not".

Wed.my dad had open heart surgery, he stayed with me all day at the hospital & spent the night with me at my dads house. He have me a comforting hug & told me my Dad would be ok...and my dad did do really well.:)
Today I am home & he is at work. I texted him " thank you for being there for me for the surgery & after, I appreciate it & it helped me cope much better than I would have".
Now, I almost had myself convinced we might reconciling soon. But his response today dropped my heart to my knees. He replied, Your dad & you mean a lot to me.I'm glad I could be there."

I'm not sure why I took it so badly...
I think with that I realized its STILL one sided love, not rociprical, not the near the emotional level response that would indicate he lived me, our the reconciliation I'd been dreaming was coming. Damn expectations!! I know I shouldn't have them, but I do.

I'm trying to work on that...but that and detaching are NOT going well for me. I'm a black & white person, with low patience...so this is working my emotional growth in a huge way. If I detach I will let him go &i don't think I'd ever allow myself to trust in "us" again.
Funny, because"us" is history. And if we got back together, I'd want it to her different...because obviously it didn't work before.

I guess I just don't understand how he comes home every weekend and WANTS to spend time doing all our usual things if he doesn't love me & no longer wants to be married. I count do that if the figure was on the other foot.

He hasn't filed, so thats been keeping my hopes up that maybe, with my changes, & an improved work situation, we could become a family again.
He comes from parents married 46 years until his father passed away. In 11 years his mom hasn't looked at another man. My mom died when I was 10..my dad remarried his affair partner from work 4 months later, had a baby, then they divorced. My step mom hated me. Because of growing up in that situation I was 100% faithful, never had an affair. To me, THAT & being home/reliable was how I showed my love of him. I guess that it was fruitless, I wasn't giving him what he needed. I only wish it were, because I adore him, 26 years later.

I admit I have bigtime codependency & abandonment issues.
I've tried to GAL, but with anxiety attacks (prior to this, only aggravated by it now), depression, physical disabilities (RA&a debilitating joint disorder) and NO money I'm having a hard time. I have no one to talk to outside the forum except my kids &i can't really discuss this with them, as I don't want them to feel put in that position! I only have my dad (not a warm & fuzzy kinda guy) & one best friend across the country (also ill, so I can not bother her). Basically this forum is my only outlet for discussion.

I'm basically a hot mess, spinning, and trying to find some direction while being utterly confused & overwhelmed.
I guess mostly I'm wondering should I just give up after 8 months if as close to caring as he can give me is "you mean a lot to me"?!

Basically, if I move on, I do not want to stay in contact/remain friends with him, but it will kill me to lose him as he's been the very most important person in my life, for over half my life.
But, if he truely wants to divorce, I want him to be happy...but I personally cant be happy watching him fall in love with someone else & them live the life WE had dreamed of, or better. Does that make sense?

I mean, I stood by him through long, difficult (near death) health crises, family deaths, financial problems, even affairs that I said I could NEVER forgive...because I trotsky loved him. But he gave up on me in my own health crisis, and personal lost time (depression/pain)..

I guess that right there is what hurts the most. We weren't perfect & needed to pull together and make changes...but instead he gave up. I never would have, he & my family meant to much to me, and I THOUGHT we could overcome anything. He is still a good guy, though. And that makes he wonder if I'm just an old obligation he feels tied to, add guilt is the motivation to keep coming around.
I hope not, because that would be the most better pill to swallow.