Questions without answers...will the hurt stop?

[nero]

oops - forgot to say. if you don't feel strong enough- don't. do whatever about the locks because YOU and only YOU FEEL it's time and it's the rite next move FOR YOU TO MAKE. there's always tomorrow my dear - God willing. nothing is undoable while we're alive (pretty much).

xxoo

[nero]

so, back a moment. was out pruning- got thinking- it was your comment "don't feel strong enough" to change locks.

i get like that too - i am not the "grand gesture" type- this we know. so didn't mean to be preachie- but only do it if it's what you think you want to do - not your c or anyone. *me included.

hope you're feelin okay and nite was okay-

sorry you were in such a bad "place" - hope it's a bit better now- one way or the other.

i get impatient for a "resolution" - ALOT. IT MAKes me crazy and sometimes i even think it would be better to bash ahead and do something tremendously stupid & rash and just be DONE.

then i regain my composure- and continue on my prudent little path. it makes me crazy - but it would seem to be my comfort zone - prudence, caution - idk- don't we gotta be who we are???

like those wonderful hot pink heels that are pppeeeerfect - we'll know when it's rite and not hesitate one bit - donja think?

[RosaLinda]

Nero, you are so funny, and such a good friend to Dawn. You're a deep thinker!

Dawn, I can see that about not being strong enough to change the locks too. My H's mom is constantly advising me to kick out my H (her son!!!) but my answer is that I'm not ready yet. Not ready to give up yet. Hang in there!

[albamarie]

Bond & Snodderly,

Thanks for posting, I was feeling so defeated, like a possession he claims, def he's trying to be dominant over me. He feels as if he has no control over his life and maybe this family is the one things that makes him feel secure in knowing/thinking it's his no matter what. Like he say's "who's going to take my family away from me, even if you all leave, your still my family"!

He hates the boundary because he hates feeling the fallout of his own actions, he want's to be free to have friends without explanation. Plus, he really doesn't want to loose me, I said why do you want me, he can't say...he said it's too buried.

I'm going to keep my boundary and make more, it's time he see's my life will not stay still for him. At the same time I'm juggling showing him kindness and showing him, through example, how to treat me.

It's a tight line between all that and making sure not to be allowing him to cake eat, or coddle him.

[albamarie]

Linda,

Thanks soo much for reminding me about my own quote! Reading this quote this morning made me laugh reminding me how much dribble comes out of my h's mouth.

so my heart cannot understand why he is lying, why he is so mean, why he is saying all these horrible things. They must be true.

But I don't think it's the words we read into the situation that hurt us, but rather that it's the expectation the words cause us to have. I'd say a good 75% of the pain I feel from my H's MLC is caused by my own expectations. It is so hard though, so so hard to have hope yet no expectations.

I could not have explained it any better myself. Excellent insight and articulation! This is the hardest part about all of this, the part that's keeps me in the anguishing pain.

I expect him to do every disgusting thing as well as every loving thing that comes out of his mouth and it kills me at times. My own thoughts kill me when I don't remember not to believe what comes out of his mouth.

One day, maybe I will lock the door, but for now he doesn't really have the key to anything more that a piece of wood with a little window in it.

[albamarie]

My H said I am the only on who makes him see the things about himself he doesn't want to face.

EA and H discussed that they were not going to be friends anymore, this after I told H to go with her and make his life. When he told her what I said, she said no way, not that he wanted that either he said, but he presented it to her as to say this is what my W thinks about our R is about, she wants us to seal the deal.

Personally, I think she likes it just the way it is! He has no say over her, there is no commitment to follow, and it’s easy, he’s basically my problem, while at her beckon call, and she owes him nothing!

Funny thing is this doesn’t change anything!

I don’t feel special or chosen or even as if we are on a path of healing. I was willing to letting him go be free to give someone else the BS. Let him visit me…walk away to see our home life from the other side.

I did go as far as, during that talk about leaving, to say what about a D. He was furious, saying there I go bringing up societies BS rules on how our M should be. How do you D, a piece of paper would change nothing, we are family, EA is not family, I don’t work my a$$ off for her!!!

Not only does this not change anything, I don’t put any stock into it either. He’s nothing more that a junkie to me. (w/o the actual drugs)

I don’t see how I really have any boundaries in place! I’m just walking that thin line

[nero]

hey hi-

so you (and all of us) continue walking down our own thin line. well put man -

it's just where we all are with this db stuff. walking (hopefully forward) down some tiny thin path - big enough for one- just tryin to get thru without falling off either side & into trouble.

it's me too - so i guess that's the beauty of it huh? in the end (whatever the end is) - we get to say & feel that we did the best we could and if it all fails, well, we gave it our best try.

might be the hardest thing- i keep forgetting that great quote someone had about courage

- it's not just a roar - sometimes it's also the small voice saying "i'll do better tomorrow".

that

have a good day i hope-

peace out-

no commentary (whattasurprise huh?) - i'm sure i've said it all before (many times).

xxo

[RosaLinda]

oh Lord Dawn Marie, I feel so badly for you.

"Personally, I think she likes it just the way it is! He has no say over her, there is no commitment to follow, and it’s easy, he’s basically my problem, while at her beckon call, and she owes him nothing!
Funny thing is this doesn’t change anything!
I don’t feel special or chosen or even as if we are on a path of healing. I was willing to letting him go be free to give someone else the BS. Let him visit me…walk away to see our home life from the other side."

Ha, you would be the OW for a change, and neither of them like that thought! It never occurred to me to look at it from the OW's point of view. My H's OW is different, she is a Russian and desperately wants my H to divorce me and marry her so she can get a green card. But I can see how you are probably right about your H's OW's motivations. As long as she can support herself and does not want to marry her, she is having the best of both worlds. You do his dirty laundry, she gets taken out to dinner. That sux big time!

"I did go as far as, during that talk about leaving, to say what about a D. He was furious, saying there I go bringing up societies BS rules on how our M should be. How do you D, a piece of paper would change nothing, we are family, EA is not family, I don’t work my a$$ off for her!!!
Not only does this not change anything, I don’t put any stock into it either. He’s nothing more that a junkie to me. (w/o the actual drugs)
I don’t see how I really have any boundaries in place! I’m just walking that thin line."

I think (not an expert by any means) that this is just more confused MLC crap talk Dawn. Yes, these are society's rules. Married people do not have affairs. Married people who want to have an affair get divorced first. Cadet was just telling me my H is "cake eating" and I think your H is too. Most of our H's probably are, right? It's hard but don't pay any attention to him, just keep doing as you have been, trying to detach as best you can, be your sweet self. He has to wake up out his MLC madness on his own. As Snodderly would say, you didn't break him, you cannot fix him. Hopefully soon you WILL feel chosen and special and like you and your H are on a path of healing. In the meanwhile, hang in there! You're doing great!

[albamarie]

Hi Linda,

MLC crap is getting to my head soo bad I just want to cut off the head of the snake. I live by society rules, M, R, friendships, and even how you treat a stranger. Respect, love of God, and loyalty, my H is a hypocrite.

This idea of what am I standing for is getting to me. He's not someone I would chose for myself today. I am i waiting on a miracle?


I went out and GAL Friday all day:

On Friday night I had dinner w a friend who met H before I did. She watched him in his relationship w his XGF and how he handled that. She said he is not the guy who lets you go, even if he is already himself gone from the R. Maybe it’s the rejection he can’t handle though he can dish it out.

She believes, having known him so long, that I should leave him, and he will come after me when he awakens w/o me, meanwhile I am enjoying my life. I said I believe he would wash his hands of me and deal w the consequences believing also that he deserves this and I am better off, he is the forever martyr.

Sometimes I feel a little strange around here because some of you speak about your SO as if they are still your loves and they are still in your heart, some still think of them as attractive, or on a rare occasion romantic by gesture. I don’t feel that. I look at my H in disgust, I find everything ugly about him and focus on it, I make sure I have little tolerance for his BS, and I don’t concern myself w his well being.

As nice as I am too him, tolerable, and even sometimes I go out of my way if he asks, I am faking it. Today as he got ready for work w the usual need for coffee, conversation, schedule, and the “do I look ok’s” all I could think about was GTFO of my face, my house, my life.

What’s wrong w me? Is this a defensive move on my part? Do I really hope the next time he’s asleep this is it…nice and quiet please let this be over? She asked me if I love him, I said no, she asked again, I looked her in the eyes and said, no. She then said in his current condition…I choked on it, but I gave her “in his current condition’’, though I am not sure I mean it.

[RosaLinda]

You sound so upset Dawn. Who asked you if you love your H? The friend who advised you to leave him? Did you love him BEFORE this MLC? You're right, I still love my H a lot. Not sure I could DB for  long with him being in love with the tramp if I didn't love him.