Going In Circles

[shouldistillhope]

Went to meet with my friend last night who is also a pastor. I think opening up to him about how i feel and the walls i seem to be constantly running myself into during this self reflection period has opened my eyes a bit.

It seems ike a lot of advice people give whether it's friends, pastor, counselor's or even vets who post on this board have similarities, yet are vastly different on how to handle the scope of this situation.

The common points from everyone, no matter who, seems to be to get myself to a point of reflection and become a better man. I get that. It sounds easy, but i have to dig deep to see if i truly have the fortitude to change the things my W has said were the toxic causes of our M.

So lets say i make these changes and she sees them and says she wants to start working things out, or start dating again. At what point does she figure out that she also needs to admit and make an effort to change the things in our marriage that were on her end as well? It's like my pastor said last night, the drinking alone did not cause this to happen. It truly takes two to tango.

It was nice to hear that i didn't have to shoulder all the blame myself even though i had been taking it all upon myself to be the bigger person in this mess.

I realize i will make changes to make myself a better person, but are all of us truly making these changes for ourselves? or are we looking deep in our hearts and feeling true about the fact that in some small way, we are doing this to win our W or H back.

It is a never ending see saw of emotions and self discovery that no one but us can answer.

I asked my pastor friend last night why God answered my prayers 12 years ago when my wife and i started dating only to seemingly take it all away in the blink of an eye without so much as a warning, even though i now see the signs of a M that had been crumbling years ago and i can look inside myself and see the role i have played in that failure.

He looked me in the eye and said "Maybe it is a wake up call" and then asked what my relationship was with God.

It sure feels like alot of us turn to God when things go horribly wrong and can't figure out why he isn't making things better.

For what it's worth, i now believe deep down in my heart, and i have this feeling inside from somewhere that at some point my W and i will be back together as long as i become the man she fell in love with. Where i am at in life when or if that time comes, who knows. There is a lot of advice and people here telling us all what doesn't work and that is helpful, but unless someone actually knows our WAS personally, it is very hard to tell someone what WORKS. You have to figure that out sometimes by yourself and live with the victories and defeats from the choices you have made.

I also am fairly positive that when the time comes (if it does) that i will have to be the one to make that effort. My W is a very independant, strong willed woman and she is too proud to ever tell me she made a mistake and we should try to work things out. It sounds like mind reading, but i know better than anyone other than God what her personalities and boundries are like.

I want to wish everyone luck. I wish you all the peace you need to make this journey we all are traveling. I hope you can all find patience that seems to be ever so important in this difficult time. It is up to us and only us on which advice to follow and your decisions and instincts will be guided by God if you choose to follow them.

There are many smart people here helping us to NOT make mistakes, but when it comes to doing what is right after you make changes for yourself can only come from your own heart. There are no experts on how to save your marriage or get back together with an ex W or H, only advice from people who have gone through this same exact thing.

I will continue to follow some of your sitch's as i go along in life as much as i can, it just feels like all of us are competing to see who can get their thread to the top of the board the quickest so they can get answers they need, but i seem to have realized through some self reflection that this has not been teaching me any patience at all.

May God bless you all and if your sitch is new, have faith. It still hurts everyday, but you can get through this, even if you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you all find peace in whatever you are looking for.

Thanks everyone.