WAS/MLC spouse is working her way back to me

[Verum]

MrBond thanks for checking in on my sitch.

I think I will suggest to my W that she get counseling. We are going on a family vacation, leaving this weekend so I'll wait until we get back.

I'm not sure we are ready for a M retreat. I've mostly been following the advice to stay away from R discussions. It's difficult to tell when I should start one, or follow what seems the general advice of waiting for the WAS to start it.

[Thumpered]

SA, I've been now following your thread, your an inspiration to me on how the 180 works, plz keep them updates coming. As I use them for information myself. I must admit things seem to be moving along for the positive.

I think what amazes me most as you've done this without counseling. I know, for me at least, the counseling has been a great outlet to get things off my chest when theres times I have no where else to vent for myself. I went to 3 others before I found one that worked for me. So its an important connection.

Continued progress is in my prayers for you! Slow, steady and patient!! Your the man!!

[Verum]

I think what amazes me most as you've done this without counseling

I did have a DB coach that helped. I also had a friend that is going through a nasty divorce and he had good advice about detaching.

[Verum]

A big set-back today. Yesterday, I was feeling depressed, and didn't feel like going home. So I texted W that I was in a funk, and needed time to think and that I'd be home late.

I think this set her off thinking. When I got home she wanted to know what was wrong. I told her I just needed to be alone and think.

This morning she told me that she is not coming on our family vacation to a beach house this coming weekend. We rent it with my parents and my sister's family. I knew she didn't want to go. She doesn't want to be with my family and be scrutinized. I think my episode yesterday pushed her off the fence from going to not going. She told me she wants to visit a GF that moved 2-hours away and talk to somebody that is not me or herself. She also wants time to think, and she said she wants to finish some projects that have been sitting around for weeks now because she doesn't have the time. These are valid, but minor reasons that could easily be overcome.

I told her that we would all miss her. I validated some of what she said. The only attempt I made to convince her to come was that she could relax, she could have alone time, and she would enjoy herself. I kept it on her. I didn't try any guilt trips.

I'm mildly sad that she is not joining us. When I planned the trip in January, our sitch was much worse, and I made these plans without telling her and with a high expectation that she wouldn't come. Not until March did she bring it up that she would come. Since then, she has never mentioned the trip. I believe because she didn't want to go.

[Thumpered]

I'm sorry the weekend with your wife didn't work out, for the family. Maybe the break will make her realize she's missing out much needed family fun and relaxation.

She must feel a great burden putting on the show in front of extended family, and that pressure is still to much at this point. Maybe its better that she gets time to think instead of collapsing under the pressure for now of, what in her mind, what might feel like scrutiny.

Enjoy yourself and the time with family. It might feel like a disappointment right now, but by the end of the weekend, hopefully your batteries are recharged.

[Verum]

Thumpered, thanks for the support.

This is part of the reason why I'm not over-reacting. It may be good for her to have the alone time. Also, I know she doesn't want her actions/life/decisions scrutinized by my family.

[AnotherStander]

A big set-back today.

I don't see it as a setback, it is totally normal for a WAS to run hot and cold during piecing. Heck, people run hot and cold even in healthy marriages. But especially in piecing, because the WAS starts thinking maybe the LBS is getting too comfortable with things and so they feel the need to push the LBS away. The thing to do during these episodes is first, remain calm Second, give the WAS all the time and space they want, and don't make a big deal out of it. She wants to see her friend and not go with you to a family outing? Well you think that's a GREAT idea!! You think the two of you could use some time apart, and frankly you LOVE the idea of hanging out with the family by yourself! This does two things. First it gives her the time and space she wants. Second it makes her wonder why you're so eager to give her time and space, what are you up to? Why are you so happy being independent of her? Is there someone else at this family outing that you want to see without her around? It's DB'ing 101, be mysterious, have PMA, be strong and independent. That's what attracts the WAS back and it's what keeps them from straying too far.

[Verum]

AS, you are totally right.

I feel somewhat ambivalent about my W not coming for a 1-week vacation. I only told her once that I would like for her to come. I told her because sometimes people need to hear it. She said she knew, and after that I didn't bring it up again. We had a late dinner with a mostly light conversation and even laughed a bit.

So I thought I did pretty good DBing, but AS your perspective is even better. I told my W that I would only contact her once to let her know that we arrived safely (we are flying and then driving, it will take most of the day to get there). So based on AS's ideas, here's what I'm going to send her when we arrive,

W,

We arrived safely. I hope you're able to visit with your friend in CITY. Not that I don't wish you came, but I think it is a good idea to spend some time apart. Frankly, I enjoy having the time alone with the girls and my family too. I'm going to take MY SISTER flying with me, it'll be a blast to fly over VACATION BEACH with her. I also found a place that rents surf boards, and I though it would be fun for me to surf with DAUGHTER1 and DAUGHTER2 in the warmer STATE waters with smaller waves. It'll be good preparation for when they do Junior Lifeguard in OUR HOME CITY.

I'll see you when we get back.

SailingAlone

[Thumpered]

imho its too long, just say your arrived safely, and hope she has fun with her friends, talk to you when we get back.

that's way more mysterious.

but heck im learning as I go. I could be totally wrong.

[InnerStrength]

I agree with Thumpered. You put all the cards on the table and take away the mystery of what you are up to, and when you mention "Not that I don't wish you came, but I think it is a good idea to spend some time apart", the effect it will have in reality is reminding her that you in fact did want her to come. Keep it short, be mysterious; you want her to be wondering about you while you are gone.