Ok, guys I have a question that I need help with... So today i'm leaving work and I get a call from W. She ask where I was and what I was about to do. I told her I was going to the gym and she said cool me too. She then asked if we can work out together because she doesn't like to workout on her own without me, because she's not motivated when i'm not there. I'm not sure how to take this one, one part of me thinks cake eating and the other side says build of something positive. The thing is I just kinda feel like she's using me? Should I say I don't really want to workout with you right now?
Having a rough day today, it seems like since i've moved out she's getting worse. I stopped by our home to pick up a few things yesterday and she was being really short and snappy... So I asked what was wrong she said she's going through tons of emotions, one day she's angry to see me but is upset when she doesn't because she misses me. She feels like she still isn't getting space on one hand but on the other it's a lot of space. I'm so confused. She has been extremely distant and i'm in my angry phase because i'm trying to give what she asked for and it still seems it isn't good enough.
I went out last night with a buddy of mine and she sent me a text and asked was I out, I responded "yes why?" her response "no reason at all." It's like i'm dealing with 3 different people. I then sent her a text and said:
"Babe, tomorrow isn't promised to either of us I want you to know I love you and I don't want what we're going through right now to define what we've meant to each other. Stay strong, and I hope you find yourself through all of this. You have my support."
Her response:
"Just need space"
So that's were I left it. I'm not sure where I am emotionally but I'm better than i've been. Other than my marriage my life is great, It's just the thing that means to most is non existent. And to me that is HUGE, because tomorrow isn't promised and the way "I" feel that is crux of everything, if you could no longer touch, see, or hear them again would what we are all going through be worth it or matter?
So I read this post and thought I'd respond, I skimmed back through several pages so am somewhat up to speed.
I don't think she's being confusing. She said: she said she's going through tons of emotions, one day she's angry to see me but is upset when she doesn't because she misses me. She feels like she still isn't getting space on one hand but on the other it's a lot of space. I'm so confused
It seems to me that we the LBS, contribute to our confusion by being too attached to the emotions of the WAS. That's why detaching is so important. When the WA is in a needy place we think we are needed and we feel good. When the WA mood changes to pushing us away we are sad because we no longer feel needed or wanted. It's not the WA who is causing us to be confused, we are allowing it. There's a lot of stuff you can read about distancer-pursuer dynamic but I think in this case she is taking baby steps away from you. She's not ready to let go completely because it's scary out there.
It's up to you how you respond to that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Ok, need a little guidance here. I've been doing a lot of soul searching lately. I think me moving out of my home was a "HUGE" mistake. I did it for all the wrong reasons. I thought by me leaving she would see that I was making a huge sacrifice to give her space, not only that it was about control if I can be honest. I could still have access whenever I wanted or needed. Selfish I know but it's what I did. Bottomline is I won't stay away much longer. I'm in a place now where it is month to month and honestly i'm ready to leave today. And if she wants to leave she can. She was ok with this in the 1st place it was me who wasn't because I was trying to control the situation.
My question is this, how do I approach this with her? Because this is not going to work. I've grown a little since i've been gone and i've realized I should not have left...
Just putting out thoughts. I think I'm entering the anger phase. I'm starting to get to the point of not really caring if it worked or not. I do better to not see her and when I do I get pissed. There's parts of me that want to move forward and not look back. We had a little issue transpire yesterday here's the convo she sent me a text out if the blue hasn't seen her in 2 day.
W: "the more I think about all the past years I get angrier and angrier. And I'm not getting past it. I'm angry and sad at the same time. I asked you for years to change in my own way."
Me: I understand. I'd like to be able to make it better however I can't. We've both choices and decisions tht have us at this point. I know I've hurt u I do and I'm extremely remorseful.
W: I'm just trying to hold onto friendship at this time
Me: I know.
W: I battle through everyday
Me: Can we please talk?
W: There is nothing to say
Me: God is the great redeemer of all things
W: Well there is no redeeming this
W: All I need now is to rebuild any self confidence I had
Me: You're a amazingly strong and gifted woman.
By this time I was at our home. We talk and she gives me all the script even when I didn't suggest or bring up any R talk it was her but she said it was me. Then she asked me to go eat with her. I'm just really feeling like I need to set boundaries. Just getting really angry. She's making time for all the things I asked for a while ago but she was too tired now she can do certain things. I'm sure there are vets here with advice. I'm all ears. I've prayed about it and I know what I should do but it's still not easy. I have so much PRIDE.. And I know what cometh before pride.
Don't leave your house! Take it from a guy who did and regrets it. I was so shocked and broken over the "it's over and I need space" talk that I would have done anything she asked me for. Just my opinion.... Definitely talk to a DB coach first. Prayers for your situation.
Well guys been awhile since last post. Update she told me she wants a divorce. I'm so heartbroken. That for the 2nd time in my life I'm here. I'm not very good at this DB thing. I've broken the 37 rules 37x in one day. I'm angry at myself because I opened up to feel again and it [censored]! Ill be honest I just want to be numb. I hate I let myself feel again and I know that's not the right attitude but ill be honest I'm so broken right now. I don't need relationship advice I just need human being to human being right now because I'm stuggling right now.
I'd made so much progress but it all hit a head. I felt like she was being cold and callus and I called her on it and the rest is history. Help someone anyone.
Completelylost, You and I are walking the same road. We're the same age and my wife told me on Tuesday she wants a divorce. The only way I can describe myself is completely broken. I miss my kids, my wife, my house, and my life. It's hard to get out of bed and I understand what you're feeling and going through. I broke all the rules as well and my W has turned into a completely different person towards me. That cold, callus, hatred causes unbearable pain. Unrequited love is devastating especially when you've been with someone for 13 years.
