Husband has one foot out the door!

[Thumpered]

Hope you don't mind me chipping in on your thread H61, I swear you and I were separated at birth, and so were our spouses. You and I share many of the same insecurities, and so do our spouses.

You, like me, still seem to want to try to control the situation, good or bad, the problem is that its almost always bad cause its just not happening fast enough for us. I know exactly how you feel, and to a large extent we're both making exactly the same mistakes. I think what finally got me over that hump was the fact I convinced myself that if I do it one more time, my spouse is gonna walk right out the door. SO DONT DO IT.

When I feel that urge to say something in an attempt to control again, I go for a walk, get away, remove myself from the situation. After all, that's truly the only control I DO have right now. You will find if you can do it enough times, your not pressuring him into making the "wrong" decision.

I don't think your quite detached enough, and hey, that's ok, its a slow process for us "intiate'ers". But it is something we need to change about ourselves. It obviously affects many other aspects of our lives. I also like to look at it this way, "Is this something I want to pass on to my kids?" These are not the lessons I want them dealing with when they get married.

I don't know if your a texter, or have a support friend, but I find the slow banter back and forth a great way to kill time. AND it helps with the mystery you speak of, husband wondering who you could be talk to? has she moved on? I know its all a façade for now, but its amazing what I can do for your self confidence.

[chasingpavements]

Hi Thumpered, thanks for weighing in on my situation Our stories do seem so similar! You are right that I have been trying to control the situation, and unfortunately, for the first time, this is a situation that I am not able to even weigh in on, let alone change. So hard for me to accept. It's as if my own future is decided by him, and that is scary. I am going to do all that I can on my end, and hope that it makes a difference.

You are definitely right that if I bring up any sort of relationship talk or ask him where we stand, he is going to walk straight out the door. We are hanging by a thread..it is scary for me.

I am going to try to detach more, which is ok, because I need the time for myself. I am finding that I don't even want to be around him that much anymore. Going for walks seems to be helping, and just getting out of the house in general.

I like the idea of the texting!

[chasingpavements]

If you are deciding to be patient then he is not stringing you along. You are standing.

If you try to guess the future and make decisions based on pride and hurt feelings and scorekeeping, which is what "annoyed" and "stringing me along" sound like, you may benefit from reading more from the vets on here and the 38 rules.

While you are being patient is a good time to do 180s and GAL like crazy. Do things for you. Become a spouse only a fool would leave. He might be that fool but you won't be helping him along with a sour attitude. Good luck!

Hi, Adinva, that is hard for me to hear, the truth. I know deep down that my sour attitude is only hurting things. If I could get past all of this anger, and fear I would feel so much better. I am not sure how to get past all of this resentment that I feel. I am so scared right now. You're right that I need to make the best of the situation, by being patient. And that I need to stop worrying about him so much just start getting busy with my own life.

[adinva]

It's not natural. I don't think there's anyone here who easily made the transition to "he's breaking up our marriage and I'm enjoying my life." It's so much more natural to be like "he's breaking up our marriage and I'm falling apart with stress and fear." Is your stress and fear the glue you expect to hold your marriage together? Is your stress and fear what you hope he will come back to and love forever? While it feels unnatural, you must choose to evolve from this, and the only way to get there is to keep yourself busy with 180s and GAL and let time go by. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Act like someone a man would be a fool to walk away from.

The best thing about this is losing the fear, but it does take time. You may have gotten in a habit of living with your H where you got lazy, took each other for granted, but stayed together because what else could you do. You get so entwined that you lose who you once were. You fear the idea of being apart, but the idea of being together isn't great either under the circumstances. The game has been changed, and you need to start really living, really being who you want to be, with or without him.

There were never any guarantees. Strokes, accidents, who knows what might have ended your marriage prematurely. You have to pick yourself up and go on fearlessly. You'll get there. The funny thing is that DB experience has shown that this personal growth might even end up enabling your H to want to reconcile. Either way it's a good thing.

[Thumpered]

I woke up this morning, and started thinking..."What the he!! im I doing, this person could really, when it comes down to it, care less if I get hit by a car on the way to work."

I'm finding it very hard to keep this up, and spend more time thinking it doesn't matter what the spouse wants now, I'm done. I cant keep living this way, I certainly cant let my kids go another year or two/whatever until something finally snaps then HOPE its the decision best for the family. With my GAL and hobbies/friends, it would be SOOOO much easier to just walk away than deal with this person I don't even know anymore.

I hope your having more luck willing to deal with it all. I know im almost spent. Its not even about dealing with it as much as im getting to the point im unhappy, and this person that kidnapped my spouse isn't whom I want to be with anymore anyways.

[chasingpavements]

Thumpered, unfortunately I am not having much more luck than you in dealing with all of this. Before our big bomb drop, I thought everything was going fine with us. We got along well, went on dates, family vacations, laughed a lot, etc. Ever since the bomb drop, my life has changed drastically. He says he doesn't care for me as much as he thinks he should and no longer loves me and can't imagine us staying together. I am still in complete shock.

I often think, what is the point in staying with someone like this. Our children are still very young, and we would be splitting our family up. I am probably about to become a single mother, looking for a new place to live, most likely scraping by, trying to make ends meet. What kind of person does that?? I imagine that's where his depression comes in.

I am almost spent as well. I feel that I deserve someone who cares about me, someone that will treat me well, and care about my feelings. I feel as though my spouse is a completely different person, as well, than what he used to be. I don't know what happened to my old spouse, it's almost like 'Twilight Zone', too weird to describe.

I also think about, what happens if this gets strung out another couple of years. I don't think I can continue on for another few years, feeling how I do, in pain, and worrying, and dealing with a spouse that does not care for me.

[Thumpered]

Im sorry I went way over the top there. I know this might be semantics, but at the same time im feeling the above I know ive got more in me too.

I know you do too, we have just keep at it, dont take it personal, and let us enjoy what we can be thankful for and rediscover ourselves along the way. As much as our spouses have changed, we've given our power away and we just need to put in the work to get it back. We are going to do it. Even if I have to drag u along with me!

Tomorrow were going to start our day with a smile, look in the mirror and say today is for me. Today im going to have some fun.

[chasingpavements]

Do not rush to any quick decision whatever you do.. you have a lot more fight in you. Keep at it! I know, we also have to remember, for whatever the reason is, our spouses are depressed, and that is something to consider as well. That can take quite a toll on someone, and since we are their spouse, we should do all that we can do to help them in their situation. They are certainly not seeing things clearly at the moment, that is for sure! They are just as confused as we are.

Stay strong and I am here if you need me.

[chasingpavements]

I am very close to telling my H that I would like him to stay at his brother's house. I do not care if it is a temporary separation or not, or trial separation, I just cannot bare to be in the same house as him. He is bringing me down with him in his depression. I do not want to go down with him. I do not even know if I would like him to be around the children in his state of mind. He is so closed off, distant, quiet. I do not think that is healthy. I feel he needs help. I am worried for him.

[ALF213]

I am very close to telling my H that I would like him to stay at his brother's house. I do not care if it is a temporary separation or not, or trial separation, I just cannot bare to be in the same house as him. He is bringing me down with him in his depression. I do not want to go down with him. I do not even know if I would like him to be around the children in his state of mind. He is so closed off, distant, quiet. I do not think that is healthy. I feel he needs help. I am worried for him.

I've been there H61. Being around my W and seeing her trying not to fall apart was tough. I worried about her. I worried about her decreasing interaction with the kids. I felt she needed help. Then I realized this was affecting my mood. Even though as of today we are still in the same house, I try not to be in the same room much. It really helped. I play with the kids outside, I do yard work, I go for a run, etc. It helped my PMA.

You can't fix him. I know you know that, but I also know how hard it is not to care. And its not that you don't care about him, but you have to care for yourself more. Take care of you and kids.