What would your life look like, if not for today ?
How do you choose to see this day as you reflect on it ????
Thanks, more than I got from the W this AM . She didn't even say bye, seemed to want out of house asap. I expected no less from her so no surprises there.
I'll start by saying I'm doing very good today, much better then I thought I'd be. Received a little perception reality check this AM from a good friend and made me rethink some things, I'll get to that in a minute...
Last night I did spin a little bit. I went golfing with friends and had great time then stopped by an Arby's to grab some food. I was only person there and for whatever reason the sitch and the anniversary hit me hard for first time in a LONG time. Thankfully through this process I've figured out how to process feelings, understand what's driving them, and how to move past them once I've let them run their course. I worked through the first 2 steps; yesterday's emotions were a little more intense then normal so for the third step I went for a late night run. I PR'd a 10 mile run by over 1.5 minutes which definitely made me stop thinking. Biggest surprise was my chest didn't explode and I kept the Arby's down...
This morning I woke up and realized I was using anger and hurt to shield myself from the emotions of today. While that would have easily got me through today and I could have even justified it that isn't who I really am. After reading that eye opening e-mail I'm in a better spot now, more in line with who I am and how I like to think about things.
To honor today I'm remembering the good times that made up our M and our lives together. Things like how we met, our wedding day, our honeymoon and the various trips we took, the stupid little moments that would go unnoticed by most people but mean something to me, the times I was there for her when she needed me. I'm not letting myself think about the negatives or the current D process and the emotions that come with that. I'm thinking a lot about the kids and the family times we all enjoyed together. I'm also reflecting on the unconditional love I still have for my W, it's just now a different 'type' of love.
My life - who knows what it would look like. I do know I wouldn't have my kids or the great memories I mentioned above and I can say, even with the hurt, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I also know, for better or for worse, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I likely wouldn't have explored and peeled back the layers on things like obligation, abandonment, love and love languages, honor, self respect, boundaries, co-dependency, etc... I have no idea what my life would look like if it weren't for 6/21/97, what I do know is I like who I am today and my life with my W helped create that man.
How will I reflect on this day... 6/21 has nothing to do with my marriage anymore, it has to do with me honoring my life and the events that shaped my life and made me into the man I am. It made me into a person that is proud of who I am, proud of how I present myself, proud of how I stand for what I believe in, and, most importantly, proud of the legacy that I'm passing on to my kids. It's also spurred a desire to continue to peel back layers and continue to grow, not only for me but also for my children. I'm excited for the future and the legacy that I'm leaving behind. That's how I will reflect on 6/21...
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Once again I agree with Breakdown. Great to focus on the positive. I'm sure she's feeling xtra guilty today. Not feeling so great about herself. I didn't mention anything about my anniv this year, but he still called. All LBS deal with a fair amount of guilt.
What can you do about it? To not add to the guilt by being as "normal" as possible.
Guilt and W aren't something that usually go together, or at least I never witness it. She still holds on to so much anger and resentment from years ago. It used to bother me; now I know I've changed and it's completely unwarranted. God knows at times I did things I'm not proud of but I've asked for forgiveness, showed her the new me, and sincerely changed who I am so nothing else I can do about it. If she won't let it go and see what she has(d) then that's on her.
Weekend was pretty up and down emotionally for me and made me realize there's still a lot of healing and detaching to come.
Friday night went out with friend after W got home. She didn't say a single word to me before I left but it is what it is. I had a fun night; I did catch myself drifting to anniversary thoughts every now and then but my buddy is pretty perceptive and roped me back quickly.
Saturday W went to a wedding and I found out she wasn't planning to come home. W and D7 went to get their hair done so S5 and I spent most the day together doing 'guy' stuff (go-karts, Harley dealership, putt putt, etc...) which was fun but the thought of W not coming home was festering deep down. I know it shouldn't because we're a week from D but what can I say, I had feelings... D7 got home about 3 and kids and I went to a movie, out to dinner, then played rest of night. I fell asleep with them while watching TV in bed. It was a lot of fun overall and so glad to spend the time with them. I wonder if they know how much I was leaning on them to get me through the night... I woke up once with both snuggled against me and realized there is no where else I would rather be and W can have her new life.
W texted me from reception with some random BS to tell D7, thought it was kind of strange. Later in evening a friend texted me telling me W hung out with OM (EA) a lot but she stayed at female friends house. Wasn't the first text I wanted to read Sunday AM. I didn't really need to know any of that and it did bother me to have confirmed she spent night drinking and having fun with him (truth be told I was expecting it to go further...). Also made me miss times we shared together and I kind of wished it was me she was having fun with. Not sure if these emotions are normal or if I'm just not as detached as I thought. Didn't affect anything I did, just 'felt' it.
Sunday I was shocked that W met us at church then joined us for lunch and went swimming at gym afterwards at kids request. I just don't understand her, she wants her freedom and new life but still joins us for everything we do. Kids love the family time so much I just go with it. Why BS it, I enjoy these time a lot also. I'm detached enough that it doesn't get to me much anymore. These 'family' activities will change once D is final though... Kids were all over me all day continuing the fun time we had the day before. They were both laughing like crazy with me and it was almost over the top at times. I noticed W watching and smiling many times. They were almost ignoring her which I thought was a little odd. In past whenever one of us was gone that person would get all their attention when they got home but that wasn't the case yesterday.
Today I'm feeling pretty good and not dwelling on stuff. Just figured I'd document my journey (strong times and weaker times). I guess these little emotional 'battles' are normal (well I hope they are) and something I just need to work through when they occur. I was a little surprised about my emotions on Saturday because I really was feeling detached. I didn't really need to know what she was doing or even want to know and it didn't affect me terribly so I guess I still feel detached.
I want to admit something though and this is hard because it would be easier if I didn't feel this way. Just because I still feel like the rope is dropped, deep down I still have hope to R with W sometime in the future for the sake of the family. I realize that won't happen until after D and that's too bad because the big losers are the kids. If it ever happens she has to miss me and realize who I am and what she gave away. She has to see the monster she's created in her head just isn't who I am and life won't magically get better with me gone and will most likely get harder. My hope is that it will cause her to look at herself and make the changes that would be needed to R (and that this happens before I find someone else...).
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Wow, you guys are lucky I'm doing good today. 
and made me rethink some things, I'll get to that in a minute...