Its tough; getting tougher

[amy1982]

Thankyou, Bluedown
Its so hard for me to not feel responsible for the decisions he is making when he says its because of me that he's acting the way he does. He says he's kept my "dirty little secret" & now he can't deal w/ it any longer & so he looks like the bad guy because he stopped going to church. I am seriously considering making a public confession so he doesn't feel like he has to keep my "dirty little secret". I offered 2 long ago but he didn't think I needed to. I had confessed to all involved.
Just in the last two weeks H has gotten increasingly bitter toward me. He has cut out the last bit of physical contact we had & for the 1st in our R he addressed me by name this AM instead of using a pet name. That was making a definite point because that was something important to him...he did not want me to address him by name either.
I think he wants me to feel pressured so I'll leave.
Something I just can't reconcile in my mind is how "devastated" he is when he's the guy that broke me down. I honestly got to the place where I didn't think he cared.
I feel like I can't talk to family except I do talk to my SIL...yes, BIL's wife. She has been w/ me thro all the pain of the last 4 yrs & amazingly she didn't dump me even aftr she found out about A. She knew I was confused & hurting & that was not really what I wanted. She & her H got closer thro the whole mess & their R is bettr than ever & I don't understand why I have The pain of my husband's EAs to deal w/ & now I'm being dumped & there's no forgiveness for me.
I am a stay at home mom so I don't bring in any income. I bought some coaching sessions & my H was very upset. He does not believe in getting outside help..he calls coaches & marriage centers" blood-sucking B*****ds that don't give a rip about you"
But I might babysit 4 my neighbor & in that event I would get some money I could use to see a therapist
This is def the worst experience in my life...I never took our R for granted..sometimes I think I cared too much & then when the things that mattered so much to me were given away even when he knew it was killing me I gave up fighting. (but not caring). When I would show how much it was killing me he would say "Ok, then I'll just do it behind your back". That's why its so hard for me that he can just lynch me. I guess I don't have to reason thru all that. I would be willing to just figure out what it would take from here.
I think a lot of it has to do w/ the fact that he wants a diff lifestyle....Believe me , I'm not keeping him from it but he knows I could never fit in w/ those friends so maybe he feels he has to get away from me & he's very attatched to someone who would fit right in.
OK, bluedown, you got to listen to my ramblings, so here's a hug for you (((((BD))))