Thanks so much for the kind words of support RH. It means a lot to me to have your help here.
Originally Posted By: reachingHigher
Have you talked to a DB coach? I can't remember.
Yes, several weeks back, but this was before I knew how much W was still struggling with the incident from March 2012, and I felt like issuing a reality talk to let her know I wouldn't be waiting around forever in a loveless M. Now I can see that doing that would likely only have one outcome... her wanting D.
Even though I'm still hoping to find the magic words or deeds, it doesn't seem there's much I can do besides give her time and space, and continue to be there for her. That or bail, which I just can't do knowing all the pain she is dealing with. I just don't believe we should give up on our M so easily!
This trip will offer great insight as far as where we both are, I think.
Quote:
But for me it wasn't a clear cut "I want a D". It was more like it was an expected thing that "we" were moving on to complete.
Same here. W's feelings about me are what they are, and she doesn't see them as changeable. What I do or say, or how I look, makes little difference.
Quote:
Well...perspectives can change, as you know.
Yes, they can. But the waiting is the hardest part.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, from all I have read, both "professional" articles and from blogs of SA survivors (your W and mine share that experience), she needs to work with a therapist...google a wordpress blog written by sworddancewarrior...she has a lot of great, from personal experience, info (and for spouses/partners of SA survivors), at least for YOU right now. I found it very enlightening, and helpful, to understand my W's POV (hidden or open).
You may want to see someone yourself for support, tools and understanding with dealing with SA survivor as a spouse, it can be very tough...which may open the door to your W to talking with someone (aka, you leading, "quietly").
Just an idea, and if you've already done so, please forgive me, I don't remember if you have or not. T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
There has been no discussion of the incident since the week or so after it happened, until her comments recently. I was unaware that she was still so troubled by it.
At least I now have an even better idea of what W is dealing with. Reading the advice above, and now a bit on the sword dance site, comforts me that I've pretty much been on course.
I fully expect we will discuss all this at some point during the trip. I will listen and validate, and express my regrets for my part in things. I will not try to fix her or push her to a resolution of my choice. I want W to stick with me because she sees that I love her, and am giving my best for her. I really think it will go well.
I will not be logging on to the forum during the trip. I will be concentrating primarily on having a fun, relaxed time with my W of 30 years, along with a bit of R talk and of course making sure I don't end up being a whale shark hors d' oeuvre!
This likely will be my last post until we return.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, I wrote a note to you yesterday when I got home from work but it seems to have disappeared. Or maybe I posted it on someone else's thread by mistake. I'm capable of anything after being up for 30 hours.
I doubt that you'll see this. But I just want to reassure you that your W's statement is just confused MLC history rewriting, because she cannot face the true fact of what her brother did.
Keep being your wonderful self. You've been doing great. Don't bring it up again. When she does, just validate with love and compassion like you've been doing. She WILL love and trust you again someday. She DOES love you, she's just in a muddle right now. Give yourselves time.
Happy anniversary my friend. I'm looking forward to hearing about your adventures with whale sharks and the wonderful bonding experience with your W.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
I'm back, and have so much to post. First I'll start with some of our trip activities. We did the swim with the whale sharks tour on Saturday morning. I was nervous but it was amazing! The creatures truly are gentle giants. There were several dozen in the area, and they get VERY close to swimmers. (W actually got bumped by one!) I also seen manta rays and a smaller shark of another speices!
On the way out we seen flying fish, and on the way back, a pod of dolphins! I highly recommend the tour.
We walked to the shopping plaza two different days, bought a few gifts and ate dinner at a diner on the marina in front of a live band. Also had a couple of nice dinners in our resort.
Sunday we both did a workout in the gym. Spent plenty of time on the beach and playing in the water.
The bad news: W is still cool, distant and quiet. Says she is still done, is convinced she never had a spark for me and never will. Doesn't expect she'd ever want to have sex with me again, and won't let me touch her. I'm a nice guy and all, but just like a brother to her. Says "wouldn't it be nice to find that "spark" with someone someday?"
The good news: She's still here, not likely to file or move out any time soon, and not actively seeking a relationship with another man. While we are mostly quiet when together, we do have brief periods of verbal connection. But am I just a good friend? That's what she says she wants: for us to D and remain good friends.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Upon seeing our room had just one king size bed, W says "Oh... I reserved two beds."
We each slept on our edge of the bed, and she put another pillow in the middle as a divider.
W, the first night: "Just so you know, I'm not comfortable with this whole trip. I feel like I was obligated to do it. (in order to keep up appearances)
We have to talk about things, (R and D) because I can't go on like this. I guess you don't have the balls to bring it up so I have to grow a pair." (!)
W: I'm barely getting through each day. About a week ago I was so upset that I wrote an email to send you, but then decided to not send it. I told myself I could wait 'til we were together and tell you in person.
I found a draft of this unsent email and posted it a few pages back.
W: "I'm still having bad dreams about you. I could forgive, but never forget. I'm hurt horribly and I'm uncomfortable in my own home. I'm happy when I'm out with my friends."
When I hinted at attending counseling, W said having someone else tell her what she should feel is BS.
When I mentioned that the SA from older brother must have been hard on her, she snarked back sarcastically, "Yeah right, blame it on him."
The above was all the first night, Friday.
More to come.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Welcome back, FY! Glad you didn't get swallowed up by a whale shark
I know it must hurt you when your W says there is no spark with you. But I can't help but wonder - perhaps she is so emotionally numb deep inside, that she isn't capable of feeling that way about anybody right now.
Seems like she keeps avoiding blaming her brother or dealing with the original incident. Instead, she keeps putting the focus back on what happened with you.
Maybe that feels like a safer option for her right now?
Looking forward to hearing more about your trip!
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
