Kind of makes me sad, I guess - because the one thing that she has consistently stated from BD to last week is that her heart is closed. And Sandi, I'm out of ideas on now to open it. I have done all that I can on my end to evolve and be......better. She acknowledges it, and still keeps a closed heart. And as long as that remains the case, really, what can I do?
I apologize for having two threads. This one will lock soon.
Kind of makes me sad, I guess - because the one thing that she has consistently stated from BD to last week is that her heart is closed. And Sandi, I'm out of ideas on now to open it. I have done all that I can on my end to evolve and be......better. She acknowledges it, and still keeps a closed heart. And as long as that remains the case, really, what can I do?
I apologize for having two threads. This one will lock soon.
Sandi's post was powerful, basically what I read was: You have done the work on you and she has not. You cannot open her heart, she has to be willing to open it. You work on you and let the rest work itself out. Stay strong and trust in yourself, you have put the work in to make yourself better.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
I never post links or stuff from other places, but I did stumble across this blog post on opening a closed heart. It was helpful and gives me insight into what my XW might have felt.....and continues to feel. Thoughts? Does this sorta reflect where you once were, Sandi??
Crimson
All my relational issues can be reduced at bottom to a single one: how do I open my closed heart? It’s the central factor in the success of all my relationships, and in my being fulfilled as well. This desirable outcome seldom happens by itself. It takes a profound interest in my mechanism of heart-closing. Under what conditions does my heart close? How does it close? What lies behind its closing? Is it a reflex? Is it required? Is it conscious or unconscious? What is its effect? Does it make sense to me? Do I have any say in it? And most important, do I ardently wish it not to close? Of course, becoming deeply interested in these questions will not open the heart immediately. Nevertheless, it will point to a new direction and awareness, which, if pursued vigorously, may lead to the end of unconscious closing and a generally more compassionate stance.
Closing my heart leads to increasing relational disharmony and ill will. It feels uncomfortable to me, as well as the other. Yet I keep on doing it, as if I am trapped in this painful pattern and don’t know how to get out. Closing my heart doesn’t feel like something I do. Rather, my experience is more that another acts unlovingly or not to my liking, and my heart seems to close by itself. If I abhor spending the rest of my life believing myself a victim of my own mechanism, it is crucial to cast the strongest possible doubt on this perception that my heart just closes. If being someone with compassion is appealing, the alternative view that I close my heart and can therefore learn to stop, is infinitely more palatable.
When I am harboring harsh or judgmental feelings towards my partner, a strong part of me generally wants to justify and hold onto them, despite the fact that they make me uncomfortable to my core, and are toxic to my being. I suspect that what causes my resentment is the belief that my partner is the one responsible for my emotional pain. If this belief is illusory, my resentment is unfounded. Although I have given lip service to the widely held New Age dictum that I create my own reality, my persisting resentment shows me that I couldn’t possibly believe it. I deeply sense we would both be better off were I to drop resentment by taking genuine responsibility for my feelings. How do I come upon this?
My partner’s actions towards me elicit hurt or anger. I realize that if I had stayed loving throughout I would not have felt these feelings, since love takes no offense. I am led to the question of whether I believe my partner deserves love only when they behave as I wish, or all the time, even when they appear unloving to me. Clearly the answer is all the time. Would I allow that when I feel hurt by them, my heart is not in a loving state? Although they deserve an open heart, I am not giving it. Do I believe there is some legitimate cause? If so, I invite my mind to present it now. It fusses and fidgets, but can come up with no good reason. If I am bothered by anything, it needs to be by this fact that I am withholding love for no good reason, more than by my partner’s particular behavior.
The crux of the matter lies in the question, “Who is it that closes my heart?” Since when I am loving I feel good, the only time I feel bad is when I have a closed heart. It follows, if only I can close my heart, only I can make myself feel bad. Once I accept that my partner isn’t the cause of my feeling bad, I can no longer justify closing my heart to them. Opening my heart requires that I stop interpreting that another has the power to make me feel bad.
There are those who enter my life to comfort me, encourage me, appreciate me, love me – and there are others who come into my life to offer me the opportunity to open my closed heart: forgiveness practice. Sometimes I thought my partner was the former, and they turn out to be the latter. I am sometimes given challenges that test the limit of my capability. Perhaps one of my chief functions here is to learn how to open my heart when it is truly difficult.
Whether or not two partners are wishing each other well most of the time is the central pillar of satisfactoriness in relationship. Here is my partner in a bad mood, behaving as if they could use some love. They are giving me a perfect opportunity to open my heart to them when it is normally closed – and I’m not taking advantage of it. Why not? If the only time we show each other love and respect is when the other behaves as we wish, we are clearly heading for trouble.
When I complain about my partner, outwardly or inwardly, I am really asking, “How can I, from my current closed-hearted state, get them to change their behavior towards me?” Clearly, this could never succeed. I can try to figure out who to blame for love not having been there - or I can bring love to this moment. The only way their behavior will likely change lies in my asking a different question: “How can I open my closed heart?”
Kind of makes me sad, I guess - because the one thing that she has consistently stated from BD to last week is that her heart is closed. And Sandi, I'm out of ideas on now to open it. I have done all that I can on my end to evolve and be......better. She acknowledges it, and still keeps a closed heart. And as long as that remains the case, really, what can I do?
C, this is sad stuff, hard stuff.
I believe there isnt anything you can do to open a closed heart. That has to come from her.
I think you need to lovingly let her go. This is a journey she has to go on and there isnt anything you can do to hurry it up.
So, put your marriage safely in a box for now. Leave her to her journey and you walk yours.
She knows how you feel, C.
No one knows what the future holds. But I think it is time for you to live your life.
I know, there really isn't anything I can do - nor am I inclined to try. I am long past the point where I think that there is a some sort of magic fix I can conjure up. I have two things: me & time. That's pretty much it.
No word from her today....no outbound contact from me either. I would give every dollar in my wallet just to hear my S's voice or get one of his little hugs. Feels like it has been forever.
Kind of makes me sad, I guess - because the one thing that she has consistently stated from BD to last week is that her heart is closed. And Sandi, I'm out of ideas on now to open it. I have done all that I can on my end to evolve and be......better. She acknowledges it, and still keeps a closed heart. And as long as that remains the case, really, what can I do?
I apologize for having two threads. This one will lock soon.
Argh! Crimson! Do you not get it? I know you do but your words reflect otherwise.
Let me quote for you an important part of Sandi's last post to you:
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Something I believe all WAW’s have to experience (and MWD agrees) is that they have to suffer some type of loss due to their decision to walk away from the M. Even if she never physically leaves the home, she needs to experience and take responsibility of whatever it is she has lost. It could be her reputation, or a relationship with her children, or her H moving on, or a number of things. But it needs to be severe enough that it works much like the bomb did to you. That is why the LBH is so motivated to work on the M...b/c it is a wake-up call, while the WAW has no motivation to work at all.
The fact that she attempted was progress made in the right direction. But if she doesn't get that wake-up call, you may be doing this same thing for a long time...or until you just crash & burn and can’t do it any longer.
You have to let her go. Completely! Cut off all but the most critical contact. Move on with your life. Let her feel the pain of her decisions and yours.
Do you remember Bustorama's post about what eventually triggered his WAW's return? He told his W very directly, to stop all contact unless it was an emergency related to the kids. If she had an emergency and it didn't affect the kids, he didn't want to hear about it. When kid exchanges occurred, he never went into the house. In fact he made a point of picking up and dropping the kids off at school so he did not have to have any interaction whatsoever with his W. He stopped doing any type of family activities with her. He basically cut her completely out of his life and he moved on. And it was only after he did all that did she finally wake up!
That is what Sandi is saying to you here. Let her go. It is your only hope to open her heart. She has to feel the loss, completely and finally.
Can you do it?
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
2TP - yes, I believe I can do it. My S is just my weak spot -- it's hard to not know what he is up to or how he is doing when he is away. I am always fighting back the urge just to reach out and ask about him. It's to the point where I don't keep pictures of him around on my desk at work or anything because it just reminds me how much I miss him and makes me want to reach out to XW even more.
EVERYTHING that you and Sandi are saying makes sense....everything. And I know that you are right. Since her departure, the communication between the two of us has essentially dried up. Yesterday there was no contact at all.
I understand that my problem has been being too available, too ready to work on things..."too" a lot of things. As mentioned before, and I am not making excuses - just being painfully honest, two things make it hard - 1. I miss her and S a lot still, and 2. Sometimes I believe that silence to her isn't read as "he's moving on" - rather, it's read as "he's not getting his way and he is pouting and being small", or "he's trying to get back at me by giving me the silent treatment".
There are moments where I feel that communicating got us back to the point where we were (but admittedly not over the hump), therefore NOT communicating will do the reverse. This lines up well with the counterintuitive nature of DB'ing, I know - it's just hard to give in to - but I know I have to. I just don't want letting go of her to mean letting go of parts of S, too - but if I am to truly let her go, that means no more texting 1-2 times a day asking about him. I'll just have to trust that he is ok, that his misses his daddy and that we will be back together soon. That's hard for me to do, but I am doing my best to make it happen.
2TP - yes, I believe I can do it. My S is just my weak spot -- it's hard to not know what he is up to or how he is doing when he is away. I am always fighting back the urge just to reach out and ask about him. It's to the point where I don't keep pictures of him around on my desk at work or anything because it just reminds me how much I miss him and makes me want to reach out to XW even more.
Crimson
We all completely understand this feeling... It does get better and when he is older you can get him a phone so you can speak with him whenever you feel the need. No one said it would be an easy journey but, unfortunately this is the walk we all must make.
You can not change your past, but you can ruin a perfectly good present by worrying about the future.
