Not confused...looking inward

[job]

If it doesn't work, don't get discouraged. You'll have ample opportunities to try different things.

Good luck!

[BRNR]

Well Snodderly, I heard some things tonight that I believe will have to pull me from DBing for good....I will update when I can, but for now, I wanted to say to everyone thank you for all the support I have been given on these boards these past 6 months.

[golf mom]

B, I'm concerned about you. Do post an update when you can. There are many of us here that care about you.

[TSquared2]

What's going on B????
T^2

[job]

B,
Are you okay? What's happened? Please post so that we know you are okay.

[BRNR]

Hey everyone. I was really stressed last night. Sorry to throw out everything I did, and I do thank you for everyone's concern.

The boys came home from H's and told me that once again OW was there and they were yelled at repeatedly for not getting to know OW and respecting her as they would "their mother". S14 said H struck him once...for not listening to this.

That really pi$$ed me off. It seemed from S14 that it was borderline discipline/abuse. But I don't care. If things are getting physical now, what is next. I think he is going way to far with this, and as usual, my BIG button, the kids. Hence my BOLD statement last night about not db'ing anymore.

Today after only about two hours of sleep I went to the attorney for more legal advice....still nothing I can do. He has "rights" as their father.

I told S14 to call me or the police if he should feel threatened again. This is ridiculous. S14 said...I just want him out of our lives. So sad to hear your child say that. S14 also stated that he is afraid if he defends himself or his brother that H will retaliate on me and hurt me physically. He is actually afraid of what his dad will do to him and brother.

OW and H are "in love" and S14 says they kiss and say it all the time in front of them and he is so disgusted by it. He asked me "mom, aren't you and dad technically still legally married". I respond "yes". He says "then Dad is still tied to you, what is wrong with him, he is acting so selfish and only does things that benefit him". I asked him to give me examples, yep, a selfish a$$ is the right word...

I wanted to let him burn the relationship bridge with his children on his own. In some ways I will still have to, but I did go down to the court house today and filed every single action I could against him, with the exception of the divorce.

So more long hauling is in order...that court date isn't for another month. This should pan out well. I am still very angry about what happened last night. I was shaking the whole time at the court house.

I found out more stuff, that I would rather not say, but H has a sh!t storm coming at him.

I am actually starting to see the funny side to all this and probably will keep some popcorn on tap for when things do shake out.

Also, as much as I want too, I will not stop DBing. I have found it a great benefit to me, and will need to continue the DB path for future matters that involve the courts, myself and the kids. Db'ing is a way of life I have come accustomed to and like. The only difference is that I am not doing it to save my marriage anymore, I can't see how I can, nor can I see that I want to. I am still angry, and writing this off emotion, so who knows, but at this moment, I don't see what I am trying to save.

[job]

I am very sorry to hear about what happened last night. It's such a shame that your boys have to put up w/that behavior, I hope that everything goes smoothly w/your filings today.

Actually, it's funny, but dbing isn't about saving marriages, it's about saving you. I use the db techniques every day in my interactions w/others. You'll find yourself doing it too in time.

Please take care of your boys and yourself.

[golf mom]

B, I find it hard to believe that there is nothing you can do about your H striking your son. If it happened once I'd get a restraining order. You might want to consult with another attorney or see if the family court has resource people who can guide you through your options. I would think your H is quickly sabotaging his right to joint custody. In my state teenagers have a say in whether they want a relationship with a parent or not. I am so sorry that you and the boys are dealing with this. I hope the action you took will give you protection and peace of mind. I am concerned about you.

[BRNR]

GM, funny I thought a lot about you during this sitch...be glad you have a vanisher. It may be a blessing in disguise.

I asked about the restraining order, and no, a minor child cannot have one against the parent...I am filing for full custody, but heard it is very hard to get in my state due to the rampant single parents...the courts are in favor of joint...so while I filed for full, I have been prepped that I probably won't get it. Up to the judge. The teenagers only have a right to decide which parent they want to be primarily reside with, but if time is court ordered, he must go. Three different attorneys, all the same answers.

But, I am going to have an attorney represent me for this, the one out of the three that has gotten really good results with other people I know. I want to try and get it right the first time. I have heard that the judges in our area have been more favorable to the mother...and I can attest that I have seen some really good Dad's in our area get really screwed. So hopefully that is in my favor.

H has a clean history without problems, baby mamas, drugs, abuse, or criminal. My attorney is going to have a lot of work to do.

Is he sabotaging, yes. Attorney said this, and it can all be brought up, but no precedence of this "guy" is going to be hard. And h has a right to "discipline" his child, has rights to parenting time, has rights for custody, etc, etc. No two ways around it.

So maybe the fact that I filed and h will receive the summons will "prevent" further damage as I would hope he would realize I am watching (and taking notes) for him to mess up more now. Will need as much as I can get for the hearing. But I also have to remember to be mindful of me as well.

I don't know how this will turn out, but I am praying for the best but preparing for the worse. We will see.

[BRNR]

Good morning everyone!

I did a lot of reflection yesterday. A lot of things have been crossing my mind lately. I don't know what to do anymore it seems.

I am really tired of hearing about things H is doing or saying and such. A lot of this information is stuff that is brought to me...no digging or snooping for quite some time on my part. Every time something comes up I get myself all in a tizzy. All my emotions come out. It is then I seem to dwell in it. I hate this, but when this stuff is directly related to me, what am I supposed to do. My one friend who I tell all to is getting sick of hearing about how I feel about everything, I don't blame them, I am sick of it too.

How do you get a life outside of this when this is part of my life too? And for me, a part of my life that will never go away. Ugh!

I am not sure how I feel about standing today. The more that comes out about H, the less sure I am about standing. Why can't Channing Tatum come and rescue me???

So for every positive with H, there seems to be three negatives that come about. That is a tough pickle to be in...h is really doing a lot of things hoping for a reaction out of me these days. I haven't given him any. Why is negative attention to an MLC'er better than no attention? I know my H said I didn't pay him attention during the marriage, so by not reacting to him I wonder if his justifications are getting better and better for him.

I recently found out that some of his family members have crossed paths with him and OW out together. They have very pointedly asked what is going on with me to him, in front of OW it seems. He gave them same reasons that I have heard this whole time....I didn't show him enough affection, I didn't tell him good night, I didn't cook for him. The cooking one is new, I think, and so not true.... Funny is that he never tells anyone that he cheated. He is still trying to play it as if he met OW after he left me. Some of them know better, and are making sure everyone else knows it too!

So it seems OW is going to have to fawn all over him, all the time. I wonder how long she is going to be able to do that?

What I am learning is that h does have a romanticized version of what a relationship is...that is what he wants right now, and it is a shame my deep rooted, unconditional love for him wasn't enough. I don't think H will ever let that dream go.

I don't really have any major points to write today...I guess I am just in a zone of the more I back off, let go, detach, the more negative everything seems to get. In the short term it doesn't really bother me, I am just wondering what this is doing for the long term.

So my niece thinks I should start dating. She had a whole lot of negative things to say about H. In fact, a lot of people that know what's going on have had a lot of negative things to say. The weird thing is, these negative things are not necessarily about the current events, but about h overall and our marriage overall. My niece had said H was always cocky, and she always felt that he started arguments with me and blamed a lot of things on me before all this started. I told her I never saw that and she said, "well you were blinded by love". My s14 said the same thing about H always starting the disagreements we had, and my other family has pointed out that H has always had to be right and justified in what he was doing no matter who he hurt and blamed me for a lot of things that were not true or spun somewhat to make me look like the bad guy. I never saw any of this until now. Where was I the past fifteen years?

All this made me wonder if H had been faking who he was all this time...and maybe the H in the present is his true self....this would go in line with a comment H's mom made about he seems to back to himself.

So clearly everyone thinks he needs help, but I keep telling everyone they should just back off and leave him to get on with his life the way he wants. None of them agree and tell me I could do sooo much better. And these are my in laws. Hopefully time heals those wounds for them...after all that is thier blood.