Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

I'm so tired of this cr@p. It's 100% effort 100% of the time and I just get to a point where I'm fed up with it. I feel like I'm unraveling today. I'm not taking care of what I need to take care of and I don't seem to care. And I know I'll regret this later, so I'm stuck...always stuck. Whether I'm stuck going 100% or stuck because I feel guilty I slipped up and didn't go 100%. It's either 100% or circling the toilet bowl of depression if I don't go 100%.

I need to keep my schedule to stay on track and hold myself accountable. I just really REALLY don't want to. So I've either gotta force myself to do something I don't want to do, or regret it later.

Unraveling.

What I'm doing isn't working. In any sense of any positive goal. Am I being impatient, or do I need to change?

I want to tell XW to go have a fun life. Peace out. I hope you find happiness, I really do, but you will never find someone who loves you and our children like I do. But you want to divorce me? BYE!

But that isn't very nice. And it certainly doesn't keep the road paved home smooth.

I think I'm obsessed with keeping the road paved home smooth...TOO smooth. I use it to justify unproductive behavior.

I also think I'm trying to control things so that she has limited opportunities to seek out other men.

Because *I* want her, for me. And I don't like who I am, especially without her, so I put up with her cr@p - just for the illusory chance that things will get fixed one day.

I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to move forward and past her. Maybe I can't the way I'm set up right now and I just keep running into a brick wall I've created for myself.

I really don't care what XW is doing right now. I just know that I'm hurting and I'm tired of it. And I've worked so hard, and tried so hard, and prayed, and all the things I'm supposed to do...and it's getting me nowhere. But no, I'm not sitting here giving one effing iota what she is doing or thinking right now.

I don't know why this woman has this spell over me - still, after all of this. I don't know if she's manipulating me or is just truly lost and looking to me for guidance. Should I step up and lead, or get out of the way completely?

I know my family - the family I created - is gone.

I just want to tell her to leave me alone. But that's one of those things that I'll end up regretting, so I'm stuck. Perpetually stuck.

And I'm tired. Unraveling towards broken.

-PM