Its a fence with the sharp pointed ends too! We are still living together, sleep in the same bed,she has never used the word divorce, but at the same time she has no clue of what she wants from minute to minute. I think in her case, the depression, is from having to make a decision of whether to make a commitment to the marriage or break up 21 years of marriage and our family.
Like you, to look at our spouses in this condition hurts, the pain they must be going thru, but at the same time, the hurt they're putting us/family thru. Its hard to be around, and no matter what im doing, it still affects me. I know I cant fix it, but I want to help, its so hard to not go there. Its the "why cant they see whats happening" syndrome I guess.
Same here! I am almost certain that the reason my H is so down is the constant worrying over what to do next, how it will affect our family, etc. To watch your spouse go through all of this pain and confusion is difficult. It is as if they are now a stranger. To boot, my H has lost 50 pounds, started dressing differently, and even got braces, and I wonder where my old H went.
Same as you, I often wonder why they can't see whats happening. I have a feeling they will look back in a few years wondering what on earth happened.
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
I woke up this morning, and started thinking..."What the he!! im I doing, this person could really, when it comes down to it, care less if I get hit by a car on the way to work."
I'm finding it very hard to keep this up, and spend more time thinking it doesn't matter what the spouse wants now, I'm done. I cant keep living this way, I certainly cant let my kids go another year or two/whatever until something finally snaps then HOPE its the decision best for the family. With my GAL and hobbies/friends, it would be SOOOO much easier to just walk away than deal with this person I don't even know anymore.
Thumpered, read Sandi's post again and every day if you need to. You seem to be a you want what you want, when you want it kind of guy. Remember it took your W's BD fro you to see problems and want to change. Slow your roll. She's not going to suddenly be "not depressed" just because you've seen the light. People who are depressed can't just snap out of it or make themselves feel better. Yes, there are things they can do to aid in their recovery but she has to want to. She's not there yet and you trying to get her there will slow the process.
Don't mindread about her depression, it won't help you or her.
."What the he!! im I doing, this person could really, when it comes down to it, care less if I get hit by a car on the way to work."
What happened to make you think this? How do you know that's true?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Mizjjd, your right I cant help her find herself. I've been GAL up a storm and im actually really great bout myself (cooking classes, dancing classes, gym, etc). Its just hard to come home and see her melting away on the couch. I eat, sleep, go to the gym 3 times per week, and im already in pretty good shape due to my job. Lately I just want to get away/out instead of trying to be around it and it dragging my mood down. My wife says she's proud of the changes I've made, and she's noticed my change of attitude. I just wish some of it would rub off I guess. 3 days ago I stopped bringing up the M, she has little things she says, and I just listen and validate now per Chuck my DB coach. I guess I just didn't realize when they said be patient, they were talking about syrup in December slow. Seems like watching an iceberg melt is mach speed in comparison to this process. lol.
Labug
Your right, slow the roll!! The car comment, I just meant that she doesn't even seem to care about anything, herself included. Recently she's just made comments that she doesn't know what she wants, and she's tired of thinking about any of it, kids/friends/me/marriage/work. I guess I just get frustrated that she cant see what she's doing to herself, much less the rest of us. Its like she's just given up, and im starting to worry about her own safety. Its def. me still trying to fix her, and that's what I need to stop doing. Give her the time and space so she do what she needs to do for herself. My son sees it too, and since he's 15, he worries about his mom. What do I tell him, its gotten to the point that he's afraid to talk to her, and you can see how its affecting him. I read that I should not interfere with their relationship, but feel I need to say something to my son so he's not taking it personal, which I've tried to do in the past.
With my GAL and hobbies/friends, it would be SOOOO much easier to just walk away than deal with this person I don't even know anymore.
I think many people feel this way, multiple times during their sitch.
Some family members have hinted or asked me outright, "how long will you put up with this? [meaning my W's behavior]" My response was that I do still love her, and that a 22-year marriage is worth more than 6 months or even 9 months of hardship and effort. In my mind, I think at least 1 year is needed before you get to that point of deciding to separate for a 20 year+ marriage. After a year, I expect two things might happen for you: (1) from DB-ing, GAL, and other activities you will be stronger, more independent, and less affected by the WAW; and (2) your sitch should be better with you W due to DB-ing, GAL, etc.
At that point you could evaluate your sitch, decide what to do, maybe change strategy or end the relationship.
your right again, I need to stop putting some kind of time frame on it for the "now". I have time on my side. Its early in the game still. I'm kind of glad I have my next month or so of work booked out to keep me busy too. I shouldn't be in such a hurry to figure it all out right now, when I've still got so much work to do on myself first.
Just wanted to throw this out there and see the responses.
What is the chance she's just playing games with me? Every response or comment ends with "isnt this what you want. A wife that just sits home and does nothing"
WTH? I'd been asking for weeks/months to go out, dancing, lunch, dinner, and out of nowhere I start getting this comment the last 2 weeks. Then just goes and watches tv and wont really talk at all. I found out today she's been eating very late lunches at work so she doesnt have to eat dinner with kids and I. But now that im not sure shes depressed, she doesnt have a problem texting half the night. It seems more like a game shes playing with me tonget me to move out. Opinions?
Just the last few days ive caught her in little lies too. Not sure what to think now that ive had a few days to really observe it with a more calmed down mind and perspective.
Why does she think you want a wife that sits around and does nothing? Is she angry you are going out and getting a life without her? I would politely ask her the next time she says that... doesn't make sense to me? Also, what kind of lies is she telling?
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
