He likely IS trying to push your buttons and get a rise out of you. Even if it's not intentional / conscious, it is a pattern that establishes so that the MLCer / WAS can rationalize and justify their exit.
Good job on excusing yourself and not making a scene. Your pleasant behaviour won't be lost on him. AND, he might step up his efforts to pi$$ you off, so be aware of that and keep your PMA up.
Understand that most guys are dumb as stumps with only enough blood to run one head at a time.
That said, we DO have feelings and we DO stress about being of value and desirable. The chasing mentality for him might be specifically to get the love he didn't get as a child. It's possibly a learned behaviour from that time.
Anyhow, keep doing what you are doing as far as PMA, GAL, open, etc. It sounds like it is working. This is something you will need to be consistent with for at least two to three weeks.
If he approaches you, be pleasant, but continue to be not as available as you normally were. The "NEW" you is a prize that needs to be won. As for things like "beer" as a text message from him, that is something that you might want to start ignoring. Your boundary of being respected can be enforced.
The above advise from Kaffe Diem is spot on. Hard to implement but its what needs to be done for a healthier relationship.
He is going to want to change. The more you force it the further he will resist. Try not to get upset or argue as that will just reinforce his decision to leave.
Continue on improving yourself and be the best mom you can to those 3 wonderful daughters!
H 37 WAW 32 S 4 (Autistic) S 2 Together 11 years Married 6 Bombshell Dec 1 2012 House sold, flying solo June 1 2013.
HAha! you're humor & comments made my day One comment my H made recently is that a man gets his value & selfworth from his business & having a wife that respects him. I understand, yet I wanted to tell him it needs to come from w/in..I use to base my valu on him being happy w/ me etc...but not anymore. Man, I had 2 learn that the hard way! Also Hs buddy believes its ok to mess around w/ another lady & "turn her on" because it makes a guy feel more like a man. That's the kind of reasoning I heard both from him & H
H;30 M;31 M9yr D9 D7 D3 H EA 2009 EA 11 Me PA 2012 H-ILYBNIL 5/13 in EA maybe PA
I find it ironic that for one of the 1st times H mentioned that he "feels we need to be honest w/ each other" which was his reason for telling me he thinks we need to separate
H;30 M;31 M9yr D9 D7 D3 H EA 2009 EA 11 Me PA 2012 H-ILYBNIL 5/13 in EA maybe PA
I'm a wee bit nervous about H coming home... If he brings up separation, do I acknowledge failures Ive made in the marriage ( I have dif times) or do I jst "pretend" its not about me unless he brings up issues then I should jst validate his feelings on that?
H;30 M;31 M9yr D9 D7 D3 H EA 2009 EA 11 Me PA 2012 H-ILYBNIL 5/13 in EA maybe PA
no matter what he mentions about separation or divorce, you can simply let him know that you will not stand in his way if he feels he needs to. I don't think you even really need to validate his feelings that he wants to. Not in the context of your sitch. Sometimes we will suggest the LBS say "they wish it were different, but won't stand in the way", in your sitch, I think we want to do the 180 on him thinking you are easily available.
If he brings up how he feels you've contributed, you can certainly validate by either saying, "That is something I am working on" (if valid) or "I remember it differently although understand you feel that way"
Even if this post is too late, this is how you could address this in the immediate future.
Amy1982, I feel your pain with the church attendance. I wasn't allowed to sit with my wife or her family. They made me sit in the balcony....how silly. Since my wife made the decision to divorce me she's all but stopped coming to church. Hold your head up high and keep bringing those kids to church. They need the influence and schedule structure. It's his decision to stop going with you and you shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed by his decisions. Let him carry the responsibilities for those decision. Amy....I'm 120 days into this and it's the worst experience of my life. I truly know what you're going through and empathize with your pain. You're way of coping it to talk about the situation. I just walked around all day wanting a hug. I still do. Can you go see a therapist to talk through the situation? Do you have any family members to talk this through with? Personally, I would stay far away from the BIL. You may not have anymore feelings for him but he may still have feelings for you. Just my opinion so take it for what it's worth. Keep posting here, you're in good company.
Thankyou, Bluedown Its so hard for me to not feel responsible for the decisions he is making when he says its because of me that he's acting the way he does. He says he's kept my "dirty little secret" & now he can't deal w/ it any longer & so he looks like the bad guy because he stopped going to church. I am seriously considering making a public confession so he doesn't feel like he has to keep my "dirty little secret". I offered 2 long ago but he didn't think I needed to. I had confessed to all involved. Just in the last two weeks H has gotten increasingly bitter toward me. He has cut out the last bit of physical contact we had & for the 1st in our R he addressed me by name this AM instead of using a pet name. That was making a definite point because that was something important to him...he did not want me to address him by name either. I think he wants me to feel pressured so I'll leave. Something I just can't reconcile in my mind is how "devastated" he is when he's the guy that broke me down. I honestly got to the place where I didn't think he cared. I feel like I can't talk to family except I do talk to my SIL...yes, BIL's wife. She has been w/ me thro all the pain of the last 4 yrs & amazingly she didn't dump me even aftr she found out about A. She knew I was confused & hurting & that was not really what I wanted. She & her H got closer thro the whole mess & their R is bettr than ever & I don't understand why I have The pain of my husband's EAs to deal w/ & now I'm being dumped & there's no forgiveness for me. I am a stay at home mom so I don't bring in any income. I bought some coaching sessions & my H was very upset. He does not believe in getting outside help..he calls coaches & marriage centers" blood-sucking B*****ds that don't give a rip about you" But I might babysit 4 my neighbor & in that event I would get some money I could use to see a therapist This is def the worst experience in my life...I never took our R for granted..sometimes I think I cared too much & then when the things that mattered so much to me were given away even when he knew it was killing me I gave up fighting. (but not caring). When I would show how much it was killing me he would say "Ok, then I'll just do it behind your back". That's why its so hard for me that he can just lynch me. I guess I don't have to reason thru all that. I would be willing to just figure out what it would take from here. I think a lot of it has to do w/ the fact that he wants a diff lifestyle....Believe me , I'm not keeping him from it but he knows I could never fit in w/ those friends so maybe he feels he has to get away from me & he's very attatched to someone who would fit right in. OK, bluedown, you got to listen to my ramblings, so here's a hug for you (((((BD))))
H;30 M;31 M9yr D9 D7 D3 H EA 2009 EA 11 Me PA 2012 H-ILYBNIL 5/13 in EA maybe PA
Amy1982....Thanks for the hug. I needed it today. Do you have a relationship with your mom or dad? Can you go talk to the pastor or his wife at the church? I have a million suggestions but you probably just need someone to listen. I know what it feels like to be broken. Is there anything you enjoy doing that takes your mind off things?
My parents would be very supportive & try not to take sides but my H would feel VERY disrespected if I talked to them or my pastor or basically anyone that knows us. Wish I could find someone I don't even know that I could talk to just for the sake of "getting it out" I have been doing well at GAL even tho a lot of it does involve daughters because I have full-time care of them. We went to the zoo, rode horses, took roses to an elderly peoples home, passed them out & sang for residents, hang out w/ new neighbor etc. I,m the type that loves to read so I do a lot of educational reading plus watching the programs from option institute & Tony Robbins. Both gave me new perspectives on how to deal w/ difficult situations. Probably the thing I do the most to get my mind off sitch is go to youtube & listen to praise music, affirmation meditation , silva meditation, etc w/ earphones & just RELAX on the bed. What do you find helpful?
H;30 M;31 M9yr D9 D7 D3 H EA 2009 EA 11 Me PA 2012 H-ILYBNIL 5/13 in EA maybe PA
As for things like "beer" as a text message from him, that is something that you might want to start ignoring. Your boundary of being respected can be enforced.